41 (the sweetest thing ive ever known, is the kiss on a collar bone)

to reignite the flame of desire

is to reignite the passionate anguish

in which you lose yourself

and allow the brain to

fire sinapses

that bridge

all your neurosis

to rejection

and everything that

comes out of your mouth

though thought on for far too long

still isn't right

and still makes no sense

and of course

because you are so full of desire

everything anyone says

must

have some other meaning

and your obsessions fester

pining

poisonous

helpless you are

to keep yourself from feeling what you do...

how long has it been?

never to long to resume a game of cat and mouse

but when we are both cats, we turn into pussies

and we are both mice, well,

we are both mice.

playful banter has never been so violent

loaded

and no longer an elephant in the room,

it's just a sore subject

that we choose to abstract

so that not only do we get to honestly fuck around,

we both get to climb back into the clouds and float away

not a single moment

where there is touch

even when the hearts get spilled

and the teeth gnash in attempts to hold back vocalizing

the answers to questions asked

regardless of our shared knowledge..

you know, that i know, that you know, that i know, that you know,

That,

you know...

40 (Ever since he can remember, people have died in his good name...theres one thing that he's sure of, this has been going on too long)

I have been listening to sooo much Lily Allen. I really like her. My job has relaxed its grip on me a little, and I feel okay about how things are going. Still wary and still not comfortable, but not fearful all the time, haha.

I adopted two kittens on Monday, and I think it was a good idea. I only wanted one. but whatever. They are crazy right now. I have moved in with Alex onto to a few blocks from where I lived before. He likes the kittens. My room has two walls that are all window, but it doesn't have great air circulation. The apartment is cute. But I still wish I lived alone.

Eryn left on Tuesday morning. But she is coming back in August. It's been a long time since I have gotten that close to someone that quickly.

I forgot to post that all, and now I am adding onto it at this late hour on a Sunday. My weekend has been bizarre and not great.

I feel as though not much has remained in my head that enters into in, at least not for a week or so. I think that I might be mentally unhinging myself in some ways.

I feel cold. In the sense that my heart is closed. and I feel little, if any, affection for most people currently. I'd make a list of people who I love, but I fear that not only would I forget someone, at least one, but it would also be offensive to anyone not on it. It's not worth the thought or effort or embarrassment to post.

I was going to go to sleep an hour ago. I've spent the majority of the weekend in bed. watching Oz. or Buffy. Or nothing. This guy I dated in New York for a little more than a month back in December came down to visit me. I think his reasons were off and I think he realized here, in my territory (so to speak), I am not the person he thought I was. I had always been a temporary installation in his space, a quiet addition. I am not an addition. So that's on its way out.

We had a fine time though. Everything I've said and done feels like a long time ago.

When was the last time I have felt?

Felt for you?

Felt you?

When is the next time I will feel?

Feel for you?

For anyone?

Round, though it is,

there is a point

so tiny at the end

smaller

than the tip

of a Pencil.

Circular, spiraling

downward

towards the end

and at the point

look back up

will you see

the journey?

The long and winding road that took us

from there

to here.

Here... Here where we are. At the point.

The point when we have come Full Circle.

The point where hindsight is 20/20

The point that is smaller than the tip of a pencil

We have been tripping towards the bottom, ever since the top.

The tip. The point.

The point at which we will see it all.

The point at which we will part ways.