55 (Don't Worry, You're Wrapped Up Tight)

So. So. Okay, I'm going to start writing. This is just coming straight out of my head, not pre-written. This is talking myself through where I'm at. Okay. I just, I just feel bad. I wish that I had stayed. Today I watched this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_Ip_lRp4es&feature=player_embedded#at=194

And I was reminded of all of the reasons why I was doing what I did in New Orleans. And I miss it. And I wish I could go back to work. I think it's so important to help people, I think that I'm not helping anyone right now, not even myself. I am wasting time. And look mom I don't need you to email me about this later justifying college to me haha...

It's just hard for me to look at that video and not be there. And not be doing anything about what's going on. And when I left last September, the waiting list was over 300 people. Just imagine. It's funny, after leaving I could not let go of what I'd had. Then, when I started trying to move past it, it seems like everyone wanted to bring random things to my attention because of some obscure, reaching connection to New Orleans, and thus, of course, to me. Why? Why do people do this? I do not want to re-hash it anymore. And yet, I am pulled with the urge to return over and over again.

There are so many problems in the world, so many terrible and confusing things that people do to one another that break my heart. Parents beating their children, even killing them (see news in nyt regarding the ACS workers...), earthquakes, oil spills, rape and sexual assault, honor killings, people generally, and I don't mean this in a belittling way at all, but people just being mean to each other. What the fuck? Why do people want to be mean? Why do people really just act so badly to one another... I really am overwhelmed thinking about how terrible people are.

When I think about the world I want to do it with empathy and understanding, or at least with the knowledge that I can't understand someone else's situation. But a lot of people don't do that. A lot of people just do what they want. They don't give a shit about anyone else and they certainly don't care what breaks in the process, be it a government, culture, let alone a mere life. All this arbitrary hate channeled into dogma, it's depressingly sickening. I feel bad for all the people trying to change the world. No amount of resilience, love, or determination can shield someone in that vein of work from the harm of overwhelming sadness that will inevitably be a theme in their lives. Of course we all learn to cope, the weight would otherwise crush us, even those who live solely to be happy for themselves.
But the long and arduous journey of trying to elevate the lives of those under the ubiquitous thumb of evil influence (whatever the specific may be) is one leading to the road to burn-out, apathy, or martyrdom, at its worst. At its best, one celebrates the small victories, and rarely those large ones, and suffers the injustices of life, learns to shake off the plight of their clientele and somehow separates the reality of those they work with and for from themselves. However, regardless, they surround themselves with death. Death of hope, for some, death of innocence, death of ability, whatever. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to go the route of helping people. I think everyone should go that route and then maybe it wouldn't be bad, or at least nearly as bad. If there weren't so many people contributing to the shit end of the stick, maybe it wouldn't be as long.
There are so many worthy causes, health care, the ones I mentioned above, all of this. Where does one begin? And what the fuck does a person do with their lives? I don't know about anyone else, but I cannot ignore the people suffering, be it at their own or anyone else's hands. I can't live in a world this bad, and since I have no plans of going anywhere else any time soon, I have to do something about it. But where to start.... How to go about it... what to focus on.... how to get people to fucking pay attention... I just don't know.

And so, I sleep all day. lol.

54 (I got that fire)

Hey y'all I know I haven't posted since the end of January. Things have been... overwhelming. School is pretty terrible and I'm not so sure what to do about it. For a while I was trying to 'fake it til I make it.' That's not working. I feel really generally oppressed by the weight of the poor decision to return when I am just not ready for it. Lesson learned.

Today though I don't feel bad, regardless of the fact that I had a midterm Monday in Bio which I definitely got like a 3 on. I actually had a good day today, regardless of the content. It was absolutely beautiful outside. I don't have therapy tomorrow, which means I can devote the whole day to hanging with my mamacita and doing errands.

In other news, aside from generic college, I started Beauty School! Make-Up Artistry to be exact, and I am super-psyched about it. It's a 5 hour class every Saturday and it is so rewarding... It's the only thing getting me through right now, and that's worth it. I'm looking to pursue paramedical camouflage make-up (look it up!)- the only thing is makeup and tools are super pricey so it's a little difficult to figure out how to swing it without a job. But, it is an investment.

Aside from stressing and feeling crappy, I've also been dreaming a lot. And I don't mean sleep-dreaming, though I have had some weird ones, just like everyone, haha. No, I've been dreaming of my future, dreaming of my freedom, dreaming of my plans. I felt like writing all week, but I just couldn't get internet until now. I think I might take summer courses before I drop out again and burn all my bridges for good (even though it will totally be civilized and peaceful). Maybe online college would be better... why is everything so expensive though?? I also want to take a bartending class, gotta do a little research. I've been reading a lot about the history and evolution of spirits, which is so interesting and cool... there are some recipes that I'd really like to try ;)

Oh, for the past week I also read this livejournal I found an article about online, it's called 65 Red Roses. It's this girl Eva's, and she chronicles her struggles with cystic fibrosis.. Needless to say, if you know anything about the disease, she dies at 25. The article I found it through was about the youth, my generation, and the obsession with sharing personal things. This girl was amazing though, she had a documentary about her life made too and did a lot for CF and organ donation. The other thing though, there were a few posts closer to the end of her life that I found really inspiring, talking about dreams and freedom, and holding yourself back. She died so young.. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, so why waste today? I am not confined to wishing, I can go out and do what I want and live my life.

So now, for some lists:

To Get:
Detergent
Hair Spray
Mattifier, Foundation
Hair serum
Bar Spoon
Nalgene
Brush Oil Cleaner

To Do:
Paint
Install Shelves
Flat Tape in Bathroom
DMV
Passport Office
Find Folder for Morgue (collection of beauty pics you like- for class)
Research
-Bartender Class
-Paramedical Programs
-Jobs


Some Neat Books I've Read:
PUNCH by David Wondrich
BoozeHound by Jason Wilson. Get 'em if you like drinking!

Some Liquors I want to Experiment with....(based on the books...)
Tuaca
Maraschino Liquer
Grappa
Cynar
Creme de Voilette
Campari
Applejack
Peychaud's Bitters
Aquavit
Chartreuse
Old Tom Gin
Creme Yvette
Plymouth Sloe Gin
Williams Brandy
Rhum Agricole
Calvados (Brandy)

All this obviously not at once... but to play with. The pure, the obscure, the old, and the renewed.


Finally, a little poem


Floating in a sea of lividity
lucid salts inhaled
you can chase me
but i will not run from you
there comes a time
to harden your heart
mine is granite





oh ps i dont know if I mentioned this in the last post, but I have deleted my facebook, okc, and twitter. It was hard at first and sometimes I want to arbitrarily share with the world minutia of my day, but I think it's better that I don't now. It's a constant reminder to really think about why you want to put it out there and what you want out of it. It also has been helpful in reevaluating my relationships.