45 ( people you've been before that you don't want around anymore that push and shove and won't bend to your will I'll keep them still)

Again and again

I long for the talent and creativity

to write a poem.

What is more beautiful than a poem?

What is more miraculous than when a mere person can find the words

to illustrate a moment- a feeling

to color the world with a memory or fantasy

so real that you can taste it?

The sadness, the pointed resilience

or romance

found in music

is intrinsic to its nature;

to isolate the senses, and solely hear...

we feel the rest: we know the rest

But poetry...

Language is incompetent

the reasons why are unimportant;

but in how many places in life are we lacking words?

From expressing the deepest of sorrows to the most intense love

we cannot form the thought into coherant translations

those fair few

who can manipulate the tongue

to speak to the depths of our minds

those fair few

have tapped into the collective soul

to amaze us all..

I am sitting on a mattress with no sheet on it in a room with no furniture in it. The light in this room is dimmer than most others.

I am a schmo. I work like a maniac and haven't been sleeping well. However I had a meeting today with one of our partner agencies, an administrative one, and they were complimenting me and our organization quite a bit. I must say I felt really validated. By them. Another staff member was there and she said she would tell my boss... That was nice. Then I went to another meeting and then I moved 85% of all my shit back into Brianna's house. I had moved out, if I didn't say that before. I moved out may 1st. before june 1st i began my plans to move back in. finally its happening. i am wearing dirty clothing and haven't yet showered. Brianna is moving back to New York on Friday morning. My kittens have a vet appointment on Thursday morning... they have fleas, and there is a group of 24 youth coming to work with us tomorrow morning and the organization running the program that hired them is the biggest shit show I have ever seen. Those people have had me stressed bad... not to mention I have a serious deadline coming up next thursday and I am nervous.

But at least the world isn't cracking up. Or maybe it is. The air here is suffocating and the heat is oppressive. It storms daily, which is generally the high point of my day when it's coolest and the least humid. For some reason, last summer seems to be much less hot than it was. We also have barely any long termers. We have an americorps team, I like them all, but I can tell there may be some difficulty with agism. I only know 3 of their names. Maybe they aren't to blame. I am achey and I haven't gotten my licsense yet. Maybe I will join a gym, for the millionth time. Moving costs a lot of money. I dream about strange things, and I wake up feeling like I did falling asleep- like I just need rest.

Sometimes I wish that everyone would want to read and follow this blog. And then I think about it and I wish that no one read this blog at all. I don't know what I want or where I'm at, let alone where I'm going. I'll tell you this though, I'm on my way.

hear me,

raging in my crusades

rumbling forht like nightfall

when you wish the day would last

with my cross to bear

i bare all

there are no nails in my palms

only psalms of sadness

feel me

when my skin burns right through yours

and the fever of my need

binds your blood to my veins

this is my cross to bare