47 (I felt you in my legs before i even met you, i felt you in my life before i ever thought to)

so another year, another yom kippur. i have not been posting, i know. i have almost posted a few times. maybe ill eventually post those drafts. its been a difficult time for me these past weeks. a really difficult time. i got really lost. im on my way back to an okay place now. aside from the things i have had to not feel good about, i have also had a lot to apologize for. like last year, i dont don't think it's necessary to get into specifics, god knows there's enough to max out the amount i can write in this text box.

im sorry.

looking back on last years yom kippur entry, i know that i have done good things in the past 365 days. i have worked to make the world a better place. i hope that i can regain the strength to do that through another vehicle, and maintain it.

i am sorry for becoming jaded and skeptical. i am sorry for becoming lax with how i live my life and treat myself and those around me. i am sorry for all of the unnecessary harshness i have brought into the world and i hope that somehow i can make up for it with love.

i want to be written into "the book of life" this year. not because i feel i am deserving it or i want the goodness for myself, but because i need to be better. this version of myself, as good in comparison to years ago as it is, isn't good enough. it takes a long time but i need to change. i need to learn more and be better. i need to make the world better than it is.

my ego can do with some more bruises. actually thats not the case. i could be more humble of course, but i need to repair my self esteem. i need to strip the layers of my frailty away and come out of this fragile state. i am much more capable than this, and i need to do what needs to be done.

i apologize to everyone who has had to endure all of my indiscretions, complaints, doubt. i am sorry for people who have had to tolerate my shortcomings and cover my failures. i appreciate all of them though i cannot even identify them all.

i have been focused on my goals. to the point that i have lost site in some ways of the larger picture. i am sorry for focusing on myself without as much consideration for other people. i am sorry to those people who have been given the brush off by me for the sake of my intentions.

my journey to find love in this life, not romantic but real love, for myself and for the world with all its hardness, for everything, infinite love, has been hard and long. i am not there yet, but every day is a practice and reminder of how to love and be love. that is not a typo. i cant forget how fortunate i am to have this life the way it is, no matter how it is. i just have to work at it more.

back to bleeding the stone...