42 (Everything I say she takes to heart. Everything she takes she takes apart)

there was no token of your feelings

there were no good times

to remember

like a fish

i was at the end of your line

one of many cast out from your ship

you never even put me in a bucket of water with the others

you played like a child

thrusting me forth from the sea

to flail and gasp

plunging me back in

to drown in my own waves

for you

it was only a game

perhaps you thought

the fallout would be minimal

but i have whiplash

and there are scales missing

one above my right eye

that one was my dignity

one at the edge of my tail

that one was the lie

the five that surrounded the rip in my face

those were my pride, my idealism,

my trust, longing, love.

my scales will regrow

but forever there will remain scar tissue

from your harmless game.

the game ended

when i opened my mouth to show you

the broken skin

the missing bits

don't turn away and hide from me,

i am but a fish

flapping in your hand

so throw me

and i will swim away

41 (the sweetest thing ive ever known, is the kiss on a collar bone)

to reignite the flame of desire

is to reignite the passionate anguish

in which you lose yourself

and allow the brain to

fire sinapses

that bridge

all your neurosis

to rejection

and everything that

comes out of your mouth

though thought on for far too long

still isn't right

and still makes no sense

and of course

because you are so full of desire

everything anyone says

must

have some other meaning

and your obsessions fester

pining

poisonous

helpless you are

to keep yourself from feeling what you do...

how long has it been?

never to long to resume a game of cat and mouse

but when we are both cats, we turn into pussies

and we are both mice, well,

we are both mice.

playful banter has never been so violent

loaded

and no longer an elephant in the room,

it's just a sore subject

that we choose to abstract

so that not only do we get to honestly fuck around,

we both get to climb back into the clouds and float away

not a single moment

where there is touch

even when the hearts get spilled

and the teeth gnash in attempts to hold back vocalizing

the answers to questions asked

regardless of our shared knowledge..

you know, that i know, that you know, that i know, that you know,

That,

you know...

40 (Ever since he can remember, people have died in his good name...theres one thing that he's sure of, this has been going on too long)

I have been listening to sooo much Lily Allen. I really like her. My job has relaxed its grip on me a little, and I feel okay about how things are going. Still wary and still not comfortable, but not fearful all the time, haha.

I adopted two kittens on Monday, and I think it was a good idea. I only wanted one. but whatever. They are crazy right now. I have moved in with Alex onto to a few blocks from where I lived before. He likes the kittens. My room has two walls that are all window, but it doesn't have great air circulation. The apartment is cute. But I still wish I lived alone.

Eryn left on Tuesday morning. But she is coming back in August. It's been a long time since I have gotten that close to someone that quickly.

I forgot to post that all, and now I am adding onto it at this late hour on a Sunday. My weekend has been bizarre and not great.

I feel as though not much has remained in my head that enters into in, at least not for a week or so. I think that I might be mentally unhinging myself in some ways.

I feel cold. In the sense that my heart is closed. and I feel little, if any, affection for most people currently. I'd make a list of people who I love, but I fear that not only would I forget someone, at least one, but it would also be offensive to anyone not on it. It's not worth the thought or effort or embarrassment to post.

I was going to go to sleep an hour ago. I've spent the majority of the weekend in bed. watching Oz. or Buffy. Or nothing. This guy I dated in New York for a little more than a month back in December came down to visit me. I think his reasons were off and I think he realized here, in my territory (so to speak), I am not the person he thought I was. I had always been a temporary installation in his space, a quiet addition. I am not an addition. So that's on its way out.

We had a fine time though. Everything I've said and done feels like a long time ago.

When was the last time I have felt?

Felt for you?

Felt you?

When is the next time I will feel?

Feel for you?

For anyone?

Round, though it is,

there is a point

so tiny at the end

smaller

than the tip

of a Pencil.

Circular, spiraling

downward

towards the end

and at the point

look back up

will you see

the journey?

The long and winding road that took us

from there

to here.

Here... Here where we are. At the point.

The point when we have come Full Circle.

The point where hindsight is 20/20

The point that is smaller than the tip of a pencil

We have been tripping towards the bottom, ever since the top.

The tip. The point.

The point at which we will see it all.

The point at which we will part ways.

39 (left me saying nothin, nothin, like i always say)

So I know I haven't written in a bit. My life has been winding down a crazy road and everything is hard, but it's still beautiful.

Things are breaking every day. I am breaking under the weight of my thoughts every moment. And yet I am standing upright all the time. I am Sami Weak Walls. I might crumble.

I got a job. I work at the rebuild organization now, but in the office. No more finish carpentry or any other carpentry on a regular basis for me anymore. Now I am a case manager for TSA clients, but that will be done within a month or so because the money's out. I'm also working on another grant project with the rest of the staff. My roommate, pregnant, and almost into her fifth month, is doing fine. Her boyfriend is doing fine too. He is doing fine in the room next to mine. He is employed... going to New York to pick up his pitbull this weekend and bringing it back here on the 22nd.

In other news, I am apartment hunting. I am ideally looking for a one bedroom or studio. I may have to forfeit and live with Alex. I didn't want to live with a guy. However I suppose if we had interior doors (unlike in this house) maybe it wouldn't be an imposition.

Now that I am confined in large part to a computer, I have thought about my femininity. I have worn dresses to work. I go to meetings sometimes. I have thought about getting my nails done.

I dyed my hair blond on Friday.

I have been under extreme stress in the past few weeks, and I have largely been failing to deal with it. I am really sad that Eric will be leaving soon. I hate losing people. lower nine is sometimes a bubble and when people you love leave, its like its popped. Quickly it grows back, but they've died in a way. I kid around all the time about "friend village", but not so secretly, I wish it could be real.

I am so full. so full. and yet...

I have found a new love. a new artist to love. his name is gregory alan isakov. his music is so nice and sad and pretty.

I have been indulging in deep conversation lately. I say indulging because I have not hesitated to get personal with a number of folks and I don't know how I think about that. I think mostly I like it, I've not made a mistake in being loose with my words. But I do feel perhaps I am doing this because I have not dealt internally with some things and so I need to speak about them. It's like emotional torrets.

This is another reason I'd like to live alone. To play my own music and to write and read and think out loud and decorate and be alone and be in my own head. control my space. have privacy. I am severly lacking in that right now.

i know nothing

now, nothing

now, nothing

no, no thing

no, no

know, no

i know, no

pour me a glass of port

poor me, poor me

a glass, a lass...

alas..

38 (Your mother and I are both feeling bad, but things will get better, they won't stay this sad)

A List of Things to Do... Tomorrow:

1. Call Darryl
2. Mail Check
3. Open bank account?
4. Check on Passport
5. Ride my new bike??
6. Practice Driving
7. Call my dad
8. Buy envelopes/stamps
9. Get new charger
10. Return movies
11. Work Out!
12. Brainstorm on writing project
13. Read Whiteout
14. Start playing with charcoals
15. Research jobs



Clean skin, laced with ink
and hair
golden in the light
darker in the wind
bare legs
feet covered by shoes
too big to ignore
but unseen in the blackout
arms crossed
in the store
candles lit and listening to the whispers of the rain
the clashing of thunder
rapping on the roof
begging to be let in
we stand in silence
flickering lights, ATM
a moment of dyslexia- MTA
and homesickness for an instant
flickering lights
on the C train late at night
from New to New,
will it ever get old?
Me, the migrant
Me, in a city so small
in a world so large
Here, I am reminded of roots
paths cross again, with years or more apart
one is silver, the other is gold
everyone lit and plated with their
armor
amour... j'adore..
je t'adore, je suis fatigue et je veux un moment de silence.
Le silence pendant que le tonnerre frappe
mendier laisse entrer
Moi, dans une ville si petit
dans un monde si grand
avec la peau propre et les grandes chaussures
mendier laisse entrer

37 (We're in the swim, sinking in time, until finally we drown and go)

Here I sit. smoke pressed between my lips. in louisiana. ive just finished The Dying Animal, by Philip Roth. The writing is exquisite. The story is perverse and tender. And now I wonder..


Must everything I write be composed to the point of perfection? Must I write solely to articulate every poignant thought in my mind, and everything be my masterpiece? For if the answer is no, and the art of expression merely something to indulge in, rather than pursue relentlessly, I think that I may perish at the thought of it. Perhaps then, regardless of the answer at large, the answer for me must remain Yes. How good it feels to say Yes. When the answer is Yes, I have been given the go-ahead. When the answer is no...there is rejection in it. Not always a bad rejection, but the pregnancy of the moment is aborted with a No. New directions to turn in, sure. But the pursuit, it has ended.

Which brings me to a new question. Not new, renewed. When does the beginning start? Is there a beginning before the beginning? And if there is no identifiable "Beginning" to any one thing, or anything at all, is there such a thing as an end? I think, No. No. I have rejected the concept of an End. There is no end. To anything. Only redirection, evasion, but it persists. What persists? IT. Whatever IT is.

And with that then, I must ponder, in the realm of relationships between people, me, you, you or you, any of you, can they end? And even if you say sure, they can end, people part ways, etc, etc. Does anyone ever fully put them to rest, "get over them," get over a person? I think again, I will reject the notion. After a bad breakup, or even a mutual one, the injection of that person into your life can never be erased, only come to peace with. But even after that has been "achieved," if it can be at all, and one could possible be satisfied, it's not over.

An excerpt- from this book:

"You tasted it. Isn't that enough? Of what do you ever get more than a taste? That's all we're given in life, that's all we're given of life. A Taste. There is no more."


Sad. I think, if true, quite sad. When does one feel most removed from life? When does one feel most themselves, or at least, in themselves? When there is something to pine for. When there is the desire ignited within you to pursue... and why, why should one be thankful to have wet the palate and then be denied satisfaction?

We deserve more. I want more. I intend to have more.

36 ( I think I'll even wonder, if you meant it at the time)

an undulating curve

i wish the softness of feeling could be conveyed through language.

but all the tender things that might be in my heart

never translate in the mind, let alone

make it out

the mouth.

and for fear of rejection

all the sweet nothings, that are true, remain nothings

and so i creep to the towers

and become a ghost

high, beyond reason

unattainable

incommunicative

unresponsive

more than that,

a perfectly composed pile of shit

look from afar and see a statue

bring with you binoculars

and see a figure

drowning in the contents

of themselves

ask why or how or what

and the lips will open

but all that will come out

astringent and strings of honey

thick with blood

enthusiastically

without tone

ask why or how or what

and the arms will reach out

the hands grabbing at yours

to engage you in a dance

twirling like dervishes

waltz, swing, flamenco

until you can't stand

and the statue

will harden again

bouncing back and forth

between mirage

and the ground you've tread on

i am stressed out a lot. im drawn and quartered between the best and the worst and the nothing and the everything. where's my center?

35 (I'll take some love from my heart to keep your body warm, You won't have cold feet, cold cold cold feet)

So I am in New Orleans now, looking for a job. Brianna and I have found an apartment, or half a shotgun rather, in the bywater. It is a really nice place and I'm excited to move in. We have no furniture though... which is sort of an issue. But it will come together eventually I think.

You know, having made the jump, I feel like I'm still falling. I don't really know how else to put it. At this point, I am waiting to find out about college for next year, waiting to submit a proposal for a job, waiting to start a life. I'm doing everything I can and it's hard to determine which direction I want to go in when I have the whole thing open to me. Money is an issue. I understand that. I feel like this is a start. to what? I don't know. My life has been in motion for a long time and I don't know..

I'm happy to be here. I'm glad I did this. I'm glad I left New York. I have no regrets and I want to see what will come into my space, my new space. I'm also glad I did this with Brianna as opposed to any other person. There is no "but". There is a question mark as to what will happen next.

It's very cold here, and I hate feeling chilled all the time. Heat is not a top priority in homes here, which is understandable. I am excited to have a kitchen of my own. I'm just sort of aching to put down roots I think. At the same time though, a year in one place is the longest I will have remained in the same living space for a long time now. I'm not afraid of that, but I just want to live it. And I suppose it takes living it to live it, if that makes sense, but I just want everything to come together. For having gotten here on the 30th of December it isn't like this has taken very long, to do everything we have.

It is not a cakewalk to find a job. At least not on craigslist haha... I need to put myself out there more and update my resume. I want to work on a house, or work with an organization. I have the feeling I can do some things. I think I can get something going. I want to see the world shift, I want to see impact. I want to be working with a hard-hitting place. I think this feels like a potential tipping point where something could happen. I want to see things happen and I hope for everyone I know who has the capacity to be a mover and a shaker that they can get grounded enough to do it. I want things to get better.

I didn't make any new year's resolutions. Maybe I should though. Any off the top of my head?

Finally get my fucking license

and learn to ride a bike

get a job

You know what? That's enough for right now with the resolutions and whatever. I think sometimes people just name goals, but there isn't any reason to tie them to a new year. I can do any of these things when I get serious, and it being 2010 doesn't change the level of my dedication to any of these things. However I do think there is some merit to the idea personally because I arrived in a new city in a new state right before the 1st of the year. Maybe it is important to make goals that pertain to this year at this time in this place. I'm not sure.

I think I should start doing art again. Coming down here and staying at Sarah's house, one of her roomates works in a print shop and the other is a conceptual artist. Everyone seems to try to have some creative outlet, and that is something I have not had for a long time. I really want to be as open as possible to everything and anything.

Ps. lets go JETS playoffffffssssss! tmw night oh yea. haha

34 (Come tomorrow tomorrow I'll be gone )

Tomorrow morning I will be on the road to New Orleans.

This month has been really hectic, I have been so busy. I went to Staten Island and saw the new house my parents are moving to, and then yesterday I was at their house on the upper west side. Last time I'll ever go to that building probably... crazy. Am I ready? As ready as I'll ever be.

The Jets beat the Colts, that was epic and I loved it.

I'm not feeling the posting right now but I suppose I should just ty to write a little bit. I have too much stuff though! and gahhh. ok whatever ill post in a few days.

33 (When the truth is found to be lies, and all of the joy within you dies..)

I haven't listened to that song in so long! I forgot how good it is. Currently I'm waiting for my politics class to begin... its the last one finally. I have a lot to do for the final on wednesday but until then I'm good. This morning was really a mixed bag, mostly bad. I left the house a little late and it was pouring. So I went into the deli and bought a 6 dollar umbrella, and then as i was crossing the street a car almost hit me. Not more than 3 seconds later a gust of wind came and literally snapped the metal handle of my umbrella. Not the top part, the stick that supports it. I was really unhappy. Then I had to wait for 25 minutes at 125th street. Sometimes I just hate this city.

But at least after french class I found out I'm looking at a high B or an A. That salvaged the morning sufficiently.

Also, I am leaving on the 29th of December to move to New Orleans. I am really excited.

A lot has happened since I last posted. Last weekend I went up to maine to visit my friends Paul and Ben. It was a little wild, and it snowed. All in all it was a good time. I also got a job last monday working as an assistant to this woman on the upper east side, and she might be the craziest person in the world. I am going to quit today haha. I realized I just dont have time to do this job and be invested in organizing her life when I have so much to plan in my own.

I also may be going to a Jet game on the 20th! That would be awesome, and I hope it happens. Ok the professor got here I will continue updating laterrr