39 (left me saying nothin, nothin, like i always say)

So I know I haven't written in a bit. My life has been winding down a crazy road and everything is hard, but it's still beautiful.

Things are breaking every day. I am breaking under the weight of my thoughts every moment. And yet I am standing upright all the time. I am Sami Weak Walls. I might crumble.

I got a job. I work at the rebuild organization now, but in the office. No more finish carpentry or any other carpentry on a regular basis for me anymore. Now I am a case manager for TSA clients, but that will be done within a month or so because the money's out. I'm also working on another grant project with the rest of the staff. My roommate, pregnant, and almost into her fifth month, is doing fine. Her boyfriend is doing fine too. He is doing fine in the room next to mine. He is employed... going to New York to pick up his pitbull this weekend and bringing it back here on the 22nd.

In other news, I am apartment hunting. I am ideally looking for a one bedroom or studio. I may have to forfeit and live with Alex. I didn't want to live with a guy. However I suppose if we had interior doors (unlike in this house) maybe it wouldn't be an imposition.

Now that I am confined in large part to a computer, I have thought about my femininity. I have worn dresses to work. I go to meetings sometimes. I have thought about getting my nails done.

I dyed my hair blond on Friday.

I have been under extreme stress in the past few weeks, and I have largely been failing to deal with it. I am really sad that Eric will be leaving soon. I hate losing people. lower nine is sometimes a bubble and when people you love leave, its like its popped. Quickly it grows back, but they've died in a way. I kid around all the time about "friend village", but not so secretly, I wish it could be real.

I am so full. so full. and yet...

I have found a new love. a new artist to love. his name is gregory alan isakov. his music is so nice and sad and pretty.

I have been indulging in deep conversation lately. I say indulging because I have not hesitated to get personal with a number of folks and I don't know how I think about that. I think mostly I like it, I've not made a mistake in being loose with my words. But I do feel perhaps I am doing this because I have not dealt internally with some things and so I need to speak about them. It's like emotional torrets.

This is another reason I'd like to live alone. To play my own music and to write and read and think out loud and decorate and be alone and be in my own head. control my space. have privacy. I am severly lacking in that right now.

i know nothing

now, nothing

now, nothing

no, no thing

no, no

know, no

i know, no

pour me a glass of port

poor me, poor me

a glass, a lass...

alas..