51 ( Now I'm thinking, what the hell?)

Tonight is a night where i am reminded of why i hate living in new york city. i am sick of people. i really don't care anymore. you know its a good thing in some ways though; to recognize that its no longer worth it to wait, its not worth it to attempt to put in more than you get. if a relationship isn't equal than its a waste of time. but thats okay. just cant waste anymore time. i am ready to be a hermit.

the other thing im going to kvetch about is that every time i get on the goddamned subway its like the crazy person is next to me. why? why does this happen? the sweating guy with a scarf over his face and sunglasses and a hat all in black fidgeting, the drunk and upset guy who's on the verge of a breakdown, the creepo who cant stop staring and eventually gets up to follow, why cant you all just go away? i really dont like to be rude, and i really dont like saying anything to anyone, i just want to be left alone. why are these people infringing on my space? and why cant men just like... fuck off? i dont want to be hit on, i dont want to give out my number, or date, or sleep with you, or whatever, just like go the fuck away. im going to be the crazy sweating girl on the verge of a break down if this keeps happening haha, i swear. don't bang on my door in the middle of the night, ugh. ugh!!! rrr. and im supposed to be the one who stays composed and just listens to it? the demure quiet lady who puts up with everyone elses stupid shit. i just want to scream at them. why is it that every time a guy decides that a conversation should ensue, he cant help but to say something crude, or make some desperately obvious innuendo? its not attractive. so my plea is that it ceases from here on out.

in other news, i am resuming school this week. i cant even hardly believe im going back. id rather be working. so it goes. i have also resumed therapy, which is a huge relief. i might've popped. im just feeling right now, tonight, that the whole world can fuck off.