56 (ought to leave the young thing alone, but ain't no sunshine when she's gone)

as of late my minds been a mess. and you've returned to your old haunts... my dreams...

one evening you joked through the beer that we should be married. secretly i wanted you to be serious. you know i would have said, "i do."

For years I waited

For you to care

Even half as much as I did

Cared so as

To Divine us together

You never did

And now, I don’t

and here i remain at the break of dawn as silly and sloppy as ever
lonely, regarding the backs of my palms
the bed of nails
made so neatly
crows in the gray morning
lush green in the moments leading up to rain
thinking of how i dont care about you
yet you linger
i loved you, so what
good question.

55 (Don't Worry, You're Wrapped Up Tight)

So. So. Okay, I'm going to start writing. This is just coming straight out of my head, not pre-written. This is talking myself through where I'm at. Okay. I just, I just feel bad. I wish that I had stayed. Today I watched this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_Ip_lRp4es&feature=player_embedded#at=194

And I was reminded of all of the reasons why I was doing what I did in New Orleans. And I miss it. And I wish I could go back to work. I think it's so important to help people, I think that I'm not helping anyone right now, not even myself. I am wasting time. And look mom I don't need you to email me about this later justifying college to me haha...

It's just hard for me to look at that video and not be there. And not be doing anything about what's going on. And when I left last September, the waiting list was over 300 people. Just imagine. It's funny, after leaving I could not let go of what I'd had. Then, when I started trying to move past it, it seems like everyone wanted to bring random things to my attention because of some obscure, reaching connection to New Orleans, and thus, of course, to me. Why? Why do people do this? I do not want to re-hash it anymore. And yet, I am pulled with the urge to return over and over again.

There are so many problems in the world, so many terrible and confusing things that people do to one another that break my heart. Parents beating their children, even killing them (see news in nyt regarding the ACS workers...), earthquakes, oil spills, rape and sexual assault, honor killings, people generally, and I don't mean this in a belittling way at all, but people just being mean to each other. What the fuck? Why do people want to be mean? Why do people really just act so badly to one another... I really am overwhelmed thinking about how terrible people are.

When I think about the world I want to do it with empathy and understanding, or at least with the knowledge that I can't understand someone else's situation. But a lot of people don't do that. A lot of people just do what they want. They don't give a shit about anyone else and they certainly don't care what breaks in the process, be it a government, culture, let alone a mere life. All this arbitrary hate channeled into dogma, it's depressingly sickening. I feel bad for all the people trying to change the world. No amount of resilience, love, or determination can shield someone in that vein of work from the harm of overwhelming sadness that will inevitably be a theme in their lives. Of course we all learn to cope, the weight would otherwise crush us, even those who live solely to be happy for themselves.
But the long and arduous journey of trying to elevate the lives of those under the ubiquitous thumb of evil influence (whatever the specific may be) is one leading to the road to burn-out, apathy, or martyrdom, at its worst. At its best, one celebrates the small victories, and rarely those large ones, and suffers the injustices of life, learns to shake off the plight of their clientele and somehow separates the reality of those they work with and for from themselves. However, regardless, they surround themselves with death. Death of hope, for some, death of innocence, death of ability, whatever. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to go the route of helping people. I think everyone should go that route and then maybe it wouldn't be bad, or at least nearly as bad. If there weren't so many people contributing to the shit end of the stick, maybe it wouldn't be as long.
There are so many worthy causes, health care, the ones I mentioned above, all of this. Where does one begin? And what the fuck does a person do with their lives? I don't know about anyone else, but I cannot ignore the people suffering, be it at their own or anyone else's hands. I can't live in a world this bad, and since I have no plans of going anywhere else any time soon, I have to do something about it. But where to start.... How to go about it... what to focus on.... how to get people to fucking pay attention... I just don't know.

And so, I sleep all day. lol.

54 (I got that fire)

Hey y'all I know I haven't posted since the end of January. Things have been... overwhelming. School is pretty terrible and I'm not so sure what to do about it. For a while I was trying to 'fake it til I make it.' That's not working. I feel really generally oppressed by the weight of the poor decision to return when I am just not ready for it. Lesson learned.

Today though I don't feel bad, regardless of the fact that I had a midterm Monday in Bio which I definitely got like a 3 on. I actually had a good day today, regardless of the content. It was absolutely beautiful outside. I don't have therapy tomorrow, which means I can devote the whole day to hanging with my mamacita and doing errands.

In other news, aside from generic college, I started Beauty School! Make-Up Artistry to be exact, and I am super-psyched about it. It's a 5 hour class every Saturday and it is so rewarding... It's the only thing getting me through right now, and that's worth it. I'm looking to pursue paramedical camouflage make-up (look it up!)- the only thing is makeup and tools are super pricey so it's a little difficult to figure out how to swing it without a job. But, it is an investment.

Aside from stressing and feeling crappy, I've also been dreaming a lot. And I don't mean sleep-dreaming, though I have had some weird ones, just like everyone, haha. No, I've been dreaming of my future, dreaming of my freedom, dreaming of my plans. I felt like writing all week, but I just couldn't get internet until now. I think I might take summer courses before I drop out again and burn all my bridges for good (even though it will totally be civilized and peaceful). Maybe online college would be better... why is everything so expensive though?? I also want to take a bartending class, gotta do a little research. I've been reading a lot about the history and evolution of spirits, which is so interesting and cool... there are some recipes that I'd really like to try ;)

Oh, for the past week I also read this livejournal I found an article about online, it's called 65 Red Roses. It's this girl Eva's, and she chronicles her struggles with cystic fibrosis.. Needless to say, if you know anything about the disease, she dies at 25. The article I found it through was about the youth, my generation, and the obsession with sharing personal things. This girl was amazing though, she had a documentary about her life made too and did a lot for CF and organ donation. The other thing though, there were a few posts closer to the end of her life that I found really inspiring, talking about dreams and freedom, and holding yourself back. She died so young.. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, so why waste today? I am not confined to wishing, I can go out and do what I want and live my life.

So now, for some lists:

To Get:
Detergent
Hair Spray
Mattifier, Foundation
Hair serum
Bar Spoon
Nalgene
Brush Oil Cleaner

To Do:
Paint
Install Shelves
Flat Tape in Bathroom
DMV
Passport Office
Find Folder for Morgue (collection of beauty pics you like- for class)
Research
-Bartender Class
-Paramedical Programs
-Jobs


Some Neat Books I've Read:
PUNCH by David Wondrich
BoozeHound by Jason Wilson. Get 'em if you like drinking!

Some Liquors I want to Experiment with....(based on the books...)
Tuaca
Maraschino Liquer
Grappa
Cynar
Creme de Voilette
Campari
Applejack
Peychaud's Bitters
Aquavit
Chartreuse
Old Tom Gin
Creme Yvette
Plymouth Sloe Gin
Williams Brandy
Rhum Agricole
Calvados (Brandy)

All this obviously not at once... but to play with. The pure, the obscure, the old, and the renewed.


Finally, a little poem


Floating in a sea of lividity
lucid salts inhaled
you can chase me
but i will not run from you
there comes a time
to harden your heart
mine is granite





oh ps i dont know if I mentioned this in the last post, but I have deleted my facebook, okc, and twitter. It was hard at first and sometimes I want to arbitrarily share with the world minutia of my day, but I think it's better that I don't now. It's a constant reminder to really think about why you want to put it out there and what you want out of it. It also has been helpful in reevaluating my relationships.

53 ( And from the bottom of the river, I looked up for the sun)

It is time to confess. Why can I not be all that I want to be? I can! for life's sake, for the sake of happiness, I must love always. the days must be fuller with honesty and everything. i must be more. i have to be bigger. i must always be more beautiful, more kind, more truthful, more shameless than the day before. i can be humble my god if i can say, i can be humble because i want the rug pulled out from under me any chance there is! please, for all of you, bring me down. i cant ask for more than you to hold me and love me in your heart. because i will always love you, each of you, whether you want me to or not. forever. i will love you and there is nothing you can do about it. i will be here for you forever.

and now i am going to share with you an intimate piece of writing which makes my cheeks flush and my brain melt.

do you know, when i am so empty, feeling as though i have nothing to contribute, i should make love. conjure it up inside like magic and share it and try to embody it and be it. so this is the way!

enough of my thought- here is the letter. never to be sent, and hopefully never to be read by its intended recipient. cathartic to write, and a journey to read, here it is. i wasn't sure whether to post it but i feel a sickly urge to share this. (with the 2 of you that there are :)) it is not a recent piece of writing, nor does it apply to my daily reality, but as far as what i can offer, this is it.

For all of my drunken confessions and attempts at a sober discussion, I don't think you have ever read the result of my pen touching paper; for all of those inadequate expressions, I apologize.

For all of my professions, I have nothing more to show you. Rejected time and again, beyond all the logic and reason I have, I must tell you again. I love you. You are the person, the magnet, that I am dragged back to. When I see you, the lightness in my body practically radiates out and I feel faint for a moment. Of course, after your continuous pushing and admonishments, I have learned to create my own gravity.

Regardless, I love you! I still love you. Wholly, sickly, sadly. You, I admire. You are a thing to behold. You must know how coyly beautiful you are... Do you know what you have done to me? Do you see the air all freeze when you get near? Do you purposely crack all the eggshells I walk on around you?

What I am left wondering is, regardless of any profession of passion, let alone affinity on my part, did you ever care? I can tell you every day, I could say it for every moment you have looked at me, for every second of our few embraces, that you have my heart. Did I ever, for even a fleeting moment, have yours beating in my fingertips? Did I squeeze the life out of it, or was it all just an omission?

Even so, whatever the truth, and however you may judge me yet again, your heart is a thing of wonder. It is disgusting how long this love's been drawn out, but I can't force it into a shallow grave. I'm sorry for that. I hope that I can let you go, stop chasing you while you wait for me to run out of breath.

The last thing I want to say is thank you. For always being quiet through my craziness, for always keeping your composure. For letting me be piece-meal honest with you. I am sorry again, for making nothing into something. For keeping my line in your ear open for all this time. You know, even after the end of this, I will still love you. I will love you for always, I will always be your friend. I will never cease to care for you. As for now though, infatuation abounds.

Love Always,

Samantha

____________________________________________

And now, a poem:

Friend

One day, you will forget

to remember me.

and our love, as it were

will cease to exist. there will be no nail in the coffin, there will be no coffin

Or perhaps, I will not look at your life

from the outside in

And I will forget You

And I will remain, the pain of a thorn in your side

When you consider

what beauty the world has lost

and all the love we could have made, and shared, basking in our spoils

Nay,

this will not be. I will not forget you. I will not let go

of all the maybe

I have no tears to shed, or words

I remain a voyeur, peering in, watching you move on

towards the day

when you cease to remember me

52 (I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop)

omfg i belong in the loony bin i am bonkers as fuck lololol i am a crazy pants and i am losing control of everything lol bonkers bonkers i am so nuts NUTS

and i am sober, im just fucking crazy. i cant do this! im a loser. im like vomiting words all over the place and im by myself. fml fml fml fml fml i dont give a shittttttttttttttweteskgndrfklhndflkdflgnldknghlkdnhkldgnhklgdfnhkldfngkldfg

sfgdfgdfgfdgjbskgdslgbsljdgald;tn'EWTJw4

op4t6j34iny53t Fesdnfsglmd';fhe

age

CRAZY CRAZY FUCKIN BONKERS NUTZO I DONT CARE IM LOSIN IT I AM A LOONY BIN ALLSTAR. I NEED A FUCKNIG STRAIGHTJACKET LOLOL WTF WTF WTF

51 ( Now I'm thinking, what the hell?)

Tonight is a night where i am reminded of why i hate living in new york city. i am sick of people. i really don't care anymore. you know its a good thing in some ways though; to recognize that its no longer worth it to wait, its not worth it to attempt to put in more than you get. if a relationship isn't equal than its a waste of time. but thats okay. just cant waste anymore time. i am ready to be a hermit.

the other thing im going to kvetch about is that every time i get on the goddamned subway its like the crazy person is next to me. why? why does this happen? the sweating guy with a scarf over his face and sunglasses and a hat all in black fidgeting, the drunk and upset guy who's on the verge of a breakdown, the creepo who cant stop staring and eventually gets up to follow, why cant you all just go away? i really dont like to be rude, and i really dont like saying anything to anyone, i just want to be left alone. why are these people infringing on my space? and why cant men just like... fuck off? i dont want to be hit on, i dont want to give out my number, or date, or sleep with you, or whatever, just like go the fuck away. im going to be the crazy sweating girl on the verge of a break down if this keeps happening haha, i swear. don't bang on my door in the middle of the night, ugh. ugh!!! rrr. and im supposed to be the one who stays composed and just listens to it? the demure quiet lady who puts up with everyone elses stupid shit. i just want to scream at them. why is it that every time a guy decides that a conversation should ensue, he cant help but to say something crude, or make some desperately obvious innuendo? its not attractive. so my plea is that it ceases from here on out.

in other news, i am resuming school this week. i cant even hardly believe im going back. id rather be working. so it goes. i have also resumed therapy, which is a huge relief. i might've popped. im just feeling right now, tonight, that the whole world can fuck off.

50( somethings gotta change, it must be rearranged)

there is no respite

49 (if its not like the movies, thats how it should be)

who am i

who am i

who am i

i am

closer, further, curated

poised, confused, uncontrolled

i am not

who i think i am

who i was

who i will be

_________________________________

the world keeps spinning. today my throat is burning, and my mind is blank. just like most other days. sometimes though, things gel at the same time as others fall apart.

yet again, i dont even know anything. its strange to realize that i live in a constant state of insecurity. the things i want, there are few. the things i dont want, i gravitate towards. the things i have, i clench tightly. sometimes i throw them away though.

i need to change myself. in a real way. i really dont know anymore. you know, in some ways i thought it wasn't me. but now i think its internal. like i just think maybe what is untenable is internal. its time again. ive been here before, and its time to shift the cycle again.

__________________________________

ive been collecting pennies

scraping the rust into my bowl of lonliness

to fill it with a million of the same face

ive been collecting quarters

so maybe all my lies will be discarded

with the fractals

that have been rubbed together

between the index and thumb pads

ive been collecting dimes. nickels.

like sand, they coat the floor of my apartment

so that every dawn

i can get up and walk through the past, and change.

i am a brute. jawing always at my weaknesses. daring you to humiliate me.

will you?

will you?

48 (what have you done today to make you feel proud?)

so the last time i posted was a while ago, i know. i am back in the bronx now, redoing my apartment. painting the walls white and the furniture red. it looks very good thus far, and im excited about it becoming my space again.

im kind of in a weird place though, honestly. im not feeling productive. i feel barely lucid sometimes. i think its a lack of structure. i got back into college and will be resuming come january though. id like to find a job too, and start writing again.

sometimes it just seems difficult to self reflect. theres a block in the thinking, where my brain is enveloped in lethargy. i feel like an egg shell thats filled with dark matter and fat. does that sound bad? haha, whatever. its hard to describe. every day i want to be better, to change, to be proud of myself. and here i am getting myself stuck in the past and repeating unproductive patterns.

i want to be inspired and find new and good things, but im not looking. i need to overcome this laziness. i have yet to decompress. i need to come to terms with who i am, and find out who that is. i need to renew myself and my commitment to my goals. this feels like a roadblock, but maybe its just a speedbump. yea. before i can move forward i need to get grounded again.

i want to have fun, and do well. i can. and i will. and i am going to start writing again. no more boring vague posts without substance. and im going to start baking and expanding my life. i feel good. i have a dentist appointment tomorrrrrroowwwww :( haha not looking forward to that.

47 (I felt you in my legs before i even met you, i felt you in my life before i ever thought to)

so another year, another yom kippur. i have not been posting, i know. i have almost posted a few times. maybe ill eventually post those drafts. its been a difficult time for me these past weeks. a really difficult time. i got really lost. im on my way back to an okay place now. aside from the things i have had to not feel good about, i have also had a lot to apologize for. like last year, i dont don't think it's necessary to get into specifics, god knows there's enough to max out the amount i can write in this text box.

im sorry.

looking back on last years yom kippur entry, i know that i have done good things in the past 365 days. i have worked to make the world a better place. i hope that i can regain the strength to do that through another vehicle, and maintain it.

i am sorry for becoming jaded and skeptical. i am sorry for becoming lax with how i live my life and treat myself and those around me. i am sorry for all of the unnecessary harshness i have brought into the world and i hope that somehow i can make up for it with love.

i want to be written into "the book of life" this year. not because i feel i am deserving it or i want the goodness for myself, but because i need to be better. this version of myself, as good in comparison to years ago as it is, isn't good enough. it takes a long time but i need to change. i need to learn more and be better. i need to make the world better than it is.

my ego can do with some more bruises. actually thats not the case. i could be more humble of course, but i need to repair my self esteem. i need to strip the layers of my frailty away and come out of this fragile state. i am much more capable than this, and i need to do what needs to be done.

i apologize to everyone who has had to endure all of my indiscretions, complaints, doubt. i am sorry for people who have had to tolerate my shortcomings and cover my failures. i appreciate all of them though i cannot even identify them all.

i have been focused on my goals. to the point that i have lost site in some ways of the larger picture. i am sorry for focusing on myself without as much consideration for other people. i am sorry to those people who have been given the brush off by me for the sake of my intentions.

my journey to find love in this life, not romantic but real love, for myself and for the world with all its hardness, for everything, infinite love, has been hard and long. i am not there yet, but every day is a practice and reminder of how to love and be love. that is not a typo. i cant forget how fortunate i am to have this life the way it is, no matter how it is. i just have to work at it more.

back to bleeding the stone...