55 (Don't Worry, You're Wrapped Up Tight)

So. So. Okay, I'm going to start writing. This is just coming straight out of my head, not pre-written. This is talking myself through where I'm at. Okay. I just, I just feel bad. I wish that I had stayed. Today I watched this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_Ip_lRp4es&feature=player_embedded#at=194

And I was reminded of all of the reasons why I was doing what I did in New Orleans. And I miss it. And I wish I could go back to work. I think it's so important to help people, I think that I'm not helping anyone right now, not even myself. I am wasting time. And look mom I don't need you to email me about this later justifying college to me haha...

It's just hard for me to look at that video and not be there. And not be doing anything about what's going on. And when I left last September, the waiting list was over 300 people. Just imagine. It's funny, after leaving I could not let go of what I'd had. Then, when I started trying to move past it, it seems like everyone wanted to bring random things to my attention because of some obscure, reaching connection to New Orleans, and thus, of course, to me. Why? Why do people do this? I do not want to re-hash it anymore. And yet, I am pulled with the urge to return over and over again.

There are so many problems in the world, so many terrible and confusing things that people do to one another that break my heart. Parents beating their children, even killing them (see news in nyt regarding the ACS workers...), earthquakes, oil spills, rape and sexual assault, honor killings, people generally, and I don't mean this in a belittling way at all, but people just being mean to each other. What the fuck? Why do people want to be mean? Why do people really just act so badly to one another... I really am overwhelmed thinking about how terrible people are.

When I think about the world I want to do it with empathy and understanding, or at least with the knowledge that I can't understand someone else's situation. But a lot of people don't do that. A lot of people just do what they want. They don't give a shit about anyone else and they certainly don't care what breaks in the process, be it a government, culture, let alone a mere life. All this arbitrary hate channeled into dogma, it's depressingly sickening. I feel bad for all the people trying to change the world. No amount of resilience, love, or determination can shield someone in that vein of work from the harm of overwhelming sadness that will inevitably be a theme in their lives. Of course we all learn to cope, the weight would otherwise crush us, even those who live solely to be happy for themselves.
But the long and arduous journey of trying to elevate the lives of those under the ubiquitous thumb of evil influence (whatever the specific may be) is one leading to the road to burn-out, apathy, or martyrdom, at its worst. At its best, one celebrates the small victories, and rarely those large ones, and suffers the injustices of life, learns to shake off the plight of their clientele and somehow separates the reality of those they work with and for from themselves. However, regardless, they surround themselves with death. Death of hope, for some, death of innocence, death of ability, whatever. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to go the route of helping people. I think everyone should go that route and then maybe it wouldn't be bad, or at least nearly as bad. If there weren't so many people contributing to the shit end of the stick, maybe it wouldn't be as long.
There are so many worthy causes, health care, the ones I mentioned above, all of this. Where does one begin? And what the fuck does a person do with their lives? I don't know about anyone else, but I cannot ignore the people suffering, be it at their own or anyone else's hands. I can't live in a world this bad, and since I have no plans of going anywhere else any time soon, I have to do something about it. But where to start.... How to go about it... what to focus on.... how to get people to fucking pay attention... I just don't know.

And so, I sleep all day. lol.