49 (if its not like the movies, thats how it should be)

who am i

who am i

who am i

i am

closer, further, curated

poised, confused, uncontrolled

i am not

who i think i am

who i was

who i will be

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the world keeps spinning. today my throat is burning, and my mind is blank. just like most other days. sometimes though, things gel at the same time as others fall apart.

yet again, i dont even know anything. its strange to realize that i live in a constant state of insecurity. the things i want, there are few. the things i dont want, i gravitate towards. the things i have, i clench tightly. sometimes i throw them away though.

i need to change myself. in a real way. i really dont know anymore. you know, in some ways i thought it wasn't me. but now i think its internal. like i just think maybe what is untenable is internal. its time again. ive been here before, and its time to shift the cycle again.

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ive been collecting pennies

scraping the rust into my bowl of lonliness

to fill it with a million of the same face

ive been collecting quarters

so maybe all my lies will be discarded

with the fractals

that have been rubbed together

between the index and thumb pads

ive been collecting dimes. nickels.

like sand, they coat the floor of my apartment

so that every dawn

i can get up and walk through the past, and change.

i am a brute. jawing always at my weaknesses. daring you to humiliate me.

will you?

will you?

48 (what have you done today to make you feel proud?)

so the last time i posted was a while ago, i know. i am back in the bronx now, redoing my apartment. painting the walls white and the furniture red. it looks very good thus far, and im excited about it becoming my space again.

im kind of in a weird place though, honestly. im not feeling productive. i feel barely lucid sometimes. i think its a lack of structure. i got back into college and will be resuming come january though. id like to find a job too, and start writing again.

sometimes it just seems difficult to self reflect. theres a block in the thinking, where my brain is enveloped in lethargy. i feel like an egg shell thats filled with dark matter and fat. does that sound bad? haha, whatever. its hard to describe. every day i want to be better, to change, to be proud of myself. and here i am getting myself stuck in the past and repeating unproductive patterns.

i want to be inspired and find new and good things, but im not looking. i need to overcome this laziness. i have yet to decompress. i need to come to terms with who i am, and find out who that is. i need to renew myself and my commitment to my goals. this feels like a roadblock, but maybe its just a speedbump. yea. before i can move forward i need to get grounded again.

i want to have fun, and do well. i can. and i will. and i am going to start writing again. no more boring vague posts without substance. and im going to start baking and expanding my life. i feel good. i have a dentist appointment tomorrrrrroowwwww :( haha not looking forward to that.