49 (if its not like the movies, thats how it should be)

who am i

who am i

who am i

i am

closer, further, curated

poised, confused, uncontrolled

i am not

who i think i am

who i was

who i will be

_________________________________

the world keeps spinning. today my throat is burning, and my mind is blank. just like most other days. sometimes though, things gel at the same time as others fall apart.

yet again, i dont even know anything. its strange to realize that i live in a constant state of insecurity. the things i want, there are few. the things i dont want, i gravitate towards. the things i have, i clench tightly. sometimes i throw them away though.

i need to change myself. in a real way. i really dont know anymore. you know, in some ways i thought it wasn't me. but now i think its internal. like i just think maybe what is untenable is internal. its time again. ive been here before, and its time to shift the cycle again.

__________________________________

ive been collecting pennies

scraping the rust into my bowl of lonliness

to fill it with a million of the same face

ive been collecting quarters

so maybe all my lies will be discarded

with the fractals

that have been rubbed together

between the index and thumb pads

ive been collecting dimes. nickels.

like sand, they coat the floor of my apartment

so that every dawn

i can get up and walk through the past, and change.

i am a brute. jawing always at my weaknesses. daring you to humiliate me.

will you?

will you?

48 (what have you done today to make you feel proud?)

so the last time i posted was a while ago, i know. i am back in the bronx now, redoing my apartment. painting the walls white and the furniture red. it looks very good thus far, and im excited about it becoming my space again.

im kind of in a weird place though, honestly. im not feeling productive. i feel barely lucid sometimes. i think its a lack of structure. i got back into college and will be resuming come january though. id like to find a job too, and start writing again.

sometimes it just seems difficult to self reflect. theres a block in the thinking, where my brain is enveloped in lethargy. i feel like an egg shell thats filled with dark matter and fat. does that sound bad? haha, whatever. its hard to describe. every day i want to be better, to change, to be proud of myself. and here i am getting myself stuck in the past and repeating unproductive patterns.

i want to be inspired and find new and good things, but im not looking. i need to overcome this laziness. i have yet to decompress. i need to come to terms with who i am, and find out who that is. i need to renew myself and my commitment to my goals. this feels like a roadblock, but maybe its just a speedbump. yea. before i can move forward i need to get grounded again.

i want to have fun, and do well. i can. and i will. and i am going to start writing again. no more boring vague posts without substance. and im going to start baking and expanding my life. i feel good. i have a dentist appointment tomorrrrrroowwwww :( haha not looking forward to that.

47 (I felt you in my legs before i even met you, i felt you in my life before i ever thought to)

so another year, another yom kippur. i have not been posting, i know. i have almost posted a few times. maybe ill eventually post those drafts. its been a difficult time for me these past weeks. a really difficult time. i got really lost. im on my way back to an okay place now. aside from the things i have had to not feel good about, i have also had a lot to apologize for. like last year, i dont don't think it's necessary to get into specifics, god knows there's enough to max out the amount i can write in this text box.

im sorry.

looking back on last years yom kippur entry, i know that i have done good things in the past 365 days. i have worked to make the world a better place. i hope that i can regain the strength to do that through another vehicle, and maintain it.

i am sorry for becoming jaded and skeptical. i am sorry for becoming lax with how i live my life and treat myself and those around me. i am sorry for all of the unnecessary harshness i have brought into the world and i hope that somehow i can make up for it with love.

i want to be written into "the book of life" this year. not because i feel i am deserving it or i want the goodness for myself, but because i need to be better. this version of myself, as good in comparison to years ago as it is, isn't good enough. it takes a long time but i need to change. i need to learn more and be better. i need to make the world better than it is.

my ego can do with some more bruises. actually thats not the case. i could be more humble of course, but i need to repair my self esteem. i need to strip the layers of my frailty away and come out of this fragile state. i am much more capable than this, and i need to do what needs to be done.

i apologize to everyone who has had to endure all of my indiscretions, complaints, doubt. i am sorry for people who have had to tolerate my shortcomings and cover my failures. i appreciate all of them though i cannot even identify them all.

i have been focused on my goals. to the point that i have lost site in some ways of the larger picture. i am sorry for focusing on myself without as much consideration for other people. i am sorry to those people who have been given the brush off by me for the sake of my intentions.

my journey to find love in this life, not romantic but real love, for myself and for the world with all its hardness, for everything, infinite love, has been hard and long. i am not there yet, but every day is a practice and reminder of how to love and be love. that is not a typo. i cant forget how fortunate i am to have this life the way it is, no matter how it is. i just have to work at it more.

back to bleeding the stone...

46 ( What do you do with the left over you And how do you know, when to let go)

I have settled into living alone at Brianna and my place. My kittens are terrorists. They are the loudest fattest little crazies who have ever lived and they will eat everything i've ever bought. They have been fixed but somehow they seem not to know. After flooding my bathroom, which seemed like the ultimate ridiculousness, they still seem to go above and beyond reckless. Delicate little 4 month old babies are ruining my sleep.

Ambien also makes you walk like a drunk person if you stay up to long after taking it. I dyed my hair, it's dark brown. I also got new glasses. Self-overhaul? Hardly. The Americorps team is leaving monday after 6 weeks of work... or 5, i dont know. I have not yet joined a gym. A friend told me there's free yoga tonight but I'm not going to make it because I can't get a ride home from work yet and i refuse to take the bus today. Work has been a bit crazy lately, in the sense that I seem to be forgetting a lot and then scurrying to get it done before all goes to hell. We were also looking at a closing on some clients really soon, but now that may not be true. I can't get a hold of people I need to speak with... needless to say I am a tad frustrated. We repainted my office. It is now a lime green. I'm a fan., though it doesn't seem all that different to me.

Everything is going swimmingly on the whole though. I have learned how to ride a bike! I have also fallen a number of times, something I was afraid of, yet confident in its occurrence. My legs are bruised and my arms are tired. The last time I rode was Monday night... perhaps this weekend I will take it out for a spin again. I'm pretty shaky on it still, but the only way to get better is to keep working at it.

I've also been trying to play pool more in order to not suck so much at it... that seems to be going slower than the bike riding though haha, even though there's nothing to be afraid of there.

I have also planned a vacation week next month, when I will be going to see my grandparents and parents and sister. I'm very excited about this.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about where I'm at (5 weeks after my last post... shocking haha).I have a great job where I learn a lot and I get a lot of experience. Somehow though, almost 8 months into living here, I am still apprehensive about settling down completely. I miss new york. I am lucky.

I have settled into living alone at Brianna and my place. My kittens are terrorists. They are the loudest fattest little crazies who have ever lived and they will eat everything i've ever bought. They have been fixed but somehow they seem not to know. After flooding my bathroom, which seemed like the ultimate ridiculousness, they still seem to go above and beyond reckless. Delicate little 4 month old babies are ruining my sleep.

Ambien also makes you walk like a drunk person if you stay up to long after taking it. I dyed my hair, it's dark brown. I also got new glasses. Self-overhaul? Hardly. The Americorps team is leaving monday after 6 weeks of work... or 5, i dont know. I have not yet joined a gym. A friend told me there's free yoga tonight but I'm not going to make it because I can't get a ride home from work yet and i refuse to take the bus today. Work has been a bit crazy lately, in the sense that I seem to be forgetting a lot and then scurrying to get it done before all goes to hell. We were also looking at a closing on some clients really soon, but now that may not be true. I can't get a hold of people I need to speak with... needless to say I am a tad frustrated. We repainted my office. It is now a lime green. I'm a fan., though it doesn't seem all that different to me.

Everything is going swimmingly on the whole though. I have learned how to ride a bike! I have also fallen a number of times, something I was afraid of, yet confident in its occurrence. My legs are bruised and my arms are tired. The last time I rode was Monday night... perhaps this weekend I will take it out for a spin again. I'm pretty shaky on it still, but the only way to get better is to keep working at it.

I've also been trying to play pool more in order to not suck so much at it... that seems to be going slower than the bike riding though haha, even though there's nothing to be afraid of there.

I have also planned a vacation week next month, when I will be going to see my grandparents and parents and sister. I'm very excited about this.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about where I'm at (5 weeks after my last post... shocking haha).I have a great job where I learn a lot and I get a lot of experience. Somehow though, almost 8 months into living here, I am still apprehensive about settling down completely. I miss new york. I am lucky.

I also saw a great band last night... they play every other thursday. I'm going to get some info on them and post it for all 2 of you.

45 ( people you've been before that you don't want around anymore that push and shove and won't bend to your will I'll keep them still)

Again and again

I long for the talent and creativity

to write a poem.

What is more beautiful than a poem?

What is more miraculous than when a mere person can find the words

to illustrate a moment- a feeling

to color the world with a memory or fantasy

so real that you can taste it?

The sadness, the pointed resilience

or romance

found in music

is intrinsic to its nature;

to isolate the senses, and solely hear...

we feel the rest: we know the rest

But poetry...

Language is incompetent

the reasons why are unimportant;

but in how many places in life are we lacking words?

From expressing the deepest of sorrows to the most intense love

we cannot form the thought into coherant translations

those fair few

who can manipulate the tongue

to speak to the depths of our minds

those fair few

have tapped into the collective soul

to amaze us all..

I am sitting on a mattress with no sheet on it in a room with no furniture in it. The light in this room is dimmer than most others.

I am a schmo. I work like a maniac and haven't been sleeping well. However I had a meeting today with one of our partner agencies, an administrative one, and they were complimenting me and our organization quite a bit. I must say I felt really validated. By them. Another staff member was there and she said she would tell my boss... That was nice. Then I went to another meeting and then I moved 85% of all my shit back into Brianna's house. I had moved out, if I didn't say that before. I moved out may 1st. before june 1st i began my plans to move back in. finally its happening. i am wearing dirty clothing and haven't yet showered. Brianna is moving back to New York on Friday morning. My kittens have a vet appointment on Thursday morning... they have fleas, and there is a group of 24 youth coming to work with us tomorrow morning and the organization running the program that hired them is the biggest shit show I have ever seen. Those people have had me stressed bad... not to mention I have a serious deadline coming up next thursday and I am nervous.

But at least the world isn't cracking up. Or maybe it is. The air here is suffocating and the heat is oppressive. It storms daily, which is generally the high point of my day when it's coolest and the least humid. For some reason, last summer seems to be much less hot than it was. We also have barely any long termers. We have an americorps team, I like them all, but I can tell there may be some difficulty with agism. I only know 3 of their names. Maybe they aren't to blame. I am achey and I haven't gotten my licsense yet. Maybe I will join a gym, for the millionth time. Moving costs a lot of money. I dream about strange things, and I wake up feeling like I did falling asleep- like I just need rest.

Sometimes I wish that everyone would want to read and follow this blog. And then I think about it and I wish that no one read this blog at all. I don't know what I want or where I'm at, let alone where I'm going. I'll tell you this though, I'm on my way.

hear me,

raging in my crusades

rumbling forht like nightfall

when you wish the day would last

with my cross to bear

i bare all

there are no nails in my palms

only psalms of sadness

feel me

when my skin burns right through yours

and the fever of my need

binds your blood to my veins

this is my cross to bare

44 (You will believe in love...)

I am tired of empty words and continuing a discussion that doesn't go anywhere or mean anything.

I am tired of sleeping restlessly and waking up in a world of dreams, narrow and misguided.

Nest. Nest. Nest. Nest.

I would like to waltz in french and dip you in a lavender dress.

I would like to wake up in a haze of heat and light, with drops of dew as the sole clarity in the world. What earth would be in the summer, if all the moss would overgrow my conscious self.

If all the stringent blood and acerbic words would take a moment to swirl up in a cloud of imagination, if all the awkward scenes would fast forward... so fast that the world would be one of haze and heat.

the sun would ripple the streets

there i would be

peeling at the edges

strip off every layer and find there is a cloud

vapors, water

a mist dissolved

all my thoughts are only a breath

the thick coating of experience

on my tongue

high blades of grass

fingernails with a thin crust of mud

making dimples in the ground

i can hide here, in the meadows un-mowed.

let the body be

enveloped

once the skin and bone have pared

a light will escape

brighter than the sun

the quiet of an eternal moments imagination

stretched with longing

summer lasts forever

43 (I've gone crazy, couldn't you tell. I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell)

i don't know what i am doing at all and i don't know why i don't know because i think

i know some things but i suppose i am wrong in thinking that i know anything. i don't know anything and i don't know why. and i don't know why i thought i knew anything, and i don't know where the knowledge i thought i had came from.

who knows what i know? what i know is nothing to know. there is nothing to know.

so if there is a need to know basis there is nothing to say. what is it that i thought i knew? i don't even know what i thought i knew. i just know that whatever i thought i knew was either wrong or i didn't actually know it.

i want to cut off my lips and run in the grass

i want to cut off my clothes and roll in the dirt

i want to tear off my skins and lick my teeth

i can only hear the ringing in my ears

and i can only taste the blood

from the heart i've torn and chewed

like cud

______________________________________________________________________________

i am a painter of dreams

i am a writer of light

my eyelids

are heavier than

2 bricks

______________________________________________________________________________

sad sold sentiments

in my pocket

fuck this.

who can say what i what i

i have nothing new to say.

the art of the stringing of words

like beads

to create the most beautiful

intricate necklace...

my fingers are paralyzed

crammed down my throat

and over my eyes

who could ever know that all i could think about

is everything

and you, you, random and worthless

are my recurring dream

and the rest of you

fester/s/ in the stomach

wrestling, flailing, in the bile

and unbeknownst to you

caught in the rip tides of my acid

you will be burned alive by my insides

my stomach, my stomach

clenching around you

churning

how do i purge?

running nauseous and blind

my nails are scraping

the soft insides of my throat

where i long only for sweet melodies to escape

42 (Everything I say she takes to heart. Everything she takes she takes apart)

there was no token of your feelings

there were no good times

to remember

like a fish

i was at the end of your line

one of many cast out from your ship

you never even put me in a bucket of water with the others

you played like a child

thrusting me forth from the sea

to flail and gasp

plunging me back in

to drown in my own waves

for you

it was only a game

perhaps you thought

the fallout would be minimal

but i have whiplash

and there are scales missing

one above my right eye

that one was my dignity

one at the edge of my tail

that one was the lie

the five that surrounded the rip in my face

those were my pride, my idealism,

my trust, longing, love.

my scales will regrow

but forever there will remain scar tissue

from your harmless game.

the game ended

when i opened my mouth to show you

the broken skin

the missing bits

don't turn away and hide from me,

i am but a fish

flapping in your hand

so throw me

and i will swim away

41 (the sweetest thing ive ever known, is the kiss on a collar bone)

to reignite the flame of desire

is to reignite the passionate anguish

in which you lose yourself

and allow the brain to

fire sinapses

that bridge

all your neurosis

to rejection

and everything that

comes out of your mouth

though thought on for far too long

still isn't right

and still makes no sense

and of course

because you are so full of desire

everything anyone says

must

have some other meaning

and your obsessions fester

pining

poisonous

helpless you are

to keep yourself from feeling what you do...

how long has it been?

never to long to resume a game of cat and mouse

but when we are both cats, we turn into pussies

and we are both mice, well,

we are both mice.

playful banter has never been so violent

loaded

and no longer an elephant in the room,

it's just a sore subject

that we choose to abstract

so that not only do we get to honestly fuck around,

we both get to climb back into the clouds and float away

not a single moment

where there is touch

even when the hearts get spilled

and the teeth gnash in attempts to hold back vocalizing

the answers to questions asked

regardless of our shared knowledge..

you know, that i know, that you know, that i know, that you know,

That,

you know...

40 (Ever since he can remember, people have died in his good name...theres one thing that he's sure of, this has been going on too long)

I have been listening to sooo much Lily Allen. I really like her. My job has relaxed its grip on me a little, and I feel okay about how things are going. Still wary and still not comfortable, but not fearful all the time, haha.

I adopted two kittens on Monday, and I think it was a good idea. I only wanted one. but whatever. They are crazy right now. I have moved in with Alex onto to a few blocks from where I lived before. He likes the kittens. My room has two walls that are all window, but it doesn't have great air circulation. The apartment is cute. But I still wish I lived alone.

Eryn left on Tuesday morning. But she is coming back in August. It's been a long time since I have gotten that close to someone that quickly.

I forgot to post that all, and now I am adding onto it at this late hour on a Sunday. My weekend has been bizarre and not great.

I feel as though not much has remained in my head that enters into in, at least not for a week or so. I think that I might be mentally unhinging myself in some ways.

I feel cold. In the sense that my heart is closed. and I feel little, if any, affection for most people currently. I'd make a list of people who I love, but I fear that not only would I forget someone, at least one, but it would also be offensive to anyone not on it. It's not worth the thought or effort or embarrassment to post.

I was going to go to sleep an hour ago. I've spent the majority of the weekend in bed. watching Oz. or Buffy. Or nothing. This guy I dated in New York for a little more than a month back in December came down to visit me. I think his reasons were off and I think he realized here, in my territory (so to speak), I am not the person he thought I was. I had always been a temporary installation in his space, a quiet addition. I am not an addition. So that's on its way out.

We had a fine time though. Everything I've said and done feels like a long time ago.

When was the last time I have felt?

Felt for you?

Felt you?

When is the next time I will feel?

Feel for you?

For anyone?

Round, though it is,

there is a point

so tiny at the end

smaller

than the tip

of a Pencil.

Circular, spiraling

downward

towards the end

and at the point

look back up

will you see

the journey?

The long and winding road that took us

from there

to here.

Here... Here where we are. At the point.

The point when we have come Full Circle.

The point where hindsight is 20/20

The point that is smaller than the tip of a pencil

We have been tripping towards the bottom, ever since the top.

The tip. The point.

The point at which we will see it all.

The point at which we will part ways.