I have been thinking a lot about my mental state recently. And my mental state throughout these past 11/12 months. I have been stressed out a lot. And anxious. Not about or because of anything specific sometimes, I realize that it has been largely just my way of processing the change in my behavior and life thus far. I have dealt with anger for a long time in my life and I have, in the past 2 or so years, gotten great control over it. I'm proud of that, I enjoy it, but I do think a byproduct of not expressing and/or redirecting anger makes me stressed out. I'm also tired.
I know moving back to New York holds a lot of opporunity, there's a lot there I can take advantage of. I am looking forward to having more privacy as well... but I'm also afraid of how easy it is to do nothing so much of the time when no one else is there to keep you in check. I just am a bit wary of the way things will start out- I don't really have too many, if any, friend in New York, I don't know how much energy I have to put into meeting people and trying to cultivate relationships at this point due to the state that I'm in, and have been in....
I'm not being negative here. I'm saying these things because I have been thinking about them, not because I need help dealing with them. I don't want anyone who reads this to think "oh, she should blahblah," or "do this, or do that, lalala,"
It will work out, because I will make it work out no matter what. That is not the concern. The concern is
I don't know- this is the issue though- if there is no issue, whats the problem? Blah!
Anyway, I may start journaling to keep track of stressors. Today, even though it was a great day, I find myself feeling not so great. I'm leaving New Orleans soon, in about a week, and I don't know when I'll get to come back next. Today was a great reminder of many of the things I love about this city and it makes me reluctant to leave. However the volunteering, as I may have said before, is a bit more thankless than my last experience down here. I still can't gauge the group dynamic and though I like each person individually, I find some things out of sync for me in the daily life regardless. I don't know if I've formed or found anything worth remembering this time either. I don't feel as though any one connection is special, although I wish it were. I suppose I just feel out of touch right now. And even if things somehow panned out this week and I randomly got close to one person or something, I would just be leaving anyway.
There is one guy who arrived yesterday who I really enjoy talking to though. His name is Travis and he is from North Carolina. There are others too, who I enjoy listening to and speaking to- like Joe, and Jacob too. I hope I get to see what these people do with themselves in the next couple years. My computer is dying. I hope that I can find a camera for tomorrow, and I hope I cna unfortunately get out of working with Darren.
