53 ( And from the bottom of the river, I looked up for the sun)

It is time to confess. Why can I not be all that I want to be? I can! for life's sake, for the sake of happiness, I must love always. the days must be fuller with honesty and everything. i must be more. i have to be bigger. i must always be more beautiful, more kind, more truthful, more shameless than the day before. i can be humble my god if i can say, i can be humble because i want the rug pulled out from under me any chance there is! please, for all of you, bring me down. i cant ask for more than you to hold me and love me in your heart. because i will always love you, each of you, whether you want me to or not. forever. i will love you and there is nothing you can do about it. i will be here for you forever.

and now i am going to share with you an intimate piece of writing which makes my cheeks flush and my brain melt.

do you know, when i am so empty, feeling as though i have nothing to contribute, i should make love. conjure it up inside like magic and share it and try to embody it and be it. so this is the way!

enough of my thought- here is the letter. never to be sent, and hopefully never to be read by its intended recipient. cathartic to write, and a journey to read, here it is. i wasn't sure whether to post it but i feel a sickly urge to share this. (with the 2 of you that there are :)) it is not a recent piece of writing, nor does it apply to my daily reality, but as far as what i can offer, this is it.

For all of my drunken confessions and attempts at a sober discussion, I don't think you have ever read the result of my pen touching paper; for all of those inadequate expressions, I apologize.

For all of my professions, I have nothing more to show you. Rejected time and again, beyond all the logic and reason I have, I must tell you again. I love you. You are the person, the magnet, that I am dragged back to. When I see you, the lightness in my body practically radiates out and I feel faint for a moment. Of course, after your continuous pushing and admonishments, I have learned to create my own gravity.

Regardless, I love you! I still love you. Wholly, sickly, sadly. You, I admire. You are a thing to behold. You must know how coyly beautiful you are... Do you know what you have done to me? Do you see the air all freeze when you get near? Do you purposely crack all the eggshells I walk on around you?

What I am left wondering is, regardless of any profession of passion, let alone affinity on my part, did you ever care? I can tell you every day, I could say it for every moment you have looked at me, for every second of our few embraces, that you have my heart. Did I ever, for even a fleeting moment, have yours beating in my fingertips? Did I squeeze the life out of it, or was it all just an omission?

Even so, whatever the truth, and however you may judge me yet again, your heart is a thing of wonder. It is disgusting how long this love's been drawn out, but I can't force it into a shallow grave. I'm sorry for that. I hope that I can let you go, stop chasing you while you wait for me to run out of breath.

The last thing I want to say is thank you. For always being quiet through my craziness, for always keeping your composure. For letting me be piece-meal honest with you. I am sorry again, for making nothing into something. For keeping my line in your ear open for all this time. You know, even after the end of this, I will still love you. I will love you for always, I will always be your friend. I will never cease to care for you. As for now though, infatuation abounds.

Love Always,

Samantha

____________________________________________

And now, a poem:

Friend

One day, you will forget

to remember me.

and our love, as it were

will cease to exist. there will be no nail in the coffin, there will be no coffin

Or perhaps, I will not look at your life

from the outside in

And I will forget You

And I will remain, the pain of a thorn in your side

When you consider

what beauty the world has lost

and all the love we could have made, and shared, basking in our spoils

Nay,

this will not be. I will not forget you. I will not let go

of all the maybe

I have no tears to shed, or words

I remain a voyeur, peering in, watching you move on

towards the day

when you cease to remember me

52 (I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop)

omfg i belong in the loony bin i am bonkers as fuck lololol i am a crazy pants and i am losing control of everything lol bonkers bonkers i am so nuts NUTS

and i am sober, im just fucking crazy. i cant do this! im a loser. im like vomiting words all over the place and im by myself. fml fml fml fml fml i dont give a shittttttttttttttweteskgndrfklhndflkdflgnldknghlkdnhkldgnhklgdfnhkldfngkldfg

sfgdfgdfgfdgjbskgdslgbsljdgald;tn'EWTJw4

op4t6j34iny53t Fesdnfsglmd';fhe

age

CRAZY CRAZY FUCKIN BONKERS NUTZO I DONT CARE IM LOSIN IT I AM A LOONY BIN ALLSTAR. I NEED A FUCKNIG STRAIGHTJACKET LOLOL WTF WTF WTF

51 ( Now I'm thinking, what the hell?)

Tonight is a night where i am reminded of why i hate living in new york city. i am sick of people. i really don't care anymore. you know its a good thing in some ways though; to recognize that its no longer worth it to wait, its not worth it to attempt to put in more than you get. if a relationship isn't equal than its a waste of time. but thats okay. just cant waste anymore time. i am ready to be a hermit.

the other thing im going to kvetch about is that every time i get on the goddamned subway its like the crazy person is next to me. why? why does this happen? the sweating guy with a scarf over his face and sunglasses and a hat all in black fidgeting, the drunk and upset guy who's on the verge of a breakdown, the creepo who cant stop staring and eventually gets up to follow, why cant you all just go away? i really dont like to be rude, and i really dont like saying anything to anyone, i just want to be left alone. why are these people infringing on my space? and why cant men just like... fuck off? i dont want to be hit on, i dont want to give out my number, or date, or sleep with you, or whatever, just like go the fuck away. im going to be the crazy sweating girl on the verge of a break down if this keeps happening haha, i swear. don't bang on my door in the middle of the night, ugh. ugh!!! rrr. and im supposed to be the one who stays composed and just listens to it? the demure quiet lady who puts up with everyone elses stupid shit. i just want to scream at them. why is it that every time a guy decides that a conversation should ensue, he cant help but to say something crude, or make some desperately obvious innuendo? its not attractive. so my plea is that it ceases from here on out.

in other news, i am resuming school this week. i cant even hardly believe im going back. id rather be working. so it goes. i have also resumed therapy, which is a huge relief. i might've popped. im just feeling right now, tonight, that the whole world can fuck off.

50( somethings gotta change, it must be rearranged)

there is no respite

49 (if its not like the movies, thats how it should be)

who am i

who am i

who am i

i am

closer, further, curated

poised, confused, uncontrolled

i am not

who i think i am

who i was

who i will be

_________________________________

the world keeps spinning. today my throat is burning, and my mind is blank. just like most other days. sometimes though, things gel at the same time as others fall apart.

yet again, i dont even know anything. its strange to realize that i live in a constant state of insecurity. the things i want, there are few. the things i dont want, i gravitate towards. the things i have, i clench tightly. sometimes i throw them away though.

i need to change myself. in a real way. i really dont know anymore. you know, in some ways i thought it wasn't me. but now i think its internal. like i just think maybe what is untenable is internal. its time again. ive been here before, and its time to shift the cycle again.

__________________________________

ive been collecting pennies

scraping the rust into my bowl of lonliness

to fill it with a million of the same face

ive been collecting quarters

so maybe all my lies will be discarded

with the fractals

that have been rubbed together

between the index and thumb pads

ive been collecting dimes. nickels.

like sand, they coat the floor of my apartment

so that every dawn

i can get up and walk through the past, and change.

i am a brute. jawing always at my weaknesses. daring you to humiliate me.

will you?

will you?

48 (what have you done today to make you feel proud?)

so the last time i posted was a while ago, i know. i am back in the bronx now, redoing my apartment. painting the walls white and the furniture red. it looks very good thus far, and im excited about it becoming my space again.

im kind of in a weird place though, honestly. im not feeling productive. i feel barely lucid sometimes. i think its a lack of structure. i got back into college and will be resuming come january though. id like to find a job too, and start writing again.

sometimes it just seems difficult to self reflect. theres a block in the thinking, where my brain is enveloped in lethargy. i feel like an egg shell thats filled with dark matter and fat. does that sound bad? haha, whatever. its hard to describe. every day i want to be better, to change, to be proud of myself. and here i am getting myself stuck in the past and repeating unproductive patterns.

i want to be inspired and find new and good things, but im not looking. i need to overcome this laziness. i have yet to decompress. i need to come to terms with who i am, and find out who that is. i need to renew myself and my commitment to my goals. this feels like a roadblock, but maybe its just a speedbump. yea. before i can move forward i need to get grounded again.

i want to have fun, and do well. i can. and i will. and i am going to start writing again. no more boring vague posts without substance. and im going to start baking and expanding my life. i feel good. i have a dentist appointment tomorrrrrroowwwww :( haha not looking forward to that.

47 (I felt you in my legs before i even met you, i felt you in my life before i ever thought to)

so another year, another yom kippur. i have not been posting, i know. i have almost posted a few times. maybe ill eventually post those drafts. its been a difficult time for me these past weeks. a really difficult time. i got really lost. im on my way back to an okay place now. aside from the things i have had to not feel good about, i have also had a lot to apologize for. like last year, i dont don't think it's necessary to get into specifics, god knows there's enough to max out the amount i can write in this text box.

im sorry.

looking back on last years yom kippur entry, i know that i have done good things in the past 365 days. i have worked to make the world a better place. i hope that i can regain the strength to do that through another vehicle, and maintain it.

i am sorry for becoming jaded and skeptical. i am sorry for becoming lax with how i live my life and treat myself and those around me. i am sorry for all of the unnecessary harshness i have brought into the world and i hope that somehow i can make up for it with love.

i want to be written into "the book of life" this year. not because i feel i am deserving it or i want the goodness for myself, but because i need to be better. this version of myself, as good in comparison to years ago as it is, isn't good enough. it takes a long time but i need to change. i need to learn more and be better. i need to make the world better than it is.

my ego can do with some more bruises. actually thats not the case. i could be more humble of course, but i need to repair my self esteem. i need to strip the layers of my frailty away and come out of this fragile state. i am much more capable than this, and i need to do what needs to be done.

i apologize to everyone who has had to endure all of my indiscretions, complaints, doubt. i am sorry for people who have had to tolerate my shortcomings and cover my failures. i appreciate all of them though i cannot even identify them all.

i have been focused on my goals. to the point that i have lost site in some ways of the larger picture. i am sorry for focusing on myself without as much consideration for other people. i am sorry to those people who have been given the brush off by me for the sake of my intentions.

my journey to find love in this life, not romantic but real love, for myself and for the world with all its hardness, for everything, infinite love, has been hard and long. i am not there yet, but every day is a practice and reminder of how to love and be love. that is not a typo. i cant forget how fortunate i am to have this life the way it is, no matter how it is. i just have to work at it more.

back to bleeding the stone...

46 ( What do you do with the left over you And how do you know, when to let go)

I have settled into living alone at Brianna and my place. My kittens are terrorists. They are the loudest fattest little crazies who have ever lived and they will eat everything i've ever bought. They have been fixed but somehow they seem not to know. After flooding my bathroom, which seemed like the ultimate ridiculousness, they still seem to go above and beyond reckless. Delicate little 4 month old babies are ruining my sleep.

Ambien also makes you walk like a drunk person if you stay up to long after taking it. I dyed my hair, it's dark brown. I also got new glasses. Self-overhaul? Hardly. The Americorps team is leaving monday after 6 weeks of work... or 5, i dont know. I have not yet joined a gym. A friend told me there's free yoga tonight but I'm not going to make it because I can't get a ride home from work yet and i refuse to take the bus today. Work has been a bit crazy lately, in the sense that I seem to be forgetting a lot and then scurrying to get it done before all goes to hell. We were also looking at a closing on some clients really soon, but now that may not be true. I can't get a hold of people I need to speak with... needless to say I am a tad frustrated. We repainted my office. It is now a lime green. I'm a fan., though it doesn't seem all that different to me.

Everything is going swimmingly on the whole though. I have learned how to ride a bike! I have also fallen a number of times, something I was afraid of, yet confident in its occurrence. My legs are bruised and my arms are tired. The last time I rode was Monday night... perhaps this weekend I will take it out for a spin again. I'm pretty shaky on it still, but the only way to get better is to keep working at it.

I've also been trying to play pool more in order to not suck so much at it... that seems to be going slower than the bike riding though haha, even though there's nothing to be afraid of there.

I have also planned a vacation week next month, when I will be going to see my grandparents and parents and sister. I'm very excited about this.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about where I'm at (5 weeks after my last post... shocking haha).I have a great job where I learn a lot and I get a lot of experience. Somehow though, almost 8 months into living here, I am still apprehensive about settling down completely. I miss new york. I am lucky.

I have settled into living alone at Brianna and my place. My kittens are terrorists. They are the loudest fattest little crazies who have ever lived and they will eat everything i've ever bought. They have been fixed but somehow they seem not to know. After flooding my bathroom, which seemed like the ultimate ridiculousness, they still seem to go above and beyond reckless. Delicate little 4 month old babies are ruining my sleep.

Ambien also makes you walk like a drunk person if you stay up to long after taking it. I dyed my hair, it's dark brown. I also got new glasses. Self-overhaul? Hardly. The Americorps team is leaving monday after 6 weeks of work... or 5, i dont know. I have not yet joined a gym. A friend told me there's free yoga tonight but I'm not going to make it because I can't get a ride home from work yet and i refuse to take the bus today. Work has been a bit crazy lately, in the sense that I seem to be forgetting a lot and then scurrying to get it done before all goes to hell. We were also looking at a closing on some clients really soon, but now that may not be true. I can't get a hold of people I need to speak with... needless to say I am a tad frustrated. We repainted my office. It is now a lime green. I'm a fan., though it doesn't seem all that different to me.

Everything is going swimmingly on the whole though. I have learned how to ride a bike! I have also fallen a number of times, something I was afraid of, yet confident in its occurrence. My legs are bruised and my arms are tired. The last time I rode was Monday night... perhaps this weekend I will take it out for a spin again. I'm pretty shaky on it still, but the only way to get better is to keep working at it.

I've also been trying to play pool more in order to not suck so much at it... that seems to be going slower than the bike riding though haha, even though there's nothing to be afraid of there.

I have also planned a vacation week next month, when I will be going to see my grandparents and parents and sister. I'm very excited about this.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about where I'm at (5 weeks after my last post... shocking haha).I have a great job where I learn a lot and I get a lot of experience. Somehow though, almost 8 months into living here, I am still apprehensive about settling down completely. I miss new york. I am lucky.

I also saw a great band last night... they play every other thursday. I'm going to get some info on them and post it for all 2 of you.

45 ( people you've been before that you don't want around anymore that push and shove and won't bend to your will I'll keep them still)

Again and again

I long for the talent and creativity

to write a poem.

What is more beautiful than a poem?

What is more miraculous than when a mere person can find the words

to illustrate a moment- a feeling

to color the world with a memory or fantasy

so real that you can taste it?

The sadness, the pointed resilience

or romance

found in music

is intrinsic to its nature;

to isolate the senses, and solely hear...

we feel the rest: we know the rest

But poetry...

Language is incompetent

the reasons why are unimportant;

but in how many places in life are we lacking words?

From expressing the deepest of sorrows to the most intense love

we cannot form the thought into coherant translations

those fair few

who can manipulate the tongue

to speak to the depths of our minds

those fair few

have tapped into the collective soul

to amaze us all..

I am sitting on a mattress with no sheet on it in a room with no furniture in it. The light in this room is dimmer than most others.

I am a schmo. I work like a maniac and haven't been sleeping well. However I had a meeting today with one of our partner agencies, an administrative one, and they were complimenting me and our organization quite a bit. I must say I felt really validated. By them. Another staff member was there and she said she would tell my boss... That was nice. Then I went to another meeting and then I moved 85% of all my shit back into Brianna's house. I had moved out, if I didn't say that before. I moved out may 1st. before june 1st i began my plans to move back in. finally its happening. i am wearing dirty clothing and haven't yet showered. Brianna is moving back to New York on Friday morning. My kittens have a vet appointment on Thursday morning... they have fleas, and there is a group of 24 youth coming to work with us tomorrow morning and the organization running the program that hired them is the biggest shit show I have ever seen. Those people have had me stressed bad... not to mention I have a serious deadline coming up next thursday and I am nervous.

But at least the world isn't cracking up. Or maybe it is. The air here is suffocating and the heat is oppressive. It storms daily, which is generally the high point of my day when it's coolest and the least humid. For some reason, last summer seems to be much less hot than it was. We also have barely any long termers. We have an americorps team, I like them all, but I can tell there may be some difficulty with agism. I only know 3 of their names. Maybe they aren't to blame. I am achey and I haven't gotten my licsense yet. Maybe I will join a gym, for the millionth time. Moving costs a lot of money. I dream about strange things, and I wake up feeling like I did falling asleep- like I just need rest.

Sometimes I wish that everyone would want to read and follow this blog. And then I think about it and I wish that no one read this blog at all. I don't know what I want or where I'm at, let alone where I'm going. I'll tell you this though, I'm on my way.

hear me,

raging in my crusades

rumbling forht like nightfall

when you wish the day would last

with my cross to bear

i bare all

there are no nails in my palms

only psalms of sadness

feel me

when my skin burns right through yours

and the fever of my need

binds your blood to my veins

this is my cross to bare

44 (You will believe in love...)

I am tired of empty words and continuing a discussion that doesn't go anywhere or mean anything.

I am tired of sleeping restlessly and waking up in a world of dreams, narrow and misguided.

Nest. Nest. Nest. Nest.

I would like to waltz in french and dip you in a lavender dress.

I would like to wake up in a haze of heat and light, with drops of dew as the sole clarity in the world. What earth would be in the summer, if all the moss would overgrow my conscious self.

If all the stringent blood and acerbic words would take a moment to swirl up in a cloud of imagination, if all the awkward scenes would fast forward... so fast that the world would be one of haze and heat.

the sun would ripple the streets

there i would be

peeling at the edges

strip off every layer and find there is a cloud

vapors, water

a mist dissolved

all my thoughts are only a breath

the thick coating of experience

on my tongue

high blades of grass

fingernails with a thin crust of mud

making dimples in the ground

i can hide here, in the meadows un-mowed.

let the body be

enveloped

once the skin and bone have pared

a light will escape

brighter than the sun

the quiet of an eternal moments imagination

stretched with longing

summer lasts forever