24 (Just walk away, and remain silent)

I'd like to clarify something- from all the responses (on the blog and in conversation), people who read my last blog seem to think I'm sad or something. Though it certainly is true that this is a strange interim time, I' m not feeling down or anything like that. I just don't really know what to think. 

I think that I need to make some new connections, and find a job, and something...

I don't know. I just am not sure what to think about, or if it's worth it to even wonder about anything. The waiting game is almost over as the school season comes closer, and all of the options I was playing with before for things I am interested in doing seem like they shouldn't be anymore. 

Gosh, you know, also, I feel a little like I'm losing my motivation for this. I love this city, I never get sick of it, and I like construction a lot, but somehow I don't feel it like I did before. And the thing is that really gets me is that I left and I was so bummed for a while and I slipped into this sluggish shitty lifestyle, and then I was so invigorated to be back... maybe I was just projecting. I just feel bad, I don't get psyched to work anymore. Maybe if they stopped jerking me around and put me on one site I would be better... It also feels as though since I am only here for like 2 more weeks that it's hardly even worth it because not enough will get done. I wish I could do more. I feel less capable. 

Like yesterday for example, I worked with Darren and I was framing, which I am fine at, but he took charge (which he does with everyone I know), and I was rusty at it, a given, and I didn't do shit. I felt like I was useless. And I feel like I have just been doing random shit, I'm not skilled enough, strong enough, etc. I feel like maybe I'm not a good volunteer?? 

And I also feel as though, like I said last time, I've been on autopilot and it's really hard to turn my brain back on. I need a way to get into it. I'm hoping school can be that for me, I'm hoping it can work out. 

I like learning to drive a lot because of that too, I feel like I'm learning something important that makes me a more valuable person. I enjoy it, I want to be good at it, and I want people to be able to count on me to be able to do anything. I mean like transporting them, materials, and it makes me feel free. I want a vehicle. 

I just don't know what to do with myself.