25 (Th information is unavailable to the mortal man)

So, today was nice and relaxing. Went to brunch and the the Satchmo Summerfest, all about Louis Armstrong and his life. Good Jazz, interesting seminars about his life. Tomorrow there is a Second Line parade in his honor and I really want to go but I promised Darren I would work with him on this house.

I have been thinking a lot about my mental state recently. And my mental state throughout these past 11/12 months. I have been stressed out a lot. And anxious. Not about or because of anything specific sometimes, I realize that it has been largely just my way of processing the change in my behavior and life thus far. I have dealt with anger for a long time in my life and I have, in the past 2 or so years, gotten great control over it. I'm proud of that, I enjoy it, but I do think a byproduct of not expressing and/or redirecting anger makes me stressed out. I'm also tired. 

I know moving back to New York holds a lot of opporunity, there's a lot there I can take advantage of. I am looking forward to having more privacy as well... but I'm also afraid of how easy it is to do nothing so much of the time when no one else is there to keep you in check. I just am a bit wary of the way things will start out- I don't really have too many, if any, friend in New York, I don't know how much energy I have to put into meeting people and trying to cultivate relationships at this point due to the state that I'm in, and have been in....

I'm not being negative here. I'm saying these things because I have been thinking about them, not because I need help dealing with them. I don't want anyone who reads this to think "oh, she should blahblah," or "do this, or do that, lalala,"

 It will work out, because I will make it work out no matter what. That is not the concern. The concern is 

I don't know- this is the issue though- if there is no issue, whats the problem? Blah!

Anyway, I may start journaling to keep track of stressors. Today, even though it was a great day, I find myself feeling not so great. I'm leaving New Orleans soon, in about a week, and I don't know when I'll get to come back next. Today was a great reminder of many of the things I love about this city and it makes me reluctant to leave. However the volunteering, as I may have said before, is a bit more thankless than my last experience down here. I still can't gauge the group dynamic and though I like each person individually, I find some things out of sync for me in the daily life regardless. I don't know if I've formed or found anything worth remembering this time either. I don't feel as though any one connection is special, although I wish it were. I suppose I just feel out of touch right now. And even if things somehow panned out this week and I randomly got close to one person or something, I would just be leaving anyway. 

There is one guy who arrived yesterday who I really enjoy talking to though. His name is Travis and he is from North Carolina. There are others too, who I enjoy listening to and speaking to- like Joe, and Jacob too. I hope I get to see what these people do with themselves in the next couple years. My computer is dying. I hope that I can find a camera for tomorrow, and I hope I cna unfortunately get out of working with Darren. 

24 (Just walk away, and remain silent)

I'd like to clarify something- from all the responses (on the blog and in conversation), people who read my last blog seem to think I'm sad or something. Though it certainly is true that this is a strange interim time, I' m not feeling down or anything like that. I just don't really know what to think. 

I think that I need to make some new connections, and find a job, and something...

I don't know. I just am not sure what to think about, or if it's worth it to even wonder about anything. The waiting game is almost over as the school season comes closer, and all of the options I was playing with before for things I am interested in doing seem like they shouldn't be anymore. 

Gosh, you know, also, I feel a little like I'm losing my motivation for this. I love this city, I never get sick of it, and I like construction a lot, but somehow I don't feel it like I did before. And the thing is that really gets me is that I left and I was so bummed for a while and I slipped into this sluggish shitty lifestyle, and then I was so invigorated to be back... maybe I was just projecting. I just feel bad, I don't get psyched to work anymore. Maybe if they stopped jerking me around and put me on one site I would be better... It also feels as though since I am only here for like 2 more weeks that it's hardly even worth it because not enough will get done. I wish I could do more. I feel less capable. 

Like yesterday for example, I worked with Darren and I was framing, which I am fine at, but he took charge (which he does with everyone I know), and I was rusty at it, a given, and I didn't do shit. I felt like I was useless. And I feel like I have just been doing random shit, I'm not skilled enough, strong enough, etc. I feel like maybe I'm not a good volunteer?? 

And I also feel as though, like I said last time, I've been on autopilot and it's really hard to turn my brain back on. I need a way to get into it. I'm hoping school can be that for me, I'm hoping it can work out. 

I like learning to drive a lot because of that too, I feel like I'm learning something important that makes me a more valuable person. I enjoy it, I want to be good at it, and I want people to be able to count on me to be able to do anything. I mean like transporting them, materials, and it makes me feel free. I want a vehicle. 

I just don't know what to do with myself.

23 (And if my thought-dreams could be seen, they'd probably put my head in a guillotine...)

So, I thought that I had posted more recently than I last did. I suppose anyone who was reading this blog probably abandoned it long ago. Well. A little recap, for both you and me. 

Following my brief trip back to New York, I returned to find everything still moving smoothly. And even though work was going steadily and my crew shifted after Ryan left l9 to Gordie and me mostly, but Iron John sometimes too, problems were brewing. The bathroom at Erin's took a lot longer than anyone thought, but we also installed some beautiful hardwood floors and baseboards, painted, tiled in the kitchen, lots of stuff. It seemed we would finish in early-mid may. Well, demands and sebacks kept pushing that date farther away and the crew stayed just the two of us for weeks. While all this was moving along, things in New York were wavy. My grandmother got very sick and was deteriorating really quickly. I had to push the date of my departure up and up. She died 2 days before I got back to the city. It was a whirlwind and I was very mixed up about a lot of things, including abruptly leaving New Orleans, and not completing Erin's home. 

I was in NY for a very brief period of time as well, leaving with my immediate family to her residence in Mexico to help take care of her affairs. It was an odd transitional week, and not 2 days after we got back to NY did my sister not only graduate from college but also move to Boston. I speant a fair amount of time there and then came back to NY, where I tried to being getting my apartment together as well as taking care of preparations from school.

During these ongoing things I also got somewhat sick, and I am still dealing with the fallout from that a little bit. Anyway, I got most eberything with school worked out, although I still hae not come to reconcile myself with the commitment. I feel pressured, and unenthusiastic, I don't want to go right now, there are lotsof things. Either way, things did not come along too well in New York. I really hermit-ed  it up and slept a lot, didn't communicate too much, and finally decided to return to New ORleans after failing miserabley to find a job of any sort. 

Soo... now that that is out of the way, I'm back. And yet again, the vibe is totally different. It's even more strained this time it seems. People dont do much.... Friday and Saturday went by without more than a suggestion of going out. Long term people I was friendly with last time seem more withdrawn as well, and a few people are outwardly frustrated. The tension over the dogs also has heightened, with the ultimatum for them to be given away or taken away. I've also returned when quite a few people are leaving.

The heat is oppresive. The calender hasn ot been changed since I left. In fact, every day I see on the calender the day where "SAM LEAVES". For some reason it bothers me. And some of my relationships/whatever you want to call it, have diminished greatly, and I feel as though perhaps I should being to stake out a new liason in this city. That may be preemptive, unneccesary, an overstatement, but i feel something brewing that was not present last time I was here. Also, since I have to leave in a matter of weeks, I feel like whatever I contribute this time will be minute and perhaps not enough. I'm not sure. I'm having issues thinking about it. 

On the other hand, in the past few days I have had some really in depth conversations with people that I think were really interesting and gave me a lot of insight, and I feel privelaged for that. However the thinking that it requires on my part is not always comfortable, especially whn it comes to things i purposely ignore. One of those things is the loneliness I have felt very much this year, and even before. Everything having been so temporary, you and everyone around you is too. Also people getting old, dieing, leaving, etc. I don't know. theres a lot and it is difficult to being to immerse myself in sifting through it to a) figure out what and how I think about specific things, b) how i feel about those things and how i feel/think about those feelings, c) making decisions about my priorities and what sacrifices I have to make in order to align myself with them, d) if those sacrifices make sense, etc etc. You know, life reflections. 

Thus, I have returned to the blog in order to begin. Here goes.

22 (It's like New York without the new york yanks, or better yet without the new york franks)

So I have bought my ticket home for wednesday. I'm going home for one day for Passover. I wasn't really thinking about it until I got the tickets, and im actually pretty excited. Its SO hot today, I'm not even wearing a shirt. I am alone in the bedroom though so its cool. No one I've seen for the past couple hours has been wearing a shirt either. I think we might be going out to dinner tonight, and hopefully my new credit card will work without a problem. I couldn't buy my plane tickets online with it though so I'm a little concerned. 

Friday was a half day but then Alex and I worked on saturday. I have some concerns regarding work; I have been working on the same house for a while now and have been the surrogate crew leader when the real one doesn't feel like working (which was 4 of 5 days this past week) but I originally only started on that house to do tiling. And now there is another house that needs tile done on it and I'm not sure if I will be able to go there and do it, especially if I have to keep filling in for my shitty crew leader. I mean the homeowner calls me now with questions about most everything going on in the house, and the crew leader doesn't know anything about what has been going on, not to mention he really doesn't seem to care. He doesn't, and hasn't ever, written the daily site reports on this house, and the reports were created by him. It makes no sense and honestly I'm really fed up with it. It keeps bearing on my mind and I keep getting irritated by it, probably just because it affects what I will be doing, not just the work in general which he has a knack for slowing down. 

Anyway. New York. I'm happy to go back for that day and a half, get a little cold, see the fam, eat some stuff i otherwise couldn't, maybe pick up some new clothing (seeing as i rewear the same 3 shirts every day...) I have direct flights too! I feel like singing. I wish I didn't sweat so much :(

Construct

De Construct

Re construct

I'm torn. Things can go in so many different directions at this point, and I don't know which way to turn. Life here and life in New York make me so entirely different, and I just am not sure where to throw in the chips. I can live and be happy in both places doing totally different things with my everyday life, and its hard. There are things in me that come from how I have lived for a long time that I can't give up, habits of appearance and the like, but at the same time a lot of things I have given up seem to be worthless to take up again. And it's totally impossible to go back to New York and maintain this way of living. 

And honestly, which one is reality? 

I played monopoly today and I bought a bunch of properties that other people needed in order to get a monopoly and I refused to trade them. You get your claws in enough to everything so you have leverage, and keep other people from getting too much power, and you really throw a wrench in everything. No one likes checks and balances when the goal is domination. 

Thinking on that, last night as we were hanging out we started talking about police and the court system, down here, in California (in reference to the Bart shooting...  http://www.mercurynews.com/breakingnews/ci_11977698 ) and I was thinking about how ridiculous the system we live in is. Which brought me to thinking about this song by Crass, called Big A Little A. There's a line in it about how if you don't like the system you shouldn't play the game. I don't want to play, but it's all a game figuring out how to not play as well... 

Oy, the curse and gift of thinking haha...

21 (I don't beg for no rich man, and I don't scream and kick when his shit don't fall in my hands man, cause i know how to steal)

Erin's master bath (Before and after... not done yet though!)

The first 2 pictures are Pug's bedroom, the other floor pictures are Elvin and Pat's room. Both of those are finished and sealed. 

So, been tiling a little bit. The visit was awesome, got some good Zabar's and had some nice time with my mom. It was really good to see her. It was also interesting it pulled me out of my world a little and out of the present, got me on the future tip a little. Ate a loooot, won't be doing that too soon again. Tomorrow I'm doing prep on a floor finally so we can start laying down the hardwood flooring, and also hopefully finish tiling that master bathroom. 

I finally got the usb cord for my camera!

And it's pirates week... hopefully should be fun. saturday night was a little ridiculous. very late. brooke also made me laugh a lot the whole night, im pretty bummed she left. hopefully some sweet new people will show up for long term volunteering. i could use a couple new faces. 

I got the sneezes. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about people i haven't seen in a while, and i wish i could see them. i need more sleep. we had a bbq on sunday and it was really good. im hungry. i think i had something else to post but i forget. ill put up some mardi gras pictures when i get the chance. 

20 (despite the truth that I know, I find it hard to let go and give up on you )

I shaved part of a head today haha

I am eating a granola bar and i am craving food from these places

1. Sansotta Brothers

2. Calle Ocho

3. Matsu

4. T&R

5. Big Nick's

6. Sarabeth

7. Ocean 

8. Ollie's

9. Fresco Tortilla

and some places I wish I could go right now

1. Zabar's

2. Citerella

3. West Side Market

4. Tani

5. The UWS in general but for sure sheep's meadow

6. Gurgi's 

Saw Air Bud on TV today... random

I really hope this week is interesting, I feel like it holds a lot of possibilities

And I cannot wait for Thursday I'm shitting myself thinking about it. not literally. 

I finished the shower today, as much as could be finished! AND Alex told me he's coming back down... see, you just can't stay away once you come down. 

Yesterday was nice, I went out and bummed around the French Quarter a bit, saw a couple songs by a pretty good band, then had a nice hour of waiting for and taking the bus with some girls who are both leaving soon, really unfortunately. I like them both, and a bunch of people are leaving soon. Today is Sarah's last day, Brooke leaves sunday, the next week heather leaves, and then like two weeks from then lil' john leaves too. he's been here foreverrrr. 

i think im finally understanding the frustration with telling short term volunteers about yourself, like today i told these 3 ladies about myself and i did it so many times last week and this whole month, i found myself being rather short with them. i tried to be nice but it just seemed so silly because ryan and i will probably get rid of them before the end of the week, and i'm not even working thursday afternoon or friday, so there's not really a point to talking to them. So many of these college kids come here to make memories with their friends and just don't know anything or care about new orleans. they come here and don't follow the etiquette of the l9 house, they waste paint and stupid stuff and waste time, they are mostly unskilled and just do busy work, or if you try to teach them something like mudding, they usually just fuck it up. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. Now don't get me wrong though, they're important and necessary. Just more of a hassle than would be ideal. 

I wish...

I could drive

and had a car

Oh! I think I found myself a job starting in April working at a gelato shop like 3-4 days a week. I really hope it works out...

By the way, the whole world is dirty. Clean is an illusion. just like control. 

19 (You are beautiful)

2 of my friends saw someone get killed last night in front of a bar. it was a hate crime. 

one of the puppies has been gone for a week and these punk ass little kids are the culprits for sure. they go around beating and kidnapping dogs. we think she is dead. 

today is a beautiful day. 

18 (Here is something you can't understand... How I could just KILL a man)

The past 10 days have me a little fucked up, not gonna lie.

Started out with a really strange weekend which has had my head all screwed up and over thinking everything, plus i lost my fucking credit card and that was awful, now im broke and i owe this girl money and i think she's leaving before my card will get here. i also want to go out tonigh but i have literally 2 dollars. which kind of limits my ability to do much of anything. someone is screaming near by. i think its a baby. 

the week started off fine, pretty productive and i have claimed the bathroom as my own project and it worked out so im all over it. i'm a lot slower tiling alone, but i also had to watch the short term volunteers a lot and seal this floor a couple times which took a lot longer than i expected. not to mention someone fucking walked on it before it dried so it looks like crap now :( im really not chill about that at all, not to mention we discovered a TON of setbacks in the house we were previously unaware of, so theres a lot more work to be done. now its true i'd rather have this than lay the hardwood and have it buckle in two years because theres no floor joist under the subflooring, but at the same time its really frustrating. we also were closing up the wall and found that a bunch of studs were water damaged and had to replace those as well which took a ton of time, so the bathroom took a back seat. 

NOT  to mention the fact that my lovely crew leader decided he was too "fucked up from last night" to work yesterday and only came to the work site for 20 mins which was spent onthe phone with the homeowner. then he left me in charge of them without a description of what they should be doing, and proceeded to not call me at all. at lunch i figured he'd be rested and ready to work, but he never picked up or showed up. then at like 2:30 he called and said he was taking care of some insurance bullshit and told me he would be at the site soon. never came. and didnt pick up either, until his friend who lives at the house called him 30 mins before the day was over. 

i have a headache. son of a bitch. today was kind of good but also bad. it was warm and sunny and i had awesome bbq but again my crew leader did no work. he went to the worksite and hung out... and literally did nothing. now i took a much longer break at lunch than normal, but i got a lot done today too, especially because our short termers left at noon. 

im also not in a good mood because of some stupid fucked up things in new york that i cant really deal with, and i cant wrap my head around anyway. 

however i did re-find this thing called PostSecret, the art thing where people send in their secrets anon. to this guy and they go on the postsecret blog. you should search it, its incredibly moving. 

so i found a girl with the same camera as me but she left her usb cord at home too. oh well. 

im realy psyched for my mom to come down, i was thinking about it the other day- she will probably want to see a bunch of cultural stuff, and all i want is mundane luxuries and her company. who will be satisfied first? haha... hopefully both of us. i really need more shampoo. 

im so glad no one reads this. everyone i talk to on the phone asks me about shit i put up on here so they obviously don't keep up with it, so i figure i can pretty much write whatever i want. 

reading post secret made me think of all the things i never say that are true and i dont really admit to anyone, including myself. i still wont put them up here though. i think the lower ninth ward is my favorite neighborhood in america. 

sometimes when i already feel guilty i think everyone is mad at me. im probably just paranoid but whatever. i wish i had long hair. 

17 (Diva is the female version of a hustla of a of a hustla)

Today and yesterday were both kind of bad. No, they were both just bad.

Yesterday I got more frustrated then I have been in a reallly long time. I thought I might explode with anger. Every little thing that another guy on my worksite did pissed me off. Largely because as a long term volunteer he gets a stipend, so he gets compensation and isn't just a bad volunteer, he costs them money. He works a month on a project that took me and Alex 3 days. He doesnt clean up after himself, leaving thin-set (tile adhesive) to dry onto and inbetween the tiles making it impossible to grout without 3 full days of labor by 2 volunteers just scraping. That is fucking ridiculous. And he had a 2'x2' space on the bedroom floor that Alex and I took 2 days to do, and it took him a whole 8 hours to complete this stupid little mosaic. Granted, it was very nice, but it couldve been finished within 3 hours. Now, he's a good kid, but I can't stand shitty work ethic. I hate it more than most things in the world. If this were a company, no one would stand for that shit. And to think that he's gotten much better since I have been back. I was told that like 2 months ago he would come to the house at like noon and watch movies with one of the people that lives there. Ok. So then at the end of yesterday once he had grouted the bedroom and there were 5 minutes left til we had to leave, theres grout all over the floor. huge mess. and hes sitting outside in his van already on the phone. I was going to kill him haha. but i didnt, and he went back in in the evening and cleaned it thankfully. But of course didn't clean the tools and so when we arrived at work this morning we had and extra half hour of cleaning shit up just so we could start working. And largely we started grouting the bathroom that was finished so that he couldn't. We started working on the master bath in mid morning and it went pretty well though it was slow, there were a bunch of complications we didn't expect. Ryan came in a couple times and asked if we would be done with it this week... I hope he doesnt think he's taking over in there, cause that's my project. 

I think tomorrow I will get to home depot to deal with the rotozip bs. Tonight though theres a mandatory meeting for long-term volunteers about dealing with stress and like psychoanalyst bull. I really don't want to go, no one does. It's going to really suck. Plus I have to leave for it in like 15 minutes and I have no idea how long it goes for. I need to eat something before we leave. 

No poems or lists on this one. just notes. I'm not in a bad mood by the way, just venting a bit. Also I'm pretty psyched to get my package tomorrow :-D

16 (Just blame it all on me, say I was shameless)

Today was good, I worked from 10-12:30, and Alex and I finished the floor in Pat's bedroom as well as the last lonely tile in the shower of the bathroom. Finally!

A List of Things in Construction I have SKILLZZ in:

1. painting/priming 

2. mudding/taping

3. sanding/scraping

4. siding (removal and application)

5. flooring (from floor joices to finished floors, removal and application)

6. sheetrocking

7. framing

8. roofing (removal and application)

9. tiling!

Things I would like to acquire skills in:

1. Electrical work

2. Plumbing

3. putting in windows/door hanging

4. Getting better with detailed cuts in sheetrock/tile

5. Grouting 

I also need to work on being able to conceptualize the way things will work without them being done so that I can forsee potential problems or inaccuracies before I get to them. I also would like to get to know some tricks of tiling to cover up ugly edges and all the rest, but I'm sure that really comes with experience rather than anything else.

Today I had a muffeletta. For those of you reading this who do not know what a muffeletta is, it is the largest sandwich every created. I swear they really use a small round loaf of bread, its cut into quarters and its thick full of meats/cheese. I ate half and i felt as though I might explode, or puke. So, I am inquiring about staying longer, through July. If that is possible I think I will definitely go home for Passover, even though I would really like to make a Passover meal here. Maybe I still can even though it won't be exactly on the right day. I got a serious craving for Zabars yesterday. Sometimes there are real pangs of sadness I get when I'm away from the city, but I never really get homesick. Honestly, I could live in another place for the rest of my life as long as I could go back once or twice every couple months. 

NOW, a nap.