38 (Your mother and I are both feeling bad, but things will get better, they won't stay this sad)

A List of Things to Do... Tomorrow:

1. Call Darryl
2. Mail Check
3. Open bank account?
4. Check on Passport
5. Ride my new bike??
6. Practice Driving
7. Call my dad
8. Buy envelopes/stamps
9. Get new charger
10. Return movies
11. Work Out!
12. Brainstorm on writing project
13. Read Whiteout
14. Start playing with charcoals
15. Research jobs



Clean skin, laced with ink
and hair
golden in the light
darker in the wind
bare legs
feet covered by shoes
too big to ignore
but unseen in the blackout
arms crossed
in the store
candles lit and listening to the whispers of the rain
the clashing of thunder
rapping on the roof
begging to be let in
we stand in silence
flickering lights, ATM
a moment of dyslexia- MTA
and homesickness for an instant
flickering lights
on the C train late at night
from New to New,
will it ever get old?
Me, the migrant
Me, in a city so small
in a world so large
Here, I am reminded of roots
paths cross again, with years or more apart
one is silver, the other is gold
everyone lit and plated with their
armor
amour... j'adore..
je t'adore, je suis fatigue et je veux un moment de silence.
Le silence pendant que le tonnerre frappe
mendier laisse entrer
Moi, dans une ville si petit
dans un monde si grand
avec la peau propre et les grandes chaussures
mendier laisse entrer

37 (We're in the swim, sinking in time, until finally we drown and go)

Here I sit. smoke pressed between my lips. in louisiana. ive just finished The Dying Animal, by Philip Roth. The writing is exquisite. The story is perverse and tender. And now I wonder..


Must everything I write be composed to the point of perfection? Must I write solely to articulate every poignant thought in my mind, and everything be my masterpiece? For if the answer is no, and the art of expression merely something to indulge in, rather than pursue relentlessly, I think that I may perish at the thought of it. Perhaps then, regardless of the answer at large, the answer for me must remain Yes. How good it feels to say Yes. When the answer is Yes, I have been given the go-ahead. When the answer is no...there is rejection in it. Not always a bad rejection, but the pregnancy of the moment is aborted with a No. New directions to turn in, sure. But the pursuit, it has ended.

Which brings me to a new question. Not new, renewed. When does the beginning start? Is there a beginning before the beginning? And if there is no identifiable "Beginning" to any one thing, or anything at all, is there such a thing as an end? I think, No. No. I have rejected the concept of an End. There is no end. To anything. Only redirection, evasion, but it persists. What persists? IT. Whatever IT is.

And with that then, I must ponder, in the realm of relationships between people, me, you, you or you, any of you, can they end? And even if you say sure, they can end, people part ways, etc, etc. Does anyone ever fully put them to rest, "get over them," get over a person? I think again, I will reject the notion. After a bad breakup, or even a mutual one, the injection of that person into your life can never be erased, only come to peace with. But even after that has been "achieved," if it can be at all, and one could possible be satisfied, it's not over.

An excerpt- from this book:

"You tasted it. Isn't that enough? Of what do you ever get more than a taste? That's all we're given in life, that's all we're given of life. A Taste. There is no more."


Sad. I think, if true, quite sad. When does one feel most removed from life? When does one feel most themselves, or at least, in themselves? When there is something to pine for. When there is the desire ignited within you to pursue... and why, why should one be thankful to have wet the palate and then be denied satisfaction?

We deserve more. I want more. I intend to have more.

36 ( I think I'll even wonder, if you meant it at the time)

an undulating curve

i wish the softness of feeling could be conveyed through language.

but all the tender things that might be in my heart

never translate in the mind, let alone

make it out

the mouth.

and for fear of rejection

all the sweet nothings, that are true, remain nothings

and so i creep to the towers

and become a ghost

high, beyond reason

unattainable

incommunicative

unresponsive

more than that,

a perfectly composed pile of shit

look from afar and see a statue

bring with you binoculars

and see a figure

drowning in the contents

of themselves

ask why or how or what

and the lips will open

but all that will come out

astringent and strings of honey

thick with blood

enthusiastically

without tone

ask why or how or what

and the arms will reach out

the hands grabbing at yours

to engage you in a dance

twirling like dervishes

waltz, swing, flamenco

until you can't stand

and the statue

will harden again

bouncing back and forth

between mirage

and the ground you've tread on

i am stressed out a lot. im drawn and quartered between the best and the worst and the nothing and the everything. where's my center?

35 (I'll take some love from my heart to keep your body warm, You won't have cold feet, cold cold cold feet)

So I am in New Orleans now, looking for a job. Brianna and I have found an apartment, or half a shotgun rather, in the bywater. It is a really nice place and I'm excited to move in. We have no furniture though... which is sort of an issue. But it will come together eventually I think.

You know, having made the jump, I feel like I'm still falling. I don't really know how else to put it. At this point, I am waiting to find out about college for next year, waiting to submit a proposal for a job, waiting to start a life. I'm doing everything I can and it's hard to determine which direction I want to go in when I have the whole thing open to me. Money is an issue. I understand that. I feel like this is a start. to what? I don't know. My life has been in motion for a long time and I don't know..

I'm happy to be here. I'm glad I did this. I'm glad I left New York. I have no regrets and I want to see what will come into my space, my new space. I'm also glad I did this with Brianna as opposed to any other person. There is no "but". There is a question mark as to what will happen next.

It's very cold here, and I hate feeling chilled all the time. Heat is not a top priority in homes here, which is understandable. I am excited to have a kitchen of my own. I'm just sort of aching to put down roots I think. At the same time though, a year in one place is the longest I will have remained in the same living space for a long time now. I'm not afraid of that, but I just want to live it. And I suppose it takes living it to live it, if that makes sense, but I just want everything to come together. For having gotten here on the 30th of December it isn't like this has taken very long, to do everything we have.

It is not a cakewalk to find a job. At least not on craigslist haha... I need to put myself out there more and update my resume. I want to work on a house, or work with an organization. I have the feeling I can do some things. I think I can get something going. I want to see the world shift, I want to see impact. I want to be working with a hard-hitting place. I think this feels like a potential tipping point where something could happen. I want to see things happen and I hope for everyone I know who has the capacity to be a mover and a shaker that they can get grounded enough to do it. I want things to get better.

I didn't make any new year's resolutions. Maybe I should though. Any off the top of my head?

Finally get my fucking license

and learn to ride a bike

get a job

You know what? That's enough for right now with the resolutions and whatever. I think sometimes people just name goals, but there isn't any reason to tie them to a new year. I can do any of these things when I get serious, and it being 2010 doesn't change the level of my dedication to any of these things. However I do think there is some merit to the idea personally because I arrived in a new city in a new state right before the 1st of the year. Maybe it is important to make goals that pertain to this year at this time in this place. I'm not sure.

I think I should start doing art again. Coming down here and staying at Sarah's house, one of her roomates works in a print shop and the other is a conceptual artist. Everyone seems to try to have some creative outlet, and that is something I have not had for a long time. I really want to be as open as possible to everything and anything.

Ps. lets go JETS playoffffffssssss! tmw night oh yea. haha

34 (Come tomorrow tomorrow I'll be gone )

Tomorrow morning I will be on the road to New Orleans.

This month has been really hectic, I have been so busy. I went to Staten Island and saw the new house my parents are moving to, and then yesterday I was at their house on the upper west side. Last time I'll ever go to that building probably... crazy. Am I ready? As ready as I'll ever be.

The Jets beat the Colts, that was epic and I loved it.

I'm not feeling the posting right now but I suppose I should just ty to write a little bit. I have too much stuff though! and gahhh. ok whatever ill post in a few days.

33 (When the truth is found to be lies, and all of the joy within you dies..)

I haven't listened to that song in so long! I forgot how good it is. Currently I'm waiting for my politics class to begin... its the last one finally. I have a lot to do for the final on wednesday but until then I'm good. This morning was really a mixed bag, mostly bad. I left the house a little late and it was pouring. So I went into the deli and bought a 6 dollar umbrella, and then as i was crossing the street a car almost hit me. Not more than 3 seconds later a gust of wind came and literally snapped the metal handle of my umbrella. Not the top part, the stick that supports it. I was really unhappy. Then I had to wait for 25 minutes at 125th street. Sometimes I just hate this city.

But at least after french class I found out I'm looking at a high B or an A. That salvaged the morning sufficiently.

Also, I am leaving on the 29th of December to move to New Orleans. I am really excited.

A lot has happened since I last posted. Last weekend I went up to maine to visit my friends Paul and Ben. It was a little wild, and it snowed. All in all it was a good time. I also got a job last monday working as an assistant to this woman on the upper east side, and she might be the craziest person in the world. I am going to quit today haha. I realized I just dont have time to do this job and be invested in organizing her life when I have so much to plan in my own.

I also may be going to a Jet game on the 20th! That would be awesome, and I hope it happens. Ok the professor got here I will continue updating laterrr

32 (Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness But it's better than drinkin' alone)

IF I MEET YOU AND YOURE SEXIST ILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU UNTIL I KNOCK SOME SENSE IN THERE.

NO EXCEPTIONS.

So today I found a website that was in full support of chauvinism and talked openly and freely about how "men are better than women." Now, I'm not posting the url because I don't feel like the person who put it up deserves any more attention specifically. However the reason I bring this up is because of the recent popularity of books and movies about men, and their superiority over women. Take for example the movie "I hope the serve beer in hell"; that movie, though not as direct in its mission is still clearly promoting an agenda. To make men feel as though they may use women and treat them differently than they do men. American media (ie movies, books, websites) is perpetuating the notion that men generally have control over women, that women are easily subjugated and more importantly that men who have little or nothing to offer to society at large are still capable of "getting" women that our society deems attractive.

There are a few things I want to say about this point. First, some people (usually men who subscribe to these ideas) say that women base themselves on how attractive they are to men and how well they can please people. However no one seems to be interested in the fact that a patriarchal society -where women have Never (in all of this country's history) been given equal power as men- teaches women the values they should have and what is "normal." And what is normal in a patriarchal society? In the narrow sense the 50's idea of a housewife where the man controls the family and holds power over the wife and children, and in the larger more broad sense men hold power over women and children in society at large. In 2009, we have shed the narrow style of patriarchy and gone for the more broad and loose kind. This shift has somehow convinced people that we no longer live in a patriarchy, and that women are equal. This however is Not true. To state facts, women make less money than men do with equal education, there are social stigmas attatched to women of all kinds.

If you are attractive and sexually active, you are a slut.

If you are attractive and don't "put out", you are a bitch.

If you are unyielding and you don't try to please men, you are a bitch, ice queen.

If you are ugly, you have little worth.

If you have kids, you're just doing what "women should do"

and if you don't, you have some sort of issue.

If you are a feminist, you are a lesbian and hate men.

And finally the conundrum that somehow if you are getting ahead as a woman, other women dislike you.

Whoever you are, if you are a woman, you face a double bind. No matter what you do, you will fall on the double edged sword. Because the patriarchy is not overtly accepted as it used to be, people deny that it exists. But if you take the entertainment and media geared towards women, what does it consist of in America? Who are the people that young women look up to? Why?

Young women are shown models, unusually skinny and "beautiful" ideals that it is unlikely they will "live up to." Now, I could go into the speech of how it isn't natural and self-esteem and whatever else, but that is not the point. The point is that these are men's ideal women. Yes, they have become women's role models, because females have been force-fed an image that they need to succeed in the hetero-sexual patriarchal system. If you have large breasts, a small waist and a tight ass, men will like to look at you; they will want you around. And of course, hetero-women who desire men and who want it to be reciprocated are all the more willing to conform to the ideals. Now this is not to say that women cannot think for themselves. This is to say that the people in power are able to call the shots, which is exactly how things have been. Men, the "hunter-gather" sex, has been the powerful one solely because the intrinsic instinct to act violently is stronger with higher testosterone. And so, with the disposition to hurt other things in order to establish order and control has consistently put women in a subjugated position. Rather than respect, it has been out of fear of pain and the quest to avoid misfortune that women have allowed men the power they have.

This has clearly worked to the detriment of humankind though, because men and women have both allowed the female sex to become a caricature of what it should be. Women are sold on hair removal, breast augmentation, diets of all kinds, etc, while men are sold on muscle-milk and the like. How could "the fairer sex" not become even "fairer"? And how then if we accept what has been said to be true, can we not understand that perhaps women who do not subscribe to the heterosexual lifestyle also do not subscribe to the same standards of beauty?

So to understand the acceptance of patriarchy we can examine the issue of FGM (Female Genital Mutilation) within some places including Egypt and Sudan. These places generally have a narrow as well as broad style of patriarchy being practiced there. FGM is where either the clitoris or the entire external genitalia of a girl is cut off (usually by a daya or family member) at a young age to ensure purity. Sometimes the vagina is sewn partially or completely shut to ensure virginity as well. The procedure does nothing for the sex drive of the girl, but it is dangerous and sometimes fatal. Women have come to accept this as a normal process and carry it out on their own children. Why? Because men have demanded it of them and what awaits a woman if she does not comply is physical punishment. There is the mental and existential unrest. So in order to avoid that and save their children from other mutilation or harm, women have accepted this as a "good" thing to do; it is a preventative measure. Now then the argument of the strength of men may come into play- however when you look at the power of not only one man, but stones, or acid, or a mob, or perhaps the power of the courts or the state, it is no longer about individual or even average physical strength. It is about the SYSTEM in place. And the system in place sides with men.

Now, a further question; Why do women accept this then? Why is there not a revolution? Can equality be reached? Save the last question, the answer is not actually that complicated. It is complex, but certainly the concept is easy to grasp- in fact we have already touched upon it. People believe that we are equal, because of the non-narrow style, and because violence towards women is not openly accepted like it used to be when it was legal to beat women. Many people regard the word feminism as a bad thing, an insult. Why is this? Because the feminist movement has become a joke. The splintering of the movement and the loss of momentum and mainstream support has been a large cause in making it an unattractive thing to be associated with. Feminism is sometimes correlated with either homosexuality, the hatred of men, and/or the rejection of societal norms: bra-burning, acceptance of body hair, etc. All of these things that do not apply to the main point of the movement have become its defining factors. So women are afraid to belong to a group that furthers their own equality, and instead return to the sidelines where they are accepted in the hetero-structure. Simultaneously, the youth in America learn about inequality as a thing of the past. They learn from the public schools that racism, sexism, prejudice of all kinds have been dealt with. Regardless of the fact that the Civil Rights movement was passed less than 60 years ago. They learn that saying words like "bitch" or "cunt" or whatever else is not only acceptable (because of course it means nothing even though the tone and manner is consistently unfriendly and not well-meaning), but expected. If you do not conform to the patterns of speech practiced by your peers, you appear to be snobby, and uninformed. You will not fit in if you don't act the way everyone else does. People are overly optimistic about the way children and young adults think. Though peer pressure may not consist of "do it do do it or you aren't cool," it certainly does exist and is ubiquitous in the attitudes of youth- not to mention another major issue: Jokes.

It is always an attractive trait to make people laugh. It naturally makes people want to spend time with someone and hear what they have to say. Lots of sexist, racist, whatever-ist jokes come from people who agreed on something and told jokes at another groups expense. However, certainly from what I have seen, sexist jokes are commonly told to girls and by girls. This becomes an issue because while women are taught that they are not oppressed they are taught to laugh at their own plight. They are taught that the acceptable response to someone making light of injustice is to laugh it off- not only perpetuating the acceptance of being subjugated (and the continuance of the caricature of "femininity") but also making it exponentially more difficult for anyone trying to fight for equality, because no one takes them seriously. When people joke about issues that are current, they undermine the inertia of the movement. They make it impossible to get into the mainstream, because the dominant ideology is against them.

Another problem women face when it comes to inequality is the judgement and categorical way in which they are seen by men based on their sexuality and how much they "put out." It seems to me that since the invention of birth control, men in the patriarchy have been attempting to take that power away from women. Women, once impregnated cannot do nearly as much as before they were- and in wedlock they then depend completely on their husbands in many situations for support. They become the ultimate damsel-in-distress. Not only are they carrying the future lineage of the man (the child who will most likely take the man's last name as well) but the woman is also defenseless. She will become maternal and hormonal, irrational and at the mercy of the manipulative husband. I do not mean this in a negative way, in a lot of cases it can be perfectly fine (ex. when a pregnant woman is emotional because of hormones her husband can perhaps manipulate her mood into a more positive one).

Regardless, without birth control, the woman cannot be fully in control of her destiny. Women who use birth control are sometimes viewed as loose or promiscuous. In American public schools abstinence has been the go to educational curricula, and of course kids who decide to have sex will go ahead and do so. However women are at a disadvantage when it comes to a lack of knowledge. Men, though just as susceptible to STDs, can never become pregnant. Though pregnancy implies a financial burden on the male, it also does for the woman. She must then go through pre-natal care, child-birth, and everything that follows. Her pregnancy will undoubtedly gain her a reputation, be that in school or wherever else. Even grown married women face this in the workplace. Once pregnant they are assumed to either be done working, and if they do not then the quality of their work is assumed to go down and their movement upwards will be stunted because of the shift in priorities. And woe is upon the woman who choses to have an abortion! Even in this representative republic, the freedoms granted to those who wish only to harass others based on their beliefs is free to do so at their discretion. Women who reside in areas where abortion services are few and far between are likely to find one of the many "front" anti-choice organizations.

If a woman does decide to have a child and does so out of wedlock, without family support or perhaps without substantial finances behind her, she faces the federal support system. In our society this is scarce and many people who don't understand the way things work tend to look down their nose at people who need support. The stigma for single mothers on welfare or with food stamps is one that does not include compassion or empathy, but disdain and contempt. The "pull yourself up by your boot straps" concept is another highly mysoginistic and hypocritical notion. The idea that someone should be able to work themselves into success can never be fully realized by women or "minorities," because the playing field (so to speak) has not been equal, and still is not. So expectations for success cannot be the same, yet somehow this has been interpreted into the stereotyping that said groups are incapable of success, and more than that do not desire the mainstream ideals of American success. I digress. It is clear though that women are modern lepers once they become part of this group- they become undesirable for the male population. Single mothers come with not only financial and emotional burden, but they are not able to be viewed as sexual playthings any longer. They are tainted with not just a child, but also the physical evidence of another man.

Back to the initial point though- that men are afraid of women being sexually free. This may seem like an extreme statement, but look at the systems that the patriarchy holds closest to its core values: The ability to control birth control and abortion services by the FDA, along with vaccines available (ie the HPV vaccine that was held up by the FDA because it promoted "promiscuity," though its only ability is to prevent cervical cancer), but also the system of marriage. Women are not allowed to marry other women, they are only permitted to marry men. Of course the same is true for gay men, but the discussion is not about LGBT rights currently. Again, going back to the patriarchy where men generally are the more powerful people, they are the head of the nuclear family, they come to possess the woman. Though much has changed since the 1950's, there are still gender roles that most people unconciously abide by. The sexual structure for heterosexual people in America is highly hypocritical, which is well known. The commonly argued point that women who sleep with lots of men are considered "whores" or slutty" while men who sleep with lots of women are considered "players" and thus more desirable is obviously not "fair" or "equal". Why is it that the relation between the amount of sexual partners makes a woman inversely attractive as the number goes up? Because it means that she is not abiding to the ideal men have set out for her. She is trying to gain sexual satisfaction and she considers her own pleasure more important than that of men in general. A woman who sleeps with many men makes a man feel like a woman- unimportant, another notch on the belt. The ego of the man is the most important thing protected by patriarchy, and this is how a woman damages it- especially attractive women.

Men are not objectified the way that women are; they are half as likely to have eating disorders, (save obesity which is more of an American problem rather than a gender issue) and because they are on average paid more, they may not endure the same dealings as those who must because of necessity. (As in harsher or more complex criteria because of monetary needs). This is also because men cannot be judged physically the same way as women's. The chest of a man generally cannot be seen because of shirts and jackets and whatever else. However, the chest of a woman (which has been highly sexualized in our society) is visible regardless of most anything. The size of a woman's chest is a factor when it comes to determining how pleasing she is, and because of this if the woman does not have a big enough or whatever chest she is immediately judged. Of course if she does have the right size chest it is likely that that will be the focus, rather than her face, or her self in general. Men are able to hide because women cannot see the size of a mans dick. Not to be vulgar, but there really isn't a better way to say it. Women do not have the luxury of determining how sexually viable someone is nor can they judge someone if that person is inadequate, and thus is not in the position that men are in. With the creation of Girls Gone Wild and all of these things that encourage women to present themselves solely as sex objects, what can one expect from women in general? If the ideal for a man is so slim, how can women compete? They then are siphoned off into the vanity of capitalism. Sexism and capitalism work very well together, because of the market for new and unnecessary products, like make up. Cosmetic surgery, botox, girdles, push-up bras, all of these absurd things that have become common items everywhere. How can men complain and judge women when they are vain, when if they were not and did not accentuate all of their womanly features, they would become outcasts?

But the question now is... what happens next? Where do we start and where will we go from here? How do we get there?

I have gone off topic a lot maybe one day I'll come back and edit/add.

2 Months(ish)! Im getting REALLY impatient.

31 (20 Seconds til the last call, going "hey hey hey hey hey heyy")

I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY

I am SOOOOOOOOOO impatient!!!!! omg oyyyy vey i hate waiting. i need to work on that in a serious way. Potential plans are mulling in the pot and i am watching it waiting for it to boil. its really rough right now and i have a meeting with the director on wednsday and im telling him im leaving. I cant wait for december and january. its so far! hopefully itll go by fast and I can hustle on out of here. i need a job though. neeed! i want to go dancing or something i need to blow off steam. i literally did nothing this weekend.

ive been running my mouth about changing the world lately. I think I need to calm down and plan stuff out but its hard and there are lots of questions and issues to sift through before success can be attained. I feel super ADD right now though. I had a really nice dinner with my sister and we talked about a lot of things, family things. But not current affairs it was more relaxed and explorative. if thats a word. spell check isnt correcting it so maybe it is. Who knows?? I need to get a grip cause im freakin outtttt!!!!

jury duty on tues :((( lame.

30 (What Might've Been lost, don't bother me)

So I'm having out with it. I am leaving new york again. Lehman is not the place for me and I am being suffocated by the school and the living environment. I am speaking to my father about it tomorrow. I have a feeling things will not go well. So I wrote him a little essay to explain myself.

Either way I know something is missing in my life. Well there are a lot of things that are missing, and moving back to New Orleans and really taking the time to situate myself will help a lot, but I think I'm missing something that can't be filled by this change.

That thing is real companionship. I feel lately like I'm kind of in a funk, I can't communicate or something. I'm not feeling like anyone is on the same page as me, even though in a lot of ways I'm finally getting on the same wavelength with people who have great ambitions. I suppose what I'm saying is I feel lonely. That's not pleasant to say, especially on a public blog. But it's the truth. I need a friend.. and I have friends its just that none live around me, none see me on a regular basis. And not to sound depressed or fishing for anything but sometimes I wonder how much people really care about me- or anyone else for that matter. I know my family loves me and I love them too, thats not what I'm talking about though. Oh psh this is a stupid post. Sorry for the like 2 people who read this if you were checking.

But I can begin the countdown! 2 and a half months!! =)

29 ( Put a candle in the window, cause I feel I gotta move, but I'll be coming home soon, Long as I can see The Light))

Today is Yom Kippur. For those who don't know, it is the day of atonement.

I am sorry for the harsh things I have said, here or anywhere. 

I will not go through the many things I am sorry for but I will say that all I want, and the only path I have ever wanted to be on is Tikkun Olam. I just want to be able to stay on track and to be able to find he strength to carry out my part, and not be dissuaded by anything or anyone. 

Of course, no one is perfect and I have a lot to work on. This year, and this life, will hopefully be enough for something at all to happen. 

I need people to find the courage to understand and accept what I am doing with my life, and I need  to be unyielding in my attempts.