31 (20 Seconds til the last call, going "hey hey hey hey hey heyy")

I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY

I am SOOOOOOOOOO impatient!!!!! omg oyyyy vey i hate waiting. i need to work on that in a serious way. Potential plans are mulling in the pot and i am watching it waiting for it to boil. its really rough right now and i have a meeting with the director on wednsday and im telling him im leaving. I cant wait for december and january. its so far! hopefully itll go by fast and I can hustle on out of here. i need a job though. neeed! i want to go dancing or something i need to blow off steam. i literally did nothing this weekend.

ive been running my mouth about changing the world lately. I think I need to calm down and plan stuff out but its hard and there are lots of questions and issues to sift through before success can be attained. I feel super ADD right now though. I had a really nice dinner with my sister and we talked about a lot of things, family things. But not current affairs it was more relaxed and explorative. if thats a word. spell check isnt correcting it so maybe it is. Who knows?? I need to get a grip cause im freakin outtttt!!!!

jury duty on tues :((( lame.

30 (What Might've Been lost, don't bother me)

So I'm having out with it. I am leaving new york again. Lehman is not the place for me and I am being suffocated by the school and the living environment. I am speaking to my father about it tomorrow. I have a feeling things will not go well. So I wrote him a little essay to explain myself.

Either way I know something is missing in my life. Well there are a lot of things that are missing, and moving back to New Orleans and really taking the time to situate myself will help a lot, but I think I'm missing something that can't be filled by this change.

That thing is real companionship. I feel lately like I'm kind of in a funk, I can't communicate or something. I'm not feeling like anyone is on the same page as me, even though in a lot of ways I'm finally getting on the same wavelength with people who have great ambitions. I suppose what I'm saying is I feel lonely. That's not pleasant to say, especially on a public blog. But it's the truth. I need a friend.. and I have friends its just that none live around me, none see me on a regular basis. And not to sound depressed or fishing for anything but sometimes I wonder how much people really care about me- or anyone else for that matter. I know my family loves me and I love them too, thats not what I'm talking about though. Oh psh this is a stupid post. Sorry for the like 2 people who read this if you were checking.

But I can begin the countdown! 2 and a half months!! =)

29 ( Put a candle in the window, cause I feel I gotta move, but I'll be coming home soon, Long as I can see The Light))

Today is Yom Kippur. For those who don't know, it is the day of atonement.

I am sorry for the harsh things I have said, here or anywhere. 

I will not go through the many things I am sorry for but I will say that all I want, and the only path I have ever wanted to be on is Tikkun Olam. I just want to be able to stay on track and to be able to find he strength to carry out my part, and not be dissuaded by anything or anyone. 

Of course, no one is perfect and I have a lot to work on. This year, and this life, will hopefully be enough for something at all to happen. 

I need people to find the courage to understand and accept what I am doing with my life, and I need  to be unyielding in my attempts. 

28 ( I found a dream that I can I can speak to, A dream that I can call my own, I found a dream to press my cheek to)

So, I might be going crazy. Or I might just be getting on track.  The past week and change since I updated has been really busy. Don't know if I mentioned I started driving lessons, which is pretty good. But anyway aside from that, last week my friend Sam from Chicago came into the city for a night and I hung out with him... We had a really nice conversation that reminded me that thankfully there are some feminist women around that really understand reality. 

Then I worked a bit over in Jersey on a house which was cool too, that was on the weekend. Since I left New Orleans I've gotten so much weaker. I hate realizing that, but at least it can eventually become corrected. I just need to work haha...

But then! The week began and I've had this rush of stuff. This guy Matt came back from India and we hung out for 2 days and I got to know him better than I had before, and I had a pretty good time, I hope he did too. But all of this stuff came out of the visit that left me with a lot to think about you know? I just gotta sort myself out about it. But anyway as if I had any time to do that inbetween then and last night when 2 other people I'm friends with from New Orleans called me up and were like "We're downtown, come" and of course, I did. And over the hours I spent with them we had a lot of conversation that left me feeling better and worse at the same time. 

Better in the sense that there are other people that unerstand what I'm trying to say and that have amazing input as well, but also in the sense that they will be taking action to make the world a better place. Theyre all great people and I feel like I'm really happy to know them and be involved with the small group of people who can enact change, cause you know the whole saying it only takes a few people to change the world.... I think these are the people. I hope anyway. 

Worse because I am impatient. And I want to do things now and the urgency grows the more I talk about it. And because I feel an impotence creeping into my life here because of the concentration of problems here. New York City is a wonderful beautiful place filled with the best things in the world, but you can't possibly have the best without have the worst as well. The problems with the children here, the schools inherent issues, the intense loneliness that some people feel, the hugely high cost of living, being stacked on top of one another, workaholics being normal, everything in motion is cutthroat and if you aren't moving as fast then you are falling farther and farther behind and it's nearly impossible to get on your feet. Its like the cycle-tron you know those gravity machines, and everyone functional and working within this city is up at the top of the walls spinning so fast theyre fucking blind, and all the people that arent are stuck at the bottom trying to claw their way up in the midst of this super human pull. 

And then of course I have been bitching about school to a few people, but I'm beginning to see some things that I don't like too much. Not going to go into too much detail for your  sake but I'm not transitioning basically. And the evidence of bad attitudes all around is growing, and higher education doesn't seem to alleviate this ignorance at ALLL. Wow, I just pinpointed my problem without even realizing it. That is EXACTLY it. College isn't the cure for ignorance for most people. And I'm trying to cure ignorance. 

http://www.storyofstuff.com/

Lynn showed me that and Anyone who reads this blog should look at that too!

http://www.paullussiercompany.com/add_htmls/blessed_unrest.html

Watch this if you want something to think about too. 

By the way I thought about this a little. If you are a god-fearing individual, some people say that now God isn't here because all he can appear to for people is bread. You know what I mean? In the bible, biblical times, without the technology and lifestyle that removed all the people to far from the earth, God was there with them and had a relationship with teh people. And God isn't arond anymore because what people have done. They fucked up and thats why God is gone. They traded Mother Nature and the Holy Father for stuff. Everyone that's part of this religious bit these days, at least in America, is walking the line between begging for God and guidance but bending over for the companies and luxuries of the material machine. But I don't know. Sounds reasonable. God is what we want him to be, her, whatever, but people have betrayed this planet and yet all they ask of it is more and more and they give nothing back but worthless drivel about God. It's time for everyone to be God. It's time for everyone to be Divine and create miracles. Because people can do that. 

I believe in people.    They just need to get pushed you know.

Also, as according to the theory that everything people do is about sex, like everything ever, can I just say something about that to people. Can we stop being such cock blocks then? Shit cause we are gettin it and getting it and straight up getting in other species way. We're jerks. 

27 (Independent in every single sense of the word, I say what I want, you fuckin little sensitive herb)

I have so much energy out of nowhere. I feel really alive and really restless. 

Listening to this song is making me feel pretty free, I can say whatever I want and you know what? I will. So, I suppose now is the time to say some shit then. Ok. Here we go

I am sick of fucking everyone. All you annoying pathetic little people posting stuff all the time about celebrities and stupid idiotic bullshit. Why do you bother talking? It isn't worth hearing, not for me, not for anyone. Stop willingly filling your brain with friggin trash! God! I was on facebook, which is already bad enough, don't I know... but seriously these dumb girls talking about fuckin lady gaga and kanye west... get a life. Just because those people do whatever the fuck they want doesn't mean you A) need to pay attention, and B) need to care, and C) can't do whatever you wnt too! Ok, so they have money. Good for them. But like lady gaga, which i guess is the reason theres so much hype about her is her clothes or something. well whatever its a plo for attention. so if you dont like it ignore her, thats the only way to make her go away. All this idiotic talking about these people just fuels there fame. So SHUT THE FUCK UP about these ridiculous people. I dont care if theyre on TV. I dont CARE if kanye said some crazy shit! None of you people know them, and if you do i doubt youre spouting shit like everyone else. Stop speculating! Its NOT your business! do you talk endlessly about people you see randomly on the street? No. So what makes celebrities so different from me or you? They just get watched. They are the chosen weirdos to get followed by alll you fucking CREEPS. 

Get a Life! 

Oh, and if you want to hear some more, I got more. Here's some thoughts on rap music. What is all this bullshit coming out of these dumbasses mouthes? To give you an example, here's a lyric: 

" like a sprained ankle boy I ain’t nothing to play with ...."

and later in that song, 

" stuck my d*ck inside this life Until that b*tch came"

STUPID. NOT HARD. not cool. gross, and not creative. all these rappers literally come running to the studios to repeat eachother and talk about themselves. now honestly. SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don't care if you dreamed about guns and money and bitches and hoes. And who the fuck dreams about hoes? Why is it a GOOD status symbol if you have ridiculous people who only want you for your money? It's the ultimate fuck you really, because everyone that actually wants to get in with these dudes wants their money... its not like they offer a lot of intellectual stimulation or depth of thought and emotion. It's just praising their own apathy. Oh yea, Im so great i have tons of money and all i do is run my mouth. If you really get to the point where you are a "celebrity" and you have peoples attention, did you ever have ambition? Like jeez when you started out or when you were younger was there ANYTHING you cared about other than yourself? Why not talk about that? All these rappers just seem like such boring self centered people. Why does everyone love self absorbed people? Why?!

This isnt CULTURE! Fuck! Even intellegent people trip over themselves to stay up on gossip, they make careers out of other peoples plight. You might as well have a fucking talk show about all the poverty in the world and just shit on it all day long. When did people decide that they were all so different from eachother? Not one single person is better than anyone else. All you racist sexist fucks, all you weight obsessed clothing loving people, really. Start paying attention to your life. YOUR life. You are important! Why don't you care about things you can actualy be a part of? Is everyone really just a voyeur? Does everyone really Just want to be that?? 

Get off your bums and go do something. lazy people watching tv, parents stealing their kids childhoods by putting them in schools where they get 2 hours of homework when theyre 7 years old and then the only outlet they have is fucking video games! Cell phones when theyre 10! Why? Why raise them on television and internet? There was a time when people werent dependent on this stuff, its not good. Where are the values of human connection? Plugging yourselves in apicking and choosing what news you hear and what you care about. Choosing to ignore the problems in your own community so you can focus on just gaining more and more stufffff. more shit to have and say its yours. More luxury! Fuck all the people who have nothing, thts not my problem. They can suffer as long as i get my tvs and DIAMONDS and leather. Fuck all the animals being killed in inhumane ways so I can eat cheaply and as much as I fucking want! Fuck them dying so I can have a nice fur coat! Fuck all those people, fuck the world. 

I am NOT an angry person. I just get so fed up with all of this damn APATHY. 

Keep acting like its not your problem. But meet me, I'm going to MAKE it your problem. And if you send me away without hearing me out, not to worry. It'll be your problem later. It will, and I know it. Ignore the poor for too long, keep those people down long enough and something will happen- whether thats some sort of revolution or just a huge amount of people falling into poverty and our society running to the edge of the slippery slope and the middle class gets too stretched, I dont know. I'm not trying to start a revolution, I'm trying to tell people to SELF REFLECT. By no means am I above all this, but at least I try. At least I have passion. I'm not running away from the problems. I'm trying to deal with them, and figure out a way to spend my life trying to make things better for Everyone. Even all the people I get frustrated with.

One last thing: 

I have decided it would be fun to start cooking through a cookbook! i saw julie and julia and it made me think about how much i like cooking, and i havent done it for a while. So I am going to. No edits in this post.

26 (Dear shadow alive and well, How can the body die, you tell me everything, anything true)

Again, the consistent inconsistency. I am now back in New York, and it is beginning to turn towards Autumn. Fall is my favorite everywhere, and in New York, you just can't beat the beauty. However, I am really sick of living in the most drab of places, residing in the underbelly. 

I have begun college. It is fine, nothing special. I have felt kind of sick though for the past couple weeks, my sleep has been off... headaches, stomachaches.. whatever. Though there are not very many redeeming qualities about this city for me right now (save my wonderful family), I have been able to do a lot of reading. And so, I am posting a list of books I have recently completed/reread. Next to them I will mention how highly I recommend each, based on its topic. 

Books/Rating (No particular order)

1. The Hidden Face of Eve - Nawal El Saadawi/Highly recommend this, though its hard to read because of the issues is deals with; women and oppression in the Arab world. 

2. Dead Aid- Dambisa Moyo/ Highly recommend this one as well, very dense business analysis, slow read, but captivating and truly groundbreaking.

3. Slam- Nick Hornby/ Recommended. It is a pretty good novel, similar in style to Horby's other work, but the topic of teen pregnancy didn't captivate me the way his other writing has. 

4. Plane Insanity - Elliot Hester/ So funny! If you want something light without being pointless, this a great book. It makes you feel very human and connected, and happens to also be hilarious

5. Black Mass- Dick Lehr and Gerard O'Neill/ Depending... It was interesting surely, but redundant. About the FBI and a scandal of criminal doings with the Irish mob. Worth reading, but could have used quite a bit more editing. 

6. Nickel and Dimed (On not getting by in America)- Barbara Ehrnreich/ Again, worth reading although I'm still not sure about my opinions on her methodology. Lots of interesting first hand experience.

7. Under the Banner of Heaven- John Krakauer/ HIGHLY recommend this! Crazy, well written, well researched, captivating read about Mormons and religious fanatics in the US. 

8. Jewish Wisdom- Rabbi Joseph Telushkin/ Highly recommend. Even if you don't have the stomach for biblical texts, this is a great supplement, or basic reading for anyone interested in Judaism. The range of topics the book covers is mind blowing, and the speed at which one could read this is indicative of how great it is. I finished it in 3 days!

And Now.... Books  I am reading currently:

1. The Naked Brain- Richard Restak, MD./ So far, so good. He surely is an expert and the book is pretty wild.. Deals with concepts of neurosociety.

2. How We Die- Offhand cant remember/ Great.. seems a little gloomy but it isn't. Really interesting, on the things that cause people to perish, and the process. 

I want to go back to New Orleans. 

25 (Th information is unavailable to the mortal man)

So, today was nice and relaxing. Went to brunch and the the Satchmo Summerfest, all about Louis Armstrong and his life. Good Jazz, interesting seminars about his life. Tomorrow there is a Second Line parade in his honor and I really want to go but I promised Darren I would work with him on this house.

I have been thinking a lot about my mental state recently. And my mental state throughout these past 11/12 months. I have been stressed out a lot. And anxious. Not about or because of anything specific sometimes, I realize that it has been largely just my way of processing the change in my behavior and life thus far. I have dealt with anger for a long time in my life and I have, in the past 2 or so years, gotten great control over it. I'm proud of that, I enjoy it, but I do think a byproduct of not expressing and/or redirecting anger makes me stressed out. I'm also tired. 

I know moving back to New York holds a lot of opporunity, there's a lot there I can take advantage of. I am looking forward to having more privacy as well... but I'm also afraid of how easy it is to do nothing so much of the time when no one else is there to keep you in check. I just am a bit wary of the way things will start out- I don't really have too many, if any, friend in New York, I don't know how much energy I have to put into meeting people and trying to cultivate relationships at this point due to the state that I'm in, and have been in....

I'm not being negative here. I'm saying these things because I have been thinking about them, not because I need help dealing with them. I don't want anyone who reads this to think "oh, she should blahblah," or "do this, or do that, lalala,"

 It will work out, because I will make it work out no matter what. That is not the concern. The concern is 

I don't know- this is the issue though- if there is no issue, whats the problem? Blah!

Anyway, I may start journaling to keep track of stressors. Today, even though it was a great day, I find myself feeling not so great. I'm leaving New Orleans soon, in about a week, and I don't know when I'll get to come back next. Today was a great reminder of many of the things I love about this city and it makes me reluctant to leave. However the volunteering, as I may have said before, is a bit more thankless than my last experience down here. I still can't gauge the group dynamic and though I like each person individually, I find some things out of sync for me in the daily life regardless. I don't know if I've formed or found anything worth remembering this time either. I don't feel as though any one connection is special, although I wish it were. I suppose I just feel out of touch right now. And even if things somehow panned out this week and I randomly got close to one person or something, I would just be leaving anyway. 

There is one guy who arrived yesterday who I really enjoy talking to though. His name is Travis and he is from North Carolina. There are others too, who I enjoy listening to and speaking to- like Joe, and Jacob too. I hope I get to see what these people do with themselves in the next couple years. My computer is dying. I hope that I can find a camera for tomorrow, and I hope I cna unfortunately get out of working with Darren. 

24 (Just walk away, and remain silent)

I'd like to clarify something- from all the responses (on the blog and in conversation), people who read my last blog seem to think I'm sad or something. Though it certainly is true that this is a strange interim time, I' m not feeling down or anything like that. I just don't really know what to think. 

I think that I need to make some new connections, and find a job, and something...

I don't know. I just am not sure what to think about, or if it's worth it to even wonder about anything. The waiting game is almost over as the school season comes closer, and all of the options I was playing with before for things I am interested in doing seem like they shouldn't be anymore. 

Gosh, you know, also, I feel a little like I'm losing my motivation for this. I love this city, I never get sick of it, and I like construction a lot, but somehow I don't feel it like I did before. And the thing is that really gets me is that I left and I was so bummed for a while and I slipped into this sluggish shitty lifestyle, and then I was so invigorated to be back... maybe I was just projecting. I just feel bad, I don't get psyched to work anymore. Maybe if they stopped jerking me around and put me on one site I would be better... It also feels as though since I am only here for like 2 more weeks that it's hardly even worth it because not enough will get done. I wish I could do more. I feel less capable. 

Like yesterday for example, I worked with Darren and I was framing, which I am fine at, but he took charge (which he does with everyone I know), and I was rusty at it, a given, and I didn't do shit. I felt like I was useless. And I feel like I have just been doing random shit, I'm not skilled enough, strong enough, etc. I feel like maybe I'm not a good volunteer?? 

And I also feel as though, like I said last time, I've been on autopilot and it's really hard to turn my brain back on. I need a way to get into it. I'm hoping school can be that for me, I'm hoping it can work out. 

I like learning to drive a lot because of that too, I feel like I'm learning something important that makes me a more valuable person. I enjoy it, I want to be good at it, and I want people to be able to count on me to be able to do anything. I mean like transporting them, materials, and it makes me feel free. I want a vehicle. 

I just don't know what to do with myself.

23 (And if my thought-dreams could be seen, they'd probably put my head in a guillotine...)

So, I thought that I had posted more recently than I last did. I suppose anyone who was reading this blog probably abandoned it long ago. Well. A little recap, for both you and me. 

Following my brief trip back to New York, I returned to find everything still moving smoothly. And even though work was going steadily and my crew shifted after Ryan left l9 to Gordie and me mostly, but Iron John sometimes too, problems were brewing. The bathroom at Erin's took a lot longer than anyone thought, but we also installed some beautiful hardwood floors and baseboards, painted, tiled in the kitchen, lots of stuff. It seemed we would finish in early-mid may. Well, demands and sebacks kept pushing that date farther away and the crew stayed just the two of us for weeks. While all this was moving along, things in New York were wavy. My grandmother got very sick and was deteriorating really quickly. I had to push the date of my departure up and up. She died 2 days before I got back to the city. It was a whirlwind and I was very mixed up about a lot of things, including abruptly leaving New Orleans, and not completing Erin's home. 

I was in NY for a very brief period of time as well, leaving with my immediate family to her residence in Mexico to help take care of her affairs. It was an odd transitional week, and not 2 days after we got back to NY did my sister not only graduate from college but also move to Boston. I speant a fair amount of time there and then came back to NY, where I tried to being getting my apartment together as well as taking care of preparations from school.

During these ongoing things I also got somewhat sick, and I am still dealing with the fallout from that a little bit. Anyway, I got most eberything with school worked out, although I still hae not come to reconcile myself with the commitment. I feel pressured, and unenthusiastic, I don't want to go right now, there are lotsof things. Either way, things did not come along too well in New York. I really hermit-ed  it up and slept a lot, didn't communicate too much, and finally decided to return to New ORleans after failing miserabley to find a job of any sort. 

Soo... now that that is out of the way, I'm back. And yet again, the vibe is totally different. It's even more strained this time it seems. People dont do much.... Friday and Saturday went by without more than a suggestion of going out. Long term people I was friendly with last time seem more withdrawn as well, and a few people are outwardly frustrated. The tension over the dogs also has heightened, with the ultimatum for them to be given away or taken away. I've also returned when quite a few people are leaving.

The heat is oppresive. The calender hasn ot been changed since I left. In fact, every day I see on the calender the day where "SAM LEAVES". For some reason it bothers me. And some of my relationships/whatever you want to call it, have diminished greatly, and I feel as though perhaps I should being to stake out a new liason in this city. That may be preemptive, unneccesary, an overstatement, but i feel something brewing that was not present last time I was here. Also, since I have to leave in a matter of weeks, I feel like whatever I contribute this time will be minute and perhaps not enough. I'm not sure. I'm having issues thinking about it. 

On the other hand, in the past few days I have had some really in depth conversations with people that I think were really interesting and gave me a lot of insight, and I feel privelaged for that. However the thinking that it requires on my part is not always comfortable, especially whn it comes to things i purposely ignore. One of those things is the loneliness I have felt very much this year, and even before. Everything having been so temporary, you and everyone around you is too. Also people getting old, dieing, leaving, etc. I don't know. theres a lot and it is difficult to being to immerse myself in sifting through it to a) figure out what and how I think about specific things, b) how i feel about those things and how i feel/think about those feelings, c) making decisions about my priorities and what sacrifices I have to make in order to align myself with them, d) if those sacrifices make sense, etc etc. You know, life reflections. 

Thus, I have returned to the blog in order to begin. Here goes.

22 (It's like New York without the new york yanks, or better yet without the new york franks)

So I have bought my ticket home for wednesday. I'm going home for one day for Passover. I wasn't really thinking about it until I got the tickets, and im actually pretty excited. Its SO hot today, I'm not even wearing a shirt. I am alone in the bedroom though so its cool. No one I've seen for the past couple hours has been wearing a shirt either. I think we might be going out to dinner tonight, and hopefully my new credit card will work without a problem. I couldn't buy my plane tickets online with it though so I'm a little concerned. 

Friday was a half day but then Alex and I worked on saturday. I have some concerns regarding work; I have been working on the same house for a while now and have been the surrogate crew leader when the real one doesn't feel like working (which was 4 of 5 days this past week) but I originally only started on that house to do tiling. And now there is another house that needs tile done on it and I'm not sure if I will be able to go there and do it, especially if I have to keep filling in for my shitty crew leader. I mean the homeowner calls me now with questions about most everything going on in the house, and the crew leader doesn't know anything about what has been going on, not to mention he really doesn't seem to care. He doesn't, and hasn't ever, written the daily site reports on this house, and the reports were created by him. It makes no sense and honestly I'm really fed up with it. It keeps bearing on my mind and I keep getting irritated by it, probably just because it affects what I will be doing, not just the work in general which he has a knack for slowing down. 

Anyway. New York. I'm happy to go back for that day and a half, get a little cold, see the fam, eat some stuff i otherwise couldn't, maybe pick up some new clothing (seeing as i rewear the same 3 shirts every day...) I have direct flights too! I feel like singing. I wish I didn't sweat so much :(

Construct

De Construct

Re construct

I'm torn. Things can go in so many different directions at this point, and I don't know which way to turn. Life here and life in New York make me so entirely different, and I just am not sure where to throw in the chips. I can live and be happy in both places doing totally different things with my everyday life, and its hard. There are things in me that come from how I have lived for a long time that I can't give up, habits of appearance and the like, but at the same time a lot of things I have given up seem to be worthless to take up again. And it's totally impossible to go back to New York and maintain this way of living. 

And honestly, which one is reality? 

I played monopoly today and I bought a bunch of properties that other people needed in order to get a monopoly and I refused to trade them. You get your claws in enough to everything so you have leverage, and keep other people from getting too much power, and you really throw a wrench in everything. No one likes checks and balances when the goal is domination. 

Thinking on that, last night as we were hanging out we started talking about police and the court system, down here, in California (in reference to the Bart shooting...  http://www.mercurynews.com/breakingnews/ci_11977698 ) and I was thinking about how ridiculous the system we live in is. Which brought me to thinking about this song by Crass, called Big A Little A. There's a line in it about how if you don't like the system you shouldn't play the game. I don't want to play, but it's all a game figuring out how to not play as well... 

Oy, the curse and gift of thinking haha...