23 (And if my thought-dreams could be seen, they'd probably put my head in a guillotine...)

So, I thought that I had posted more recently than I last did. I suppose anyone who was reading this blog probably abandoned it long ago. Well. A little recap, for both you and me. 

Following my brief trip back to New York, I returned to find everything still moving smoothly. And even though work was going steadily and my crew shifted after Ryan left l9 to Gordie and me mostly, but Iron John sometimes too, problems were brewing. The bathroom at Erin's took a lot longer than anyone thought, but we also installed some beautiful hardwood floors and baseboards, painted, tiled in the kitchen, lots of stuff. It seemed we would finish in early-mid may. Well, demands and sebacks kept pushing that date farther away and the crew stayed just the two of us for weeks. While all this was moving along, things in New York were wavy. My grandmother got very sick and was deteriorating really quickly. I had to push the date of my departure up and up. She died 2 days before I got back to the city. It was a whirlwind and I was very mixed up about a lot of things, including abruptly leaving New Orleans, and not completing Erin's home. 

I was in NY for a very brief period of time as well, leaving with my immediate family to her residence in Mexico to help take care of her affairs. It was an odd transitional week, and not 2 days after we got back to NY did my sister not only graduate from college but also move to Boston. I speant a fair amount of time there and then came back to NY, where I tried to being getting my apartment together as well as taking care of preparations from school.

During these ongoing things I also got somewhat sick, and I am still dealing with the fallout from that a little bit. Anyway, I got most eberything with school worked out, although I still hae not come to reconcile myself with the commitment. I feel pressured, and unenthusiastic, I don't want to go right now, there are lotsof things. Either way, things did not come along too well in New York. I really hermit-ed  it up and slept a lot, didn't communicate too much, and finally decided to return to New ORleans after failing miserabley to find a job of any sort. 

Soo... now that that is out of the way, I'm back. And yet again, the vibe is totally different. It's even more strained this time it seems. People dont do much.... Friday and Saturday went by without more than a suggestion of going out. Long term people I was friendly with last time seem more withdrawn as well, and a few people are outwardly frustrated. The tension over the dogs also has heightened, with the ultimatum for them to be given away or taken away. I've also returned when quite a few people are leaving.

The heat is oppresive. The calender hasn ot been changed since I left. In fact, every day I see on the calender the day where "SAM LEAVES". For some reason it bothers me. And some of my relationships/whatever you want to call it, have diminished greatly, and I feel as though perhaps I should being to stake out a new liason in this city. That may be preemptive, unneccesary, an overstatement, but i feel something brewing that was not present last time I was here. Also, since I have to leave in a matter of weeks, I feel like whatever I contribute this time will be minute and perhaps not enough. I'm not sure. I'm having issues thinking about it. 

On the other hand, in the past few days I have had some really in depth conversations with people that I think were really interesting and gave me a lot of insight, and I feel privelaged for that. However the thinking that it requires on my part is not always comfortable, especially whn it comes to things i purposely ignore. One of those things is the loneliness I have felt very much this year, and even before. Everything having been so temporary, you and everyone around you is too. Also people getting old, dieing, leaving, etc. I don't know. theres a lot and it is difficult to being to immerse myself in sifting through it to a) figure out what and how I think about specific things, b) how i feel about those things and how i feel/think about those feelings, c) making decisions about my priorities and what sacrifices I have to make in order to align myself with them, d) if those sacrifices make sense, etc etc. You know, life reflections. 

Thus, I have returned to the blog in order to begin. Here goes.