50( somethings gotta change, it must be rearranged)

there is no respite

49 (if its not like the movies, thats how it should be)

who am i

who am i

who am i

i am

closer, further, curated

poised, confused, uncontrolled

i am not

who i think i am

who i was

who i will be

_________________________________

the world keeps spinning. today my throat is burning, and my mind is blank. just like most other days. sometimes though, things gel at the same time as others fall apart.

yet again, i dont even know anything. its strange to realize that i live in a constant state of insecurity. the things i want, there are few. the things i dont want, i gravitate towards. the things i have, i clench tightly. sometimes i throw them away though.

i need to change myself. in a real way. i really dont know anymore. you know, in some ways i thought it wasn't me. but now i think its internal. like i just think maybe what is untenable is internal. its time again. ive been here before, and its time to shift the cycle again.

__________________________________

ive been collecting pennies

scraping the rust into my bowl of lonliness

to fill it with a million of the same face

ive been collecting quarters

so maybe all my lies will be discarded

with the fractals

that have been rubbed together

between the index and thumb pads

ive been collecting dimes. nickels.

like sand, they coat the floor of my apartment

so that every dawn

i can get up and walk through the past, and change.

i am a brute. jawing always at my weaknesses. daring you to humiliate me.

will you?

will you?

48 (what have you done today to make you feel proud?)

so the last time i posted was a while ago, i know. i am back in the bronx now, redoing my apartment. painting the walls white and the furniture red. it looks very good thus far, and im excited about it becoming my space again.

im kind of in a weird place though, honestly. im not feeling productive. i feel barely lucid sometimes. i think its a lack of structure. i got back into college and will be resuming come january though. id like to find a job too, and start writing again.

sometimes it just seems difficult to self reflect. theres a block in the thinking, where my brain is enveloped in lethargy. i feel like an egg shell thats filled with dark matter and fat. does that sound bad? haha, whatever. its hard to describe. every day i want to be better, to change, to be proud of myself. and here i am getting myself stuck in the past and repeating unproductive patterns.

i want to be inspired and find new and good things, but im not looking. i need to overcome this laziness. i have yet to decompress. i need to come to terms with who i am, and find out who that is. i need to renew myself and my commitment to my goals. this feels like a roadblock, but maybe its just a speedbump. yea. before i can move forward i need to get grounded again.

i want to have fun, and do well. i can. and i will. and i am going to start writing again. no more boring vague posts without substance. and im going to start baking and expanding my life. i feel good. i have a dentist appointment tomorrrrrroowwwww :( haha not looking forward to that.

47 (I felt you in my legs before i even met you, i felt you in my life before i ever thought to)

so another year, another yom kippur. i have not been posting, i know. i have almost posted a few times. maybe ill eventually post those drafts. its been a difficult time for me these past weeks. a really difficult time. i got really lost. im on my way back to an okay place now. aside from the things i have had to not feel good about, i have also had a lot to apologize for. like last year, i dont don't think it's necessary to get into specifics, god knows there's enough to max out the amount i can write in this text box.

im sorry.

looking back on last years yom kippur entry, i know that i have done good things in the past 365 days. i have worked to make the world a better place. i hope that i can regain the strength to do that through another vehicle, and maintain it.

i am sorry for becoming jaded and skeptical. i am sorry for becoming lax with how i live my life and treat myself and those around me. i am sorry for all of the unnecessary harshness i have brought into the world and i hope that somehow i can make up for it with love.

i want to be written into "the book of life" this year. not because i feel i am deserving it or i want the goodness for myself, but because i need to be better. this version of myself, as good in comparison to years ago as it is, isn't good enough. it takes a long time but i need to change. i need to learn more and be better. i need to make the world better than it is.

my ego can do with some more bruises. actually thats not the case. i could be more humble of course, but i need to repair my self esteem. i need to strip the layers of my frailty away and come out of this fragile state. i am much more capable than this, and i need to do what needs to be done.

i apologize to everyone who has had to endure all of my indiscretions, complaints, doubt. i am sorry for people who have had to tolerate my shortcomings and cover my failures. i appreciate all of them though i cannot even identify them all.

i have been focused on my goals. to the point that i have lost site in some ways of the larger picture. i am sorry for focusing on myself without as much consideration for other people. i am sorry to those people who have been given the brush off by me for the sake of my intentions.

my journey to find love in this life, not romantic but real love, for myself and for the world with all its hardness, for everything, infinite love, has been hard and long. i am not there yet, but every day is a practice and reminder of how to love and be love. that is not a typo. i cant forget how fortunate i am to have this life the way it is, no matter how it is. i just have to work at it more.

back to bleeding the stone...

46 ( What do you do with the left over you And how do you know, when to let go)

I have settled into living alone at Brianna and my place. My kittens are terrorists. They are the loudest fattest little crazies who have ever lived and they will eat everything i've ever bought. They have been fixed but somehow they seem not to know. After flooding my bathroom, which seemed like the ultimate ridiculousness, they still seem to go above and beyond reckless. Delicate little 4 month old babies are ruining my sleep.

Ambien also makes you walk like a drunk person if you stay up to long after taking it. I dyed my hair, it's dark brown. I also got new glasses. Self-overhaul? Hardly. The Americorps team is leaving monday after 6 weeks of work... or 5, i dont know. I have not yet joined a gym. A friend told me there's free yoga tonight but I'm not going to make it because I can't get a ride home from work yet and i refuse to take the bus today. Work has been a bit crazy lately, in the sense that I seem to be forgetting a lot and then scurrying to get it done before all goes to hell. We were also looking at a closing on some clients really soon, but now that may not be true. I can't get a hold of people I need to speak with... needless to say I am a tad frustrated. We repainted my office. It is now a lime green. I'm a fan., though it doesn't seem all that different to me.

Everything is going swimmingly on the whole though. I have learned how to ride a bike! I have also fallen a number of times, something I was afraid of, yet confident in its occurrence. My legs are bruised and my arms are tired. The last time I rode was Monday night... perhaps this weekend I will take it out for a spin again. I'm pretty shaky on it still, but the only way to get better is to keep working at it.

I've also been trying to play pool more in order to not suck so much at it... that seems to be going slower than the bike riding though haha, even though there's nothing to be afraid of there.

I have also planned a vacation week next month, when I will be going to see my grandparents and parents and sister. I'm very excited about this.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about where I'm at (5 weeks after my last post... shocking haha).I have a great job where I learn a lot and I get a lot of experience. Somehow though, almost 8 months into living here, I am still apprehensive about settling down completely. I miss new york. I am lucky.

I have settled into living alone at Brianna and my place. My kittens are terrorists. They are the loudest fattest little crazies who have ever lived and they will eat everything i've ever bought. They have been fixed but somehow they seem not to know. After flooding my bathroom, which seemed like the ultimate ridiculousness, they still seem to go above and beyond reckless. Delicate little 4 month old babies are ruining my sleep.

Ambien also makes you walk like a drunk person if you stay up to long after taking it. I dyed my hair, it's dark brown. I also got new glasses. Self-overhaul? Hardly. The Americorps team is leaving monday after 6 weeks of work... or 5, i dont know. I have not yet joined a gym. A friend told me there's free yoga tonight but I'm not going to make it because I can't get a ride home from work yet and i refuse to take the bus today. Work has been a bit crazy lately, in the sense that I seem to be forgetting a lot and then scurrying to get it done before all goes to hell. We were also looking at a closing on some clients really soon, but now that may not be true. I can't get a hold of people I need to speak with... needless to say I am a tad frustrated. We repainted my office. It is now a lime green. I'm a fan., though it doesn't seem all that different to me.

Everything is going swimmingly on the whole though. I have learned how to ride a bike! I have also fallen a number of times, something I was afraid of, yet confident in its occurrence. My legs are bruised and my arms are tired. The last time I rode was Monday night... perhaps this weekend I will take it out for a spin again. I'm pretty shaky on it still, but the only way to get better is to keep working at it.

I've also been trying to play pool more in order to not suck so much at it... that seems to be going slower than the bike riding though haha, even though there's nothing to be afraid of there.

I have also planned a vacation week next month, when I will be going to see my grandparents and parents and sister. I'm very excited about this.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about where I'm at (5 weeks after my last post... shocking haha).I have a great job where I learn a lot and I get a lot of experience. Somehow though, almost 8 months into living here, I am still apprehensive about settling down completely. I miss new york. I am lucky.

I also saw a great band last night... they play every other thursday. I'm going to get some info on them and post it for all 2 of you.

45 ( people you've been before that you don't want around anymore that push and shove and won't bend to your will I'll keep them still)

Again and again

I long for the talent and creativity

to write a poem.

What is more beautiful than a poem?

What is more miraculous than when a mere person can find the words

to illustrate a moment- a feeling

to color the world with a memory or fantasy

so real that you can taste it?

The sadness, the pointed resilience

or romance

found in music

is intrinsic to its nature;

to isolate the senses, and solely hear...

we feel the rest: we know the rest

But poetry...

Language is incompetent

the reasons why are unimportant;

but in how many places in life are we lacking words?

From expressing the deepest of sorrows to the most intense love

we cannot form the thought into coherant translations

those fair few

who can manipulate the tongue

to speak to the depths of our minds

those fair few

have tapped into the collective soul

to amaze us all..

I am sitting on a mattress with no sheet on it in a room with no furniture in it. The light in this room is dimmer than most others.

I am a schmo. I work like a maniac and haven't been sleeping well. However I had a meeting today with one of our partner agencies, an administrative one, and they were complimenting me and our organization quite a bit. I must say I felt really validated. By them. Another staff member was there and she said she would tell my boss... That was nice. Then I went to another meeting and then I moved 85% of all my shit back into Brianna's house. I had moved out, if I didn't say that before. I moved out may 1st. before june 1st i began my plans to move back in. finally its happening. i am wearing dirty clothing and haven't yet showered. Brianna is moving back to New York on Friday morning. My kittens have a vet appointment on Thursday morning... they have fleas, and there is a group of 24 youth coming to work with us tomorrow morning and the organization running the program that hired them is the biggest shit show I have ever seen. Those people have had me stressed bad... not to mention I have a serious deadline coming up next thursday and I am nervous.

But at least the world isn't cracking up. Or maybe it is. The air here is suffocating and the heat is oppressive. It storms daily, which is generally the high point of my day when it's coolest and the least humid. For some reason, last summer seems to be much less hot than it was. We also have barely any long termers. We have an americorps team, I like them all, but I can tell there may be some difficulty with agism. I only know 3 of their names. Maybe they aren't to blame. I am achey and I haven't gotten my licsense yet. Maybe I will join a gym, for the millionth time. Moving costs a lot of money. I dream about strange things, and I wake up feeling like I did falling asleep- like I just need rest.

Sometimes I wish that everyone would want to read and follow this blog. And then I think about it and I wish that no one read this blog at all. I don't know what I want or where I'm at, let alone where I'm going. I'll tell you this though, I'm on my way.

hear me,

raging in my crusades

rumbling forht like nightfall

when you wish the day would last

with my cross to bear

i bare all

there are no nails in my palms

only psalms of sadness

feel me

when my skin burns right through yours

and the fever of my need

binds your blood to my veins

this is my cross to bare

44 (You will believe in love...)

I am tired of empty words and continuing a discussion that doesn't go anywhere or mean anything.

I am tired of sleeping restlessly and waking up in a world of dreams, narrow and misguided.

Nest. Nest. Nest. Nest.

I would like to waltz in french and dip you in a lavender dress.

I would like to wake up in a haze of heat and light, with drops of dew as the sole clarity in the world. What earth would be in the summer, if all the moss would overgrow my conscious self.

If all the stringent blood and acerbic words would take a moment to swirl up in a cloud of imagination, if all the awkward scenes would fast forward... so fast that the world would be one of haze and heat.

the sun would ripple the streets

there i would be

peeling at the edges

strip off every layer and find there is a cloud

vapors, water

a mist dissolved

all my thoughts are only a breath

the thick coating of experience

on my tongue

high blades of grass

fingernails with a thin crust of mud

making dimples in the ground

i can hide here, in the meadows un-mowed.

let the body be

enveloped

once the skin and bone have pared

a light will escape

brighter than the sun

the quiet of an eternal moments imagination

stretched with longing

summer lasts forever

43 (I've gone crazy, couldn't you tell. I threw stones at the stars but the whole sky fell)

i don't know what i am doing at all and i don't know why i don't know because i think

i know some things but i suppose i am wrong in thinking that i know anything. i don't know anything and i don't know why. and i don't know why i thought i knew anything, and i don't know where the knowledge i thought i had came from.

who knows what i know? what i know is nothing to know. there is nothing to know.

so if there is a need to know basis there is nothing to say. what is it that i thought i knew? i don't even know what i thought i knew. i just know that whatever i thought i knew was either wrong or i didn't actually know it.

i want to cut off my lips and run in the grass

i want to cut off my clothes and roll in the dirt

i want to tear off my skins and lick my teeth

i can only hear the ringing in my ears

and i can only taste the blood

from the heart i've torn and chewed

like cud

______________________________________________________________________________

i am a painter of dreams

i am a writer of light

my eyelids

are heavier than

2 bricks

______________________________________________________________________________

sad sold sentiments

in my pocket

fuck this.

who can say what i what i

i have nothing new to say.

the art of the stringing of words

like beads

to create the most beautiful

intricate necklace...

my fingers are paralyzed

crammed down my throat

and over my eyes

who could ever know that all i could think about

is everything

and you, you, random and worthless

are my recurring dream

and the rest of you

fester/s/ in the stomach

wrestling, flailing, in the bile

and unbeknownst to you

caught in the rip tides of my acid

you will be burned alive by my insides

my stomach, my stomach

clenching around you

churning

how do i purge?

running nauseous and blind

my nails are scraping

the soft insides of my throat

where i long only for sweet melodies to escape

42 (Everything I say she takes to heart. Everything she takes she takes apart)

there was no token of your feelings

there were no good times

to remember

like a fish

i was at the end of your line

one of many cast out from your ship

you never even put me in a bucket of water with the others

you played like a child

thrusting me forth from the sea

to flail and gasp

plunging me back in

to drown in my own waves

for you

it was only a game

perhaps you thought

the fallout would be minimal

but i have whiplash

and there are scales missing

one above my right eye

that one was my dignity

one at the edge of my tail

that one was the lie

the five that surrounded the rip in my face

those were my pride, my idealism,

my trust, longing, love.

my scales will regrow

but forever there will remain scar tissue

from your harmless game.

the game ended

when i opened my mouth to show you

the broken skin

the missing bits

don't turn away and hide from me,

i am but a fish

flapping in your hand

so throw me

and i will swim away

41 (the sweetest thing ive ever known, is the kiss on a collar bone)

to reignite the flame of desire

is to reignite the passionate anguish

in which you lose yourself

and allow the brain to

fire sinapses

that bridge

all your neurosis

to rejection

and everything that

comes out of your mouth

though thought on for far too long

still isn't right

and still makes no sense

and of course

because you are so full of desire

everything anyone says

must

have some other meaning

and your obsessions fester

pining

poisonous

helpless you are

to keep yourself from feeling what you do...

how long has it been?

never to long to resume a game of cat and mouse

but when we are both cats, we turn into pussies

and we are both mice, well,

we are both mice.

playful banter has never been so violent

loaded

and no longer an elephant in the room,

it's just a sore subject

that we choose to abstract

so that not only do we get to honestly fuck around,

we both get to climb back into the clouds and float away

not a single moment

where there is touch

even when the hearts get spilled

and the teeth gnash in attempts to hold back vocalizing

the answers to questions asked

regardless of our shared knowledge..

you know, that i know, that you know, that i know, that you know,

That,

you know...

40 (Ever since he can remember, people have died in his good name...theres one thing that he's sure of, this has been going on too long)

I have been listening to sooo much Lily Allen. I really like her. My job has relaxed its grip on me a little, and I feel okay about how things are going. Still wary and still not comfortable, but not fearful all the time, haha.

I adopted two kittens on Monday, and I think it was a good idea. I only wanted one. but whatever. They are crazy right now. I have moved in with Alex onto to a few blocks from where I lived before. He likes the kittens. My room has two walls that are all window, but it doesn't have great air circulation. The apartment is cute. But I still wish I lived alone.

Eryn left on Tuesday morning. But she is coming back in August. It's been a long time since I have gotten that close to someone that quickly.

I forgot to post that all, and now I am adding onto it at this late hour on a Sunday. My weekend has been bizarre and not great.

I feel as though not much has remained in my head that enters into in, at least not for a week or so. I think that I might be mentally unhinging myself in some ways.

I feel cold. In the sense that my heart is closed. and I feel little, if any, affection for most people currently. I'd make a list of people who I love, but I fear that not only would I forget someone, at least one, but it would also be offensive to anyone not on it. It's not worth the thought or effort or embarrassment to post.

I was going to go to sleep an hour ago. I've spent the majority of the weekend in bed. watching Oz. or Buffy. Or nothing. This guy I dated in New York for a little more than a month back in December came down to visit me. I think his reasons were off and I think he realized here, in my territory (so to speak), I am not the person he thought I was. I had always been a temporary installation in his space, a quiet addition. I am not an addition. So that's on its way out.

We had a fine time though. Everything I've said and done feels like a long time ago.

When was the last time I have felt?

Felt for you?

Felt you?

When is the next time I will feel?

Feel for you?

For anyone?

Round, though it is,

there is a point

so tiny at the end

smaller

than the tip

of a Pencil.

Circular, spiraling

downward

towards the end

and at the point

look back up

will you see

the journey?

The long and winding road that took us

from there

to here.

Here... Here where we are. At the point.

The point when we have come Full Circle.

The point where hindsight is 20/20

The point that is smaller than the tip of a pencil

We have been tripping towards the bottom, ever since the top.

The tip. The point.

The point at which we will see it all.

The point at which we will part ways.

39 (left me saying nothin, nothin, like i always say)

So I know I haven't written in a bit. My life has been winding down a crazy road and everything is hard, but it's still beautiful.

Things are breaking every day. I am breaking under the weight of my thoughts every moment. And yet I am standing upright all the time. I am Sami Weak Walls. I might crumble.

I got a job. I work at the rebuild organization now, but in the office. No more finish carpentry or any other carpentry on a regular basis for me anymore. Now I am a case manager for TSA clients, but that will be done within a month or so because the money's out. I'm also working on another grant project with the rest of the staff. My roommate, pregnant, and almost into her fifth month, is doing fine. Her boyfriend is doing fine too. He is doing fine in the room next to mine. He is employed... going to New York to pick up his pitbull this weekend and bringing it back here on the 22nd.

In other news, I am apartment hunting. I am ideally looking for a one bedroom or studio. I may have to forfeit and live with Alex. I didn't want to live with a guy. However I suppose if we had interior doors (unlike in this house) maybe it wouldn't be an imposition.

Now that I am confined in large part to a computer, I have thought about my femininity. I have worn dresses to work. I go to meetings sometimes. I have thought about getting my nails done.

I dyed my hair blond on Friday.

I have been under extreme stress in the past few weeks, and I have largely been failing to deal with it. I am really sad that Eric will be leaving soon. I hate losing people. lower nine is sometimes a bubble and when people you love leave, its like its popped. Quickly it grows back, but they've died in a way. I kid around all the time about "friend village", but not so secretly, I wish it could be real.

I am so full. so full. and yet...

I have found a new love. a new artist to love. his name is gregory alan isakov. his music is so nice and sad and pretty.

I have been indulging in deep conversation lately. I say indulging because I have not hesitated to get personal with a number of folks and I don't know how I think about that. I think mostly I like it, I've not made a mistake in being loose with my words. But I do feel perhaps I am doing this because I have not dealt internally with some things and so I need to speak about them. It's like emotional torrets.

This is another reason I'd like to live alone. To play my own music and to write and read and think out loud and decorate and be alone and be in my own head. control my space. have privacy. I am severly lacking in that right now.

i know nothing

now, nothing

now, nothing

no, no thing

no, no

know, no

i know, no

pour me a glass of port

poor me, poor me

a glass, a lass...

alas..

38 (Your mother and I are both feeling bad, but things will get better, they won't stay this sad)

A List of Things to Do... Tomorrow:

1. Call Darryl
2. Mail Check
3. Open bank account?
4. Check on Passport
5. Ride my new bike??
6. Practice Driving
7. Call my dad
8. Buy envelopes/stamps
9. Get new charger
10. Return movies
11. Work Out!
12. Brainstorm on writing project
13. Read Whiteout
14. Start playing with charcoals
15. Research jobs



Clean skin, laced with ink
and hair
golden in the light
darker in the wind
bare legs
feet covered by shoes
too big to ignore
but unseen in the blackout
arms crossed
in the store
candles lit and listening to the whispers of the rain
the clashing of thunder
rapping on the roof
begging to be let in
we stand in silence
flickering lights, ATM
a moment of dyslexia- MTA
and homesickness for an instant
flickering lights
on the C train late at night
from New to New,
will it ever get old?
Me, the migrant
Me, in a city so small
in a world so large
Here, I am reminded of roots
paths cross again, with years or more apart
one is silver, the other is gold
everyone lit and plated with their
armor
amour... j'adore..
je t'adore, je suis fatigue et je veux un moment de silence.
Le silence pendant que le tonnerre frappe
mendier laisse entrer
Moi, dans une ville si petit
dans un monde si grand
avec la peau propre et les grandes chaussures
mendier laisse entrer

37 (We're in the swim, sinking in time, until finally we drown and go)

Here I sit. smoke pressed between my lips. in louisiana. ive just finished The Dying Animal, by Philip Roth. The writing is exquisite. The story is perverse and tender. And now I wonder..


Must everything I write be composed to the point of perfection? Must I write solely to articulate every poignant thought in my mind, and everything be my masterpiece? For if the answer is no, and the art of expression merely something to indulge in, rather than pursue relentlessly, I think that I may perish at the thought of it. Perhaps then, regardless of the answer at large, the answer for me must remain Yes. How good it feels to say Yes. When the answer is Yes, I have been given the go-ahead. When the answer is no...there is rejection in it. Not always a bad rejection, but the pregnancy of the moment is aborted with a No. New directions to turn in, sure. But the pursuit, it has ended.

Which brings me to a new question. Not new, renewed. When does the beginning start? Is there a beginning before the beginning? And if there is no identifiable "Beginning" to any one thing, or anything at all, is there such a thing as an end? I think, No. No. I have rejected the concept of an End. There is no end. To anything. Only redirection, evasion, but it persists. What persists? IT. Whatever IT is.

And with that then, I must ponder, in the realm of relationships between people, me, you, you or you, any of you, can they end? And even if you say sure, they can end, people part ways, etc, etc. Does anyone ever fully put them to rest, "get over them," get over a person? I think again, I will reject the notion. After a bad breakup, or even a mutual one, the injection of that person into your life can never be erased, only come to peace with. But even after that has been "achieved," if it can be at all, and one could possible be satisfied, it's not over.

An excerpt- from this book:

"You tasted it. Isn't that enough? Of what do you ever get more than a taste? That's all we're given in life, that's all we're given of life. A Taste. There is no more."


Sad. I think, if true, quite sad. When does one feel most removed from life? When does one feel most themselves, or at least, in themselves? When there is something to pine for. When there is the desire ignited within you to pursue... and why, why should one be thankful to have wet the palate and then be denied satisfaction?

We deserve more. I want more. I intend to have more.

36 ( I think I'll even wonder, if you meant it at the time)

an undulating curve

i wish the softness of feeling could be conveyed through language.

but all the tender things that might be in my heart

never translate in the mind, let alone

make it out

the mouth.

and for fear of rejection

all the sweet nothings, that are true, remain nothings

and so i creep to the towers

and become a ghost

high, beyond reason

unattainable

incommunicative

unresponsive

more than that,

a perfectly composed pile of shit

look from afar and see a statue

bring with you binoculars

and see a figure

drowning in the contents

of themselves

ask why or how or what

and the lips will open

but all that will come out

astringent and strings of honey

thick with blood

enthusiastically

without tone

ask why or how or what

and the arms will reach out

the hands grabbing at yours

to engage you in a dance

twirling like dervishes

waltz, swing, flamenco

until you can't stand

and the statue

will harden again

bouncing back and forth

between mirage

and the ground you've tread on

i am stressed out a lot. im drawn and quartered between the best and the worst and the nothing and the everything. where's my center?

35 (I'll take some love from my heart to keep your body warm, You won't have cold feet, cold cold cold feet)

So I am in New Orleans now, looking for a job. Brianna and I have found an apartment, or half a shotgun rather, in the bywater. It is a really nice place and I'm excited to move in. We have no furniture though... which is sort of an issue. But it will come together eventually I think.

You know, having made the jump, I feel like I'm still falling. I don't really know how else to put it. At this point, I am waiting to find out about college for next year, waiting to submit a proposal for a job, waiting to start a life. I'm doing everything I can and it's hard to determine which direction I want to go in when I have the whole thing open to me. Money is an issue. I understand that. I feel like this is a start. to what? I don't know. My life has been in motion for a long time and I don't know..

I'm happy to be here. I'm glad I did this. I'm glad I left New York. I have no regrets and I want to see what will come into my space, my new space. I'm also glad I did this with Brianna as opposed to any other person. There is no "but". There is a question mark as to what will happen next.

It's very cold here, and I hate feeling chilled all the time. Heat is not a top priority in homes here, which is understandable. I am excited to have a kitchen of my own. I'm just sort of aching to put down roots I think. At the same time though, a year in one place is the longest I will have remained in the same living space for a long time now. I'm not afraid of that, but I just want to live it. And I suppose it takes living it to live it, if that makes sense, but I just want everything to come together. For having gotten here on the 30th of December it isn't like this has taken very long, to do everything we have.

It is not a cakewalk to find a job. At least not on craigslist haha... I need to put myself out there more and update my resume. I want to work on a house, or work with an organization. I have the feeling I can do some things. I think I can get something going. I want to see the world shift, I want to see impact. I want to be working with a hard-hitting place. I think this feels like a potential tipping point where something could happen. I want to see things happen and I hope for everyone I know who has the capacity to be a mover and a shaker that they can get grounded enough to do it. I want things to get better.

I didn't make any new year's resolutions. Maybe I should though. Any off the top of my head?

Finally get my fucking license

and learn to ride a bike

get a job

You know what? That's enough for right now with the resolutions and whatever. I think sometimes people just name goals, but there isn't any reason to tie them to a new year. I can do any of these things when I get serious, and it being 2010 doesn't change the level of my dedication to any of these things. However I do think there is some merit to the idea personally because I arrived in a new city in a new state right before the 1st of the year. Maybe it is important to make goals that pertain to this year at this time in this place. I'm not sure.

I think I should start doing art again. Coming down here and staying at Sarah's house, one of her roomates works in a print shop and the other is a conceptual artist. Everyone seems to try to have some creative outlet, and that is something I have not had for a long time. I really want to be as open as possible to everything and anything.

Ps. lets go JETS playoffffffssssss! tmw night oh yea. haha