29 ( Put a candle in the window, cause I feel I gotta move, but I'll be coming home soon, Long as I can see The Light))

Today is Yom Kippur. For those who don't know, it is the day of atonement.

I am sorry for the harsh things I have said, here or anywhere. 

I will not go through the many things I am sorry for but I will say that all I want, and the only path I have ever wanted to be on is Tikkun Olam. I just want to be able to stay on track and to be able to find he strength to carry out my part, and not be dissuaded by anything or anyone. 

Of course, no one is perfect and I have a lot to work on. This year, and this life, will hopefully be enough for something at all to happen. 

I need people to find the courage to understand and accept what I am doing with my life, and I need  to be unyielding in my attempts. 

28 ( I found a dream that I can I can speak to, A dream that I can call my own, I found a dream to press my cheek to)

So, I might be going crazy. Or I might just be getting on track.  The past week and change since I updated has been really busy. Don't know if I mentioned I started driving lessons, which is pretty good. But anyway aside from that, last week my friend Sam from Chicago came into the city for a night and I hung out with him... We had a really nice conversation that reminded me that thankfully there are some feminist women around that really understand reality. 

Then I worked a bit over in Jersey on a house which was cool too, that was on the weekend. Since I left New Orleans I've gotten so much weaker. I hate realizing that, but at least it can eventually become corrected. I just need to work haha...

But then! The week began and I've had this rush of stuff. This guy Matt came back from India and we hung out for 2 days and I got to know him better than I had before, and I had a pretty good time, I hope he did too. But all of this stuff came out of the visit that left me with a lot to think about you know? I just gotta sort myself out about it. But anyway as if I had any time to do that inbetween then and last night when 2 other people I'm friends with from New Orleans called me up and were like "We're downtown, come" and of course, I did. And over the hours I spent with them we had a lot of conversation that left me feeling better and worse at the same time. 

Better in the sense that there are other people that unerstand what I'm trying to say and that have amazing input as well, but also in the sense that they will be taking action to make the world a better place. Theyre all great people and I feel like I'm really happy to know them and be involved with the small group of people who can enact change, cause you know the whole saying it only takes a few people to change the world.... I think these are the people. I hope anyway. 

Worse because I am impatient. And I want to do things now and the urgency grows the more I talk about it. And because I feel an impotence creeping into my life here because of the concentration of problems here. New York City is a wonderful beautiful place filled with the best things in the world, but you can't possibly have the best without have the worst as well. The problems with the children here, the schools inherent issues, the intense loneliness that some people feel, the hugely high cost of living, being stacked on top of one another, workaholics being normal, everything in motion is cutthroat and if you aren't moving as fast then you are falling farther and farther behind and it's nearly impossible to get on your feet. Its like the cycle-tron you know those gravity machines, and everyone functional and working within this city is up at the top of the walls spinning so fast theyre fucking blind, and all the people that arent are stuck at the bottom trying to claw their way up in the midst of this super human pull. 

And then of course I have been bitching about school to a few people, but I'm beginning to see some things that I don't like too much. Not going to go into too much detail for your  sake but I'm not transitioning basically. And the evidence of bad attitudes all around is growing, and higher education doesn't seem to alleviate this ignorance at ALLL. Wow, I just pinpointed my problem without even realizing it. That is EXACTLY it. College isn't the cure for ignorance for most people. And I'm trying to cure ignorance. 

http://www.storyofstuff.com/

Lynn showed me that and Anyone who reads this blog should look at that too!

http://www.paullussiercompany.com/add_htmls/blessed_unrest.html

Watch this if you want something to think about too. 

By the way I thought about this a little. If you are a god-fearing individual, some people say that now God isn't here because all he can appear to for people is bread. You know what I mean? In the bible, biblical times, without the technology and lifestyle that removed all the people to far from the earth, God was there with them and had a relationship with teh people. And God isn't arond anymore because what people have done. They fucked up and thats why God is gone. They traded Mother Nature and the Holy Father for stuff. Everyone that's part of this religious bit these days, at least in America, is walking the line between begging for God and guidance but bending over for the companies and luxuries of the material machine. But I don't know. Sounds reasonable. God is what we want him to be, her, whatever, but people have betrayed this planet and yet all they ask of it is more and more and they give nothing back but worthless drivel about God. It's time for everyone to be God. It's time for everyone to be Divine and create miracles. Because people can do that. 

I believe in people.    They just need to get pushed you know.

Also, as according to the theory that everything people do is about sex, like everything ever, can I just say something about that to people. Can we stop being such cock blocks then? Shit cause we are gettin it and getting it and straight up getting in other species way. We're jerks. 

27 (Independent in every single sense of the word, I say what I want, you fuckin little sensitive herb)

I have so much energy out of nowhere. I feel really alive and really restless. 

Listening to this song is making me feel pretty free, I can say whatever I want and you know what? I will. So, I suppose now is the time to say some shit then. Ok. Here we go

I am sick of fucking everyone. All you annoying pathetic little people posting stuff all the time about celebrities and stupid idiotic bullshit. Why do you bother talking? It isn't worth hearing, not for me, not for anyone. Stop willingly filling your brain with friggin trash! God! I was on facebook, which is already bad enough, don't I know... but seriously these dumb girls talking about fuckin lady gaga and kanye west... get a life. Just because those people do whatever the fuck they want doesn't mean you A) need to pay attention, and B) need to care, and C) can't do whatever you wnt too! Ok, so they have money. Good for them. But like lady gaga, which i guess is the reason theres so much hype about her is her clothes or something. well whatever its a plo for attention. so if you dont like it ignore her, thats the only way to make her go away. All this idiotic talking about these people just fuels there fame. So SHUT THE FUCK UP about these ridiculous people. I dont care if theyre on TV. I dont CARE if kanye said some crazy shit! None of you people know them, and if you do i doubt youre spouting shit like everyone else. Stop speculating! Its NOT your business! do you talk endlessly about people you see randomly on the street? No. So what makes celebrities so different from me or you? They just get watched. They are the chosen weirdos to get followed by alll you fucking CREEPS. 

Get a Life! 

Oh, and if you want to hear some more, I got more. Here's some thoughts on rap music. What is all this bullshit coming out of these dumbasses mouthes? To give you an example, here's a lyric: 

" like a sprained ankle boy I ain’t nothing to play with ...."

and later in that song, 

" stuck my d*ck inside this life Until that b*tch came"

STUPID. NOT HARD. not cool. gross, and not creative. all these rappers literally come running to the studios to repeat eachother and talk about themselves. now honestly. SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don't care if you dreamed about guns and money and bitches and hoes. And who the fuck dreams about hoes? Why is it a GOOD status symbol if you have ridiculous people who only want you for your money? It's the ultimate fuck you really, because everyone that actually wants to get in with these dudes wants their money... its not like they offer a lot of intellectual stimulation or depth of thought and emotion. It's just praising their own apathy. Oh yea, Im so great i have tons of money and all i do is run my mouth. If you really get to the point where you are a "celebrity" and you have peoples attention, did you ever have ambition? Like jeez when you started out or when you were younger was there ANYTHING you cared about other than yourself? Why not talk about that? All these rappers just seem like such boring self centered people. Why does everyone love self absorbed people? Why?!

This isnt CULTURE! Fuck! Even intellegent people trip over themselves to stay up on gossip, they make careers out of other peoples plight. You might as well have a fucking talk show about all the poverty in the world and just shit on it all day long. When did people decide that they were all so different from eachother? Not one single person is better than anyone else. All you racist sexist fucks, all you weight obsessed clothing loving people, really. Start paying attention to your life. YOUR life. You are important! Why don't you care about things you can actualy be a part of? Is everyone really just a voyeur? Does everyone really Just want to be that?? 

Get off your bums and go do something. lazy people watching tv, parents stealing their kids childhoods by putting them in schools where they get 2 hours of homework when theyre 7 years old and then the only outlet they have is fucking video games! Cell phones when theyre 10! Why? Why raise them on television and internet? There was a time when people werent dependent on this stuff, its not good. Where are the values of human connection? Plugging yourselves in apicking and choosing what news you hear and what you care about. Choosing to ignore the problems in your own community so you can focus on just gaining more and more stufffff. more shit to have and say its yours. More luxury! Fuck all the people who have nothing, thts not my problem. They can suffer as long as i get my tvs and DIAMONDS and leather. Fuck all the animals being killed in inhumane ways so I can eat cheaply and as much as I fucking want! Fuck them dying so I can have a nice fur coat! Fuck all those people, fuck the world. 

I am NOT an angry person. I just get so fed up with all of this damn APATHY. 

Keep acting like its not your problem. But meet me, I'm going to MAKE it your problem. And if you send me away without hearing me out, not to worry. It'll be your problem later. It will, and I know it. Ignore the poor for too long, keep those people down long enough and something will happen- whether thats some sort of revolution or just a huge amount of people falling into poverty and our society running to the edge of the slippery slope and the middle class gets too stretched, I dont know. I'm not trying to start a revolution, I'm trying to tell people to SELF REFLECT. By no means am I above all this, but at least I try. At least I have passion. I'm not running away from the problems. I'm trying to deal with them, and figure out a way to spend my life trying to make things better for Everyone. Even all the people I get frustrated with.

One last thing: 

I have decided it would be fun to start cooking through a cookbook! i saw julie and julia and it made me think about how much i like cooking, and i havent done it for a while. So I am going to. No edits in this post.

26 (Dear shadow alive and well, How can the body die, you tell me everything, anything true)

Again, the consistent inconsistency. I am now back in New York, and it is beginning to turn towards Autumn. Fall is my favorite everywhere, and in New York, you just can't beat the beauty. However, I am really sick of living in the most drab of places, residing in the underbelly. 

I have begun college. It is fine, nothing special. I have felt kind of sick though for the past couple weeks, my sleep has been off... headaches, stomachaches.. whatever. Though there are not very many redeeming qualities about this city for me right now (save my wonderful family), I have been able to do a lot of reading. And so, I am posting a list of books I have recently completed/reread. Next to them I will mention how highly I recommend each, based on its topic. 

Books/Rating (No particular order)

1. The Hidden Face of Eve - Nawal El Saadawi/Highly recommend this, though its hard to read because of the issues is deals with; women and oppression in the Arab world. 

2. Dead Aid- Dambisa Moyo/ Highly recommend this one as well, very dense business analysis, slow read, but captivating and truly groundbreaking.

3. Slam- Nick Hornby/ Recommended. It is a pretty good novel, similar in style to Horby's other work, but the topic of teen pregnancy didn't captivate me the way his other writing has. 

4. Plane Insanity - Elliot Hester/ So funny! If you want something light without being pointless, this a great book. It makes you feel very human and connected, and happens to also be hilarious

5. Black Mass- Dick Lehr and Gerard O'Neill/ Depending... It was interesting surely, but redundant. About the FBI and a scandal of criminal doings with the Irish mob. Worth reading, but could have used quite a bit more editing. 

6. Nickel and Dimed (On not getting by in America)- Barbara Ehrnreich/ Again, worth reading although I'm still not sure about my opinions on her methodology. Lots of interesting first hand experience.

7. Under the Banner of Heaven- John Krakauer/ HIGHLY recommend this! Crazy, well written, well researched, captivating read about Mormons and religious fanatics in the US. 

8. Jewish Wisdom- Rabbi Joseph Telushkin/ Highly recommend. Even if you don't have the stomach for biblical texts, this is a great supplement, or basic reading for anyone interested in Judaism. The range of topics the book covers is mind blowing, and the speed at which one could read this is indicative of how great it is. I finished it in 3 days!

And Now.... Books  I am reading currently:

1. The Naked Brain- Richard Restak, MD./ So far, so good. He surely is an expert and the book is pretty wild.. Deals with concepts of neurosociety.

2. How We Die- Offhand cant remember/ Great.. seems a little gloomy but it isn't. Really interesting, on the things that cause people to perish, and the process. 

I want to go back to New Orleans.